ONLINE HUMAN INTERACTION
The actual experiences of web users detailing their tips, thoughts and
dynamics
A GUIDE TO INTERNET SAFETY AND EXPECTATION
Table of Contents
FORWARD 3
The Tips, From Different Daters, Both Male and Female:
4
Safe Sex Dating Safety And Crucial Medical Info For All
Singles 51
In Contempt of Courtship 54
Bizarre, Funny And Unique Profiles: 61
Internet Safety and Security When Dating On The Web 62
Who’s Watching Your WebEx? Webex has many back-door spy paths built
in 80
Google still keeps a list of everything you ever bought using Gmail,
even if you delete all your emails, and provides that data to political
parties, the NSA and marketing companies so they can manipulate
you 82
MOST OF THE OWNERS OF BIG DATING SITES TURN OUT TO BE CROOKS AND
POLITICAL MANIPULATORS 85
Companies gather massive databases of people’s images, for facial
recognition spy tools, from OKCUPID 88
SAFER SAFE SEX WITH NEW TECHNOLOGIES 99
HOW TO NEVER HAVE A BORING DATE 101
THE BIG M: TYING THE KNOT 106
Personal Awareness Questions: 125
FACIAL SYMMETRY AND ONLINE DATING HATE EACH OTHER 133
Why Are Symmetrical Faces So Attractive? 133
There is a surprising reason we are drawn toward symmetry, especially in
faces. You are addicted to staring at certain movie star’s faces because
of their “addictive facial symmetry”. 133
THE GOLD-DIGGER OR ‘FOODIE CALL’ VAMPIRE DATES 140
DATING LATER IN LIFE 143
Try before you buy 143
‘Treat this like a business’ 144
Done being single 144
A meeting, a marriage 145
Five things to know about online dating 145
HONEY TRAPS WILL BE SENT BY YOUR COMPETITORS, ENEMIES AND POLITICAL
ADVERSARIES 147
We now date six people at once and then we just ghost them when
we've lost interest 149
Daddies, “Dates,” and the Girlfriend Experience: Welcome to the New
Prostitution Economy. How Silicon Valley Guys Actually Get The Women
They Are With 151
“Just Another Job” 152
Landing a Whale 156
“It’s Transactional” 157
$50 for the Powder Room 158
Wish Lists 161
Benefactors 162
FORWARD
This is the information they never taught you in school.
Many of these points of advice conflict with other points of advice.
This proves how different people can be between each other. This also
proves that men and women can have two totally different perceptions
about the same incident or concept.
This book was created to educate. It will horrify you, shock you, amaze
you, enlighten you and clearly illuminate the fact that everybody has
different assumptions about how-things-should-work in social
interaction. You will be moved by how different each gender thinks about
different things but it is better to know what you are heading into than
not.
Depending on the social programming by your parents, your college
clique, your work mates, your sports buddies and your religion, you may
agree or disagree with each person’s suggested tip. Keep an open mind
and consider that past experiences may have created different causes for
each person’s ‘tip’.
The quotes alternate between bold and non-bolded text as each author
changes.
The Tips, From Different Daters, Both Male and Female:
“Be very careful on dating sites. I have read the newspaper articles and
am being cautious. I have encountered a veritable army of Nigerian
scammers, privacy data thieves, Russian spammers and spies on the dating
site. On top of that there are tens of thousands of newspaper articles
warning about this. Additionally, nothing that you engage in with a
stranger you are considering for possible intimacy will be valid over a
computer, phone or text device. It isn't being paranoid if it is based
on actual experience and vast documentation by the rest of America. 60
MINUTES just did a feature segment on how data thieves can get all your
stuff with just your full name and a picture they can run through
image-comparison software. They do it all day long.”
“ You just joined one of the top 5 dating sites. You message some
attractive ladies right near you. You get some responses. Alas, you
don't realize that those "hot ladies", now messaging with you, are
actually all a guy with a goatee, named Wu Lee, in the Philippines.
While you see lots of talk about these dating services, "not allowing
fake profiles", they are, in fact, the ones who hire the "shill Farms"
to supply them with the fake date experiences. They only use them for
guys because women always get flooded with actual guys contacting them.
Many of the pictures are from the ex-websites of dead Russian hookers.
The first red flags:
- Your date is out "of the area for a few weeks", or longer, on a trip
or some big project so that a real person doesn't actually have to show
up.
- They have some other excuse to not meet you for a few weeks. The
psychology is that no guy will wait that long and move on to the next
candidate. Alas, the next candidate , and the next, and the next, is,
more often than not, that same guy Wu Lee. If you are savvy enough to
track them in your calender and follow-up a few days after they are
supposed to "return to town", they will tell you that they just happened
to have met someone on their trip.
- They won't talk on the phone. While talking to a person on a dating
site is very comforting, the Shill Farms have escalation Teams that
route phone call requests to sex phone operators, with your local
accent, who do double duty as fake phone dates and fake sex call takers.
Even if you talk on the phone, it still is not guaranteed that you don't
have a shill.
- The shill starts asking you very specific detailed personal data about
yourself. In real world dating, nobody asks that kind of stuff before
their first date. You look at each other, decide if you both look OK and
off you go to the movies or dinner that Saturday. The reason the shills
want detailed data on you is that the Shill Farm bosses make money from
both providing fake profiles AND harvesting your private data for data
harvesting banks.
- They try to keep you on the site for as long as possible. The Shill
Farmer has a third way of making money off of you. It is called
"Spoofing". The more volumes of people the dating site can show for
their subscriptions and advertisers, the more money they can make.
- They won't meet. For most people, the purpose of a dating site is to
meet someone you can hug, squeeze, kiss and go do things with. It should
seem odd to you, if your potential date won't meet in person ASAP. If
they were real, you would think they would want to see how both of you
are, in-person, before wasting time. Here are some key terms and types
to watch out for: “Shill”- A person pretending to be someone else, or
another gender, in order to suck you in to some scheme to get your money
or your data; Shill Farm - A large building, apartment complex,
warehouse or other building where large numbers of shills are base;
“Shill Farmer” - The owner of the Shill Farm. Often Russian mobsters,
Asian gangs or Nigerian cartels; “Dating Harvester” - Match.com, Plenty
of Fish, OK Cupid and similar automated conglomerate-owned dating
services that are in the business for far different reasons than you
might think; “Trolling” - Working the pretext to try to get the
victim/target guy sucked into the scheme. Using different scenarios and
talking scripts to get the target to loosen their guard; “Cat Fishing” -
Men pretending to be women; “Spoofing” - creating fake user volume
numbers in order to help dating sites trick advertisers into paying
more...”
“Every date potential I have ever talked to on the phone wants to meet
me. I "give good phone", but that has nothing to do with the "chemistry"
reaction the other person will have in person. In online meetups, it is
entirely about the in-person reaction that others have. Nothing you do
in email, text or phone will count, once you meet in-person. It will all
go out the window (ie: as sad as it sounds, pre-communication is a
waste-of-time in online dating, because people decide on attraction in
the first few minutes of the live meeting). “
“there are no rules in dating, just do what feels good...”
"All of the men are looking for sex and all of the women are looking for
free dinners"
"Do not send more than a few emails or talk on the phone more than 45
minutes without meeting in person. The human mind will always create a
bigger-than-life image of who you think you are talking to and it will
be impossible for the other person to live up to that. You will set
yourself up for disappointment and your experience here will always be
unproductive. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to be
disappointed because the vision and the real-world don't match."
"The Internet dating process can be both exciting and heartbreaking..
You will meet tons of beautiful, sexy, sharp people that you would, at
first blush, be able to visualize yourself being boy/girl-friended with,
or married to. This can be very painful, though, if you have had great
email and phone calls and both decided you really like each other. But
the ones you like may tell you, right on the spot, that they are not
attracted to you and the ones that want you strongly, you may not be
attracted to. Prepare yourself and try to have no expectations, but
don't deny that "chemistry" makes up to 25% of the first encounter and
if there is no chemistry, it usually seems to fritter away rapidly"
"Most of the internet people will select one of the first few people
they meet because they get overloaded after more people contact them.
Most people, women more than men, get 30 to 200 responses and just get
burned out after the first dozen meetings. The first people one meets
tend to stick out in that persons mind more because the others start
blending together in the density of increasing contacts, emails, phones
calls and meetings. If you don't meet soon you will often be buried in
the confusion that follows as the increasing volume of email contacts
builds up. Most of relationships on match turn out to be with one of the
first few people one meets according to the survey. If people are trying
to meet quickly, they are probably trying to get in to your "emotional
window" before it closes."
" Many of the people on there are just dabblers, or looky-loo's who
never intend to meet anybody in person, some of them are even marketing
people for the dating service acting as "shills". Ask them to meet soon
to see if they are sincere."
"People who object to long initial letters or emails are really not
interested in knowing anything about the people they are contacting.
They are often just looking for flings and distractions. If the people
can't deal with alot of information about you then they may not be
interested in a long term relationship(LTR) and could just be using the
dating system for personal validation and not for creating a
relationship"
"Women tend to get 10 responses for every one response men get online."
"Most people go in with the best of intentions...thinking that a great
mind/intellect connection will make-up for any lacks in "chemistry"..but
it has never turned out to be like that...everybody seems to,
ultimately, let chemistry rule. Looks are not the whole driver but they
are always a non-insignificant criteria."
"Bad breath can totally kill a date. How many losers have I been out
with that would have been OK except their breath made me ill. Take 4-5
"Breath Assure" tablets at least 30 minutes before the date and eat an
Altoid or some mint a few minutes before the date. Eat a little
something before the date because an empty stomach can cause bad breath.
Brush your teeth. See your dentist and have your teeth professionally
cleaned."
"IF you are cute and you try to get off of the internet service they may
not take you off very quickly because you are attracting eyeballs or
customers for them, you can get many free months from the service if you
work it right."
"Don't do internet dating unless you are prepared to meet people and you
have from 6-10PM Free every night, 30-90 minutes a day to read and
respond to emails and at least half your weekend free to meet a few
people. I will not work for most people unless they make a commitment to
the process, feel that getting a special person is the most important
priority in their lives (Over work, money, material things, etc.)and
really treat the effort like a job. Most people are completely surprised
by how much work is involved in this kind of dating. Many people select
one of the first few people they meet just to avoid the time-drain. But,
when you meet the person that you want to be with, it makes it all worth
it ten times over."
"When you first notice something you don't like about the person, don't
run away or write them off, you must remember that you are operating in
a hyper-accelerated dating environment (Where else would you meet 20
guys in 60 days?), in the "normal world" you would be looking for all
these checklist items or first a validating red-flag to write them off
as a stalker/creep like you do here. The density of people can be
daunting but don't let it make you too clinical in your approach."
"Most dating systems forward from an anonymous email to your personal
email. Be sure and set your email system up so your emails pop up on
your work desktop or on your home system to avoid coming home at night
and finding a plethora of responses and replies that you don't have time
to give proper attention to. That is unfair to you and to the people
that are interested."
"I now want to meet as soon as possible because the "rejection
intensity" seems to be less painful for both people if you have not
gotten emotionally involved with lots of phone calls and emails
beforehand. So it is important to meet as soon as possible to reduce the
pain factor of the potential turndown. Of course, if both of you happen
to be attracted, then you are done and you get a boyfriend or
girlfriend."
"Don't ask a person if they like you on the date. It puts them on the
spot and is too harsh to hear live and in person if they do not."
"The marketing people at each of the bigger dating services will tell
you that the demographics for the service are high-income, well
educated, aggressive, driven business people. This can be both good and
bad. The women tend to be more sexually aggressive and the guys tend to
be busier".
"Men lie more than women but they both lie. Men lie because they had bad
upbringings, or they are insecure or they are afraid. Men only lie about
one thing so it is actually a misnomer to say men lie. It is better to
say "Men are Polyamory addicted". Men don't think they are doing
anything wrong unless there has been a very loud and official wedding or
girlfriend/boyfriend-stage in the relationship announcement. Men never
think they are lying..they really don't, they just think that the
relationship isn't happening. Men think that women are too slow and
careful and always shopping for the right man so they always think women
are not going to stick around and they always keep their options open
until a women clearly commits. Women think that men move too fast so
they wait for a slow one, but they rarely come. Both genders are wired
different so it never really works out until one or the other lets their
defenses down."
"Don't attack people who ask you for a picture and do have a picture
ready to go. Having a digital picture ready to go is considered to be
the number one "rule" of the web. Don't go online to date unless you
already have one on your hard drive or you will just be creating a
terribly frustrating experience for people you contact and most of them
will be upset that you don't have a picture. The only difference in
meeting people on the web or in person is that you have no visual
context. Most people make their primary assessment based on appearance,
even if they deny that they do, it is a natural human process to seek
visual confirmation. On the same note, don't judge a book by its cover.
Many "pretty" people who seek only "pretty" people often find
shallowness and vanity and no substance for that very relationship they
seek...try a normal looking person, you will usually be surprised."
"There are no weirdos and no normal people on the internet. There aren't
people at all, Just words and text. You have to realize it is a digital
environment and employ it as an initiation place and then follow-up in
the real-world. The unique thing about open network communication is
that it has no established social order or boundaries so people are
naturally supported in their theatrical creation. The difficult aspect
of this is that there is nobody to reference you as you microscopically
grow bigger or into other tangents of a character without even noticing
it. So; people tend to be more flexible with the facts or narrative
because they feel like they are co-writing a novel with some
one in real time."
"Can girls and guys be "just Friends. (Harry met Sally) Yes, if neither
is physically attracted to the other. If one is and the other isn't it
will almost never work. In the case of one person being attracted but
wanted to be friends, many of those people will either be in denial or
embarrassed to acknowledge their attraction."
"Realize that time doesn't exist on the internet. What is a timely
response or an appropriate development of social expectations will be
too slow or too fast to the other person. Most internet socializing
tends to move at "warp speed"...because it can."
"Whether you're searching for romance in cyberspace or at a SpeedDating
event, the rules can be complicated and downright frustrating. Following
are a few that real singles have used to navigate this brave new world
of dating:
- Rule No. 1: Asking a woman out for a Saturday night date is a big
deal.
If you ask some women out for a Monday or even a Thursday evening,
beware. You could have the phone receiver slammed in your ear. "A woman
takes it very seriously when she is not asked out on a Saturday night,"
said Dawn Sidney, who met her husband at a Chicago Jewish federation
event. "She has a different attitude. She thinks the guy doesn't think
she's special."
- Rule No. 2: Fools shouldn't rush in.
To Shawna Gooze, a human resources assistant, it doesn't matter what day
of the week a guy wants to see her. What happens after the date is more
important. "I went out with a very good-looking, nice guy I met at a
bar, but he started e-mailing me so much after the first date, it was a
turn-off," she said. "In the beginning, it's better not to rush a
relationship or come on too strong."
- Rule No. 3: When you move an online romance offline, go public.
When trying to find a date in cyberspace, a set of unwritten rules
applies, and some online daters simply make the rules up as they go
along, according to Leslie Zimmer, who works for a Chicago-area
synagogue and has tried several Jewish online dating services.
Zimmer, whose online dating odyssey has most been both frustrating and
humorous, followed two main rules. First, she didn't disclose personal
information such as home address, telephone number or work location.
Second, she met an online date at a public place such as a coffee shop
or restaurant. She also chose to have a few "phone dates" with an online
dater before meeting him in person.
Hoping to attract a Jewish John Travolta, she began her personal ad
with, "Shall we dance?" One guy responded with a cute, clever message
that discussed their common interest in dancing. For their first date,
they agreed to meet at local nightclub to show off some fancy footwork.
"There was definitely a chemistry," she said. "We spent three hours
dancing, talking and laughing. "After we danced, he just said, 'Good
night.' I was dumbfounded. I happen to have a lot of moxie, so I
e-mailed him. He e-mailed back that he just didn't feel any chemistry. I
thought, when he finds someone with chemistry, it must be like an
explosion!"
- Rule No. 4: If you're a woman seeking cyber-romance, don't be afraid
to initiate the first cyber-contact.
The anonymity of online dating makes it easier to sever a bad
connection, said Michael Slater, 25, a regional sales manager for a
Chicago-based corporate relocation company. In other ways, it's leveled
the playing field by making it acceptable for a woman to initiate
cyber-contact. "I know from several friends using Jdate.com that women
are e-mailing guys and asking them out," he said.
- Rule No. 5: Seek advice from a trusted friend if you're stuck in the
dating doldrums.
While it's clear the Internet has changed the rules of dating, some
things never change. Singles still seek advice and support from friends
and family, said Slater, who is currently attached.
"Sometimes a friend will ask me what I think of a woman's profile, and
I'll say, 'You're not going to know unless you try.' They just need an
extra boost to click that 'send' button," he said.
"I don't want to be known as a yenta [matchmaker], but I just give my
friends a push in the right direction. They've done the same for me."
- Rule No. 6: Unfortunately, there are no hard-and-fast formulas that
guarantee romantic success, except maybe: Love like you've never been
hurt before, and be yourself"
"1.) Never give out more than your first name over the Internet. Never
tell anyone your address.
2.) It is fairly safe to exchange phone numbers although you should
remember that your phone number can be used to find you. You can tell a
lot about a person from their voice. If a person gives you their work
telephone number instead of their home telephone number, they are
probably already involved.
3.) If you have found someone you would like to meet, always arrange to
meet in a public place such as a bookstore or coffee shop.
4.) Unless, someone looks frightening, always acknowledge the person you
came to meet and have coffee or whatever. Never leave just because you
don't like a person's appearance. It just isn't nice to leave someone
waiting and wondering!
5.) Be honest. If you are not interested thank the person for meeting
you and tell them in a nice way that you don't feel you have as much in
common as you had hoped. A kind up front rejection is easier on you
both.
6.) Always ask to see the persons drivers license. If they hesitate or
don't give you their identification, they have their reason's. Get rid
of them FAST! And, don't let them follow you home!
7.) Call home or a friend and tell them the person's name, address and
license number which is on their license.
8.) A man has every right to request to see a woman's drivers license as
well. There are a few dingy women in this world.
9.) If a woman fails to ask for your ID don't date her. Find another one
because the one who didn't ask will show bad judgement in other aspects
of life as well!
10.) In sexual matters follow the dictates of the religion of your
preference. You will always be glad you did.
11.) Should you decide to become physically involved, never do so until
you know the person well.
12.) You do not know a person well until you have seen them in their
normal environment and have met their friends. Practice safe sex!
13.) If a person seems to have no friends or associations be very
suspicious. A person will rarely abuse someone known to their friends.
There is a social price to pay.
14.) Always trust your instincts. If you are uneasy about someone there
is probably a good reason.
15.) Remember, that all you owe anyone on the first meeting, is courtesy
for a very short period of time. You have a lot to gain and very little
to lose by meeting new people as long as you use common sense!"
"1. "Never love a man or woman more than you love yourself.
2. You must have attitude. Attitude is everything. Think of yourself as
compelling, irresistible, and captivating because that's what you are!
3. Your attitude about yourself and how you expect others to treat you
comes through in everything you do.
4. Know and play to your assets, know and downplay your deficits.
5. Women are the Queen Bees. It's a woman's job to attract men. Men are
the wannabes. They wannabe with women. So ladies, let them. Men find
women, women don't find men. Women let themselves be found.
6. Men troll and hunt for women. Women attract and magnetize men.
7. For women: You only love the men who love you. It is your job to
attract lots of men and then choose from the ones you have attracted.
8. For women: Want a relationship? Stop acting like an alpha female and
start behaving like Annie Get Your Guy. Alpha females are smart, sexy,
successful and usually alone, because tough, fierce, competitive, and
masculine energy only works in business. Annie Get Your Guy is soft,
foxy not fierce, receptive, always feminine, and is the chasee never the
chaser.
9. In relationships, men want women to act like women, so they can act
like men.
10. For men: You are a hero. Accept nothing less from a woman than being
"her hero."
11. In dating, know what you want and what the other person wants. Make
sure you are both going in the same direction.
12. The secret to a relationship is: know what each player wants and
then give it to them. Men want to be admired and respected. Women want
to be cherished and adored, because that makes them feel safe. Good
relationships are the result of giving all the players what they want.
13. Feelings are important. Men want to feel they are winning in a
relationship. Women want to feel safe.
14. Don't rely on a make-over to find happiness. Give up the thought "I
love you, you're perfect, now change." Accept "as is" the person you're
in the relationship with.
15. Keep your heart open. For those who think war is hell, they should
try dating. In dating, your heart may get hurt, but as long as it's
open, there is room to let someone in. Love has no place to go when a
heart is closed down.
16. Go on every new date and into every new relationship with the
attitude that this could be "the one." As long as you think about past
relationships, that's how all your relationships will be. "
"It is the 2000's and it is a whole different ball game than the 1970-s
to 1999. You must ask your date to get an HIV/AIDS/STD test and show you
the test results. It takes 4 days for a really expensive test to come
back and 30 days for a full test result. They need to show you tests
taken 30 days since the last person they slept with. It is not only
appropriate it is REQUIRED, ESSENTIAL and Expected that you ask somebody
on the first to third dates, if there is any sexual interest. It is each
persons responsibility to discuss this stuff immediately. If you don't
do it YOU CAN DIE FROM SEX. Look at the statistics. AIDS is killing more
and more mainstream "average" Americans monthly."
"Don't discuss emotional issues in email. They will almost always be
misinterpreted. Hence the smiley faces:
;-) :-) etc. Never have a fight or
misunderstanding via email or you are done for. Context is not apparent
in email."
"Many people confuse "Cute" for "Love". We are all conditioned by the
media to find people with perfect features to be desirable. The pressure
of being Cute all the time makes men and women who are "cute" go a
little nuts, so it is hard to find cute AND sane at the same time. Try
to see the attraction in normal people and realize that the attraction
to "cute" can sometimes last only as long as the newness of the new cute
person."
"Guys talk about sex 70% more than most women. It is genetic
memory-burned into their brains. Many guys, though, use sex as emotional
validation but they are incapable of admitting it, the rest are just
horny. Society has programmed men to feel afraid to show sensitivity
because it might make them look weak or gay. If you talk about sex in
email or on the phone, before you meet, and you both seem to be equally
interested in it, it will probably, then, never happen because you did
that. By building it up in advance you create a psychological fantasy
which your mind will always make bigger than reality can possibly live
up to. When you meet and find out that neither of you are the "Fabio" or
"Miss America" (..fill in name of whoever floats your boat) of your
assumptive projections then your boat is sunk."
"Most people find the picture issue necessary but disconcerting. Many
people's friends tell them they are not photogenic and never look the
same from shot to shot. Most people look better in person than in a
picture unless a modeling studio shot them. You can't really tell what a
person looks like unless you have seen 5-6 different pictures in
different settings."
"Many "socially-beautiful" men & women are conditioned to only go
out with GQ/FratHouse looking people. These people have been taught that
it is all about facial balance, symmetry and small featured proportion;
the majority of the real world does not have that symmetry. Frat
House/Sorority people are singled out by a culture and guided to ...Frat
Houses and Sororities for reinforcement from common-culture types.! If
only we could stop and look deeper than the shell..but those social
imprints and media conditionings represent strong mnemonic triggers."
"Avoid the "Sherlock Holmes" technique. Many people feel that they have
to squeeze as much information out and draw conclusions about that
information in the first date. Don't make assumptions or second-guess
others. If somebody responds to one question you ask with a lengthy
answer about food, work, cars, etc; don't assume that they are obsessed
with one or the other. They may just be a long-winded or detailed
communicator or they may just feel obligated to try to give you as much
info as possible about something you showed interest in. Try to adopt a
flexible attitude in assessing a persons process based on one initial
meeting."
"Cosmo advises that previous marriage should be an issue but the US
census shows us that the Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce
is 50%. If your potential date has not been married, facts now show that
they may have been smarter and more dedicated to a permanent
relationship potential by waiting until after their 30's. Others have
just not met the right person and hold the ideal partner dream
firm. Some have asked people to marry them but the other person
said no. So, not being married after 30 does not mean, today, what it
might have meant in your parents times."
This might be funny for you, or it might not. I found this card at
a Hallmark display:
Bad Date #132: He likes you. You don't like him.
He says he'll call and does.
Bad Date #133: You like him. He doesn't like
you. He says he'll call and doesn't.
Bad Date #134: You like him. He likes Jim. He
dresses better than you.
Bad Date #135: He wears too much aftershave. He flirts
more with the waitress than with you. But that's a good thing.
Bad Date #136: He talks all night about his ex. Then
he cries.
Bad Date #137: You like him a lot. He likes you a lot.
Then he changes his mind.
I've been on all of those, and then some. My friend pointed out
that the existence of that card means that it happens to loads of
us. Somehow that thought should make us feel better, right?"
"Rule One: Sexual intercourse changes every rule. Nudity of one party or
both parties can in some cases modify the rules.
Rule Two: Every rule has an exception or two or three.
Rule Three: The ambulance-chaser rule. There is an appropriate waiting
period after someone breaks up before you can ask them out. I am unsure
as to exactly what this waiting period is, but I know it is longer than
five minutes and shorter than a month.
Rule Quatro: The rebound rule. Never, ever date people who are not over
their last significant other. This is bad. You will be forced to listen
to stories of love lost and told you can't go to Applebee's because he
used to take her there.
Signs she is still holding a flame: She refers to his current girlfriend
as the whore from KU, and she is mysteriously busy on weekends he is in
town.
Rule Five: As Olympia Dukakis said in "Moonstruck," "Don't shit where
you eat." Try your hardest not to date anyone you work with.
Teachers should not date students. Bartenders should not date servers.
Checkers should not date baggers.
The only possible exception to this rule is if the individual you wish
to date works in a different department or section of the organization
than you. Even then, use extreme caution.
Rule Six: The I'll-call-you rule. Men seem to have a particularly hard
time with this one.
Let's say after a night of conversation, a woman gives you her number
and tells you to give her a call. It is appropriate to call the next
day; you will not seem too anxious.
This first call should be a casual call, and you should include your
name and the location of your first encounter so she can definitely
identify you.
You may at the time of this first call express your intent to call again
later in the week with plans for a date.
Rule Seven: The sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers of women you have
dated are off-limits unless you live in Arkansas or certain counties in
Mississippi.
Her best friend is a no-no, as well as the sisters, aunts, cousins and
mothers of any of your friends.
The rule that is eight: The rule of who pays. The man.
To hell with women's liberation. If you are the man, and I am sure you
know how to tell, you will be footing the bill unless otherwise arranged
before the date. In same-sex relationships the person who asks for the
date pays.
Ninth in the list of rules: Follow your heart. Rules are meant to be
broken. We can't all be as lucky as ferrets, but if you bite someone in
just the right place you might get lucky. "
"Guys and gals of all ages... I want to say that whomever you fall for,
regardless if their dorky, popular, weird, smart, crazy, etc.. don't be
pressured by the stereotypes of high school! Open your heart and be
honest about your feelings. When one person breaks those "Rules of
dating in high school", it can give everyone else the courage to break
those silly dumb pathetic rules as well. I know it's even harder when
you're getting pressure from your friends. Especially if you're honest
and, for instance our one of the "popular guys" and then you say to your
buddies that you like that little chubby girl in your Math class, and
everyone is like,"Dude... you like HER?!" Then of course you turn bright
red and deny it. But if they're true friends, then they'll back you on
what you believe. Stereotypes are nasty evil things... and deep down...
most of us don't believe them... and most of us wish we could go against
them... but we're afraid. Therefore, I suggest we all work on it
together.”
Next time the dorky girl or guy, popular girl or guy, crazy girl or guy,
etc... comes up to you, instead of jumping to conclusions about who they
are based on what they've been "labeled" by the school, reach out your
hand to them.... who knows, you might meet that Mr. or Mrs. Right of
your dreams. And my last point.... don't try so hard to go searching for
love when you're young. While their are the percentage of people that do
meet in high school and get married, chances are, it doesn't work. You
have your life ahead of you to meet that special person for you. Enjoy
high school and meet friends of all social cliques, and don't
concentrate so much on whether or not someone is going to accept you or
not accept you. Just be yourself."
"Cowboys. Though I have nothing against cowboys per se; I just don't
want to date one. I'd even venture to bet that line dancing is a joyful
activity, good exercise even, but again, not for me.
Seatbelts. I admire a man who uses a seatbelt. It says a lot about him.
Like the fact that he enjoys his life and wants it to continue.
Transportation. I admire a man who actually has a car. Having to pick a
guy up is a little fishy. Due to the complete dearth of mass
transportation in Brainerd, it can often mean there's been some trouble
with the law.
Glasses. I'm quite particular about the issue of glasses. Small and the
right shape work well for me, but if they go anywhere near a square and
over three to four inches tall, my enthusiasm dwindles. (I'm quite aware
of how shallow I'm sounding. Really, I'm a decent sort. Large, square
glasses are fine for my uncle or my grandpa or the grocer, but in terms
of a potential mate, they're not my ideal.)
Smells matter. As it turns out, metallic licorice types of smells do not
appeal to me. Neither do excessively manly colognes. Clean, soapy scents
or woodsy, incensy campfire types of smells do appeal to me.
Shoes. Again, I realize I'm showing the shallow side of myself here, but
cowboy boots that make a man appear to be teetering on high heels don't
do it for me. Solid loafers that don't make clicking noises on the floor
work nicely. I'm OK with certain types of sandals. And outdoorsy
boot-shoes work for me big time. Call me crazy.
Hair. This is a very precise category. Feel free to take notes if you
must. A man who spends a lot of time on his hair does not appeal to me.
My motto is hair can be gorgeous without lots of work. (Motto may be a
bit strong, but the thought has crossed my mind.) While I'm not sure
gorgeous is an adjective that can be used to describe my hair; at least
I don't end up spending inordinate amounts of time in front of the
mirror, cursing and wracked with self-doubt. I can get my cursing and
self-beratement done in about five minutes. Any man who spends more time
than it takes to watch an episode of Boy Meets World, back combing,
teasing or adding products of a fruity nature to his hair turns me off.
Not unlike the issue of glasses, the hair should not be more than three
or four inches in height.
Lack of hair. This works. Only if the hair that does exist is not used
to overcompensate for the lack of. This shows a certain self-confidence.
I also have found that long hair is not my favorite. It should, however,
be all one length. Layers or bilateral "hockey" cuts -- short on the top
and sides but long in the back -- do nothing for me. Actually, they make
me want to run to the nearest restroom labeled "does" or "bucks."
Height. This category is a freebie. I'm only 5 feet 1, so while I might
be uncomfortable with a man less than my height; statistically that does
not occur very often. Other than that, I'm pretty open.
Weight. Actually, I'm pretty flexible on this too. Mostly because I'm no
Ally McBeal. Not only am I not Ally McBeal, but sometimes I have
seething anger about how Ally McBeal (i.e. the media's representation of
the ideal bulimic woman) can make me feel like the body I live in is
wrong.
OK, so I guess Ally McBeal can't actually make me feel that way, but
there's definitely a link of some sort. So, in hopes that I will not be
judged as harshly as I sometimes feel, I am pretty open about size. I
like men who are active yet are not obsessed with fitness or the size of
their "pythons." It is for this convoluted, irrational rationalization
that weight is not an issue with me.
Questions. I need someone who asks them and then listens to the answers.
Go figure. This in turn makes me want to ask questions and have real
conversations. A definite necessity.
Touching. Too much touching right away is confusing and not so good. No
touching whatsoever is also confusing. No real verdict on this one.
Reading. Let's just say this is a good thing. And no, I do not consider
porn actual reading.
Age. So far, I've been dating men older than me. Some much older.
Telling someone your real age is good. Hedging and answers like "I
believe you're as young as you feel" are not good signs.
Humor. As it turns out, this one of the biggest pluses by far. By humor,
I don't really mean jokes. Stand-up comedian wannabes who consider one
person a way to try out new material do not appeal to me. But a wry
skepticism of the world at large is rather quite nice"
"1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension
and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's
horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
"you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love,
in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you
goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a
dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of
lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In
college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they
respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute
guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish
last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college,
it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
others names.
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman.
In college, you are the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara,
Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi…
“Why are these important if you aren't in college? Because college
behavior almost never ends after college!!!"
"From the infamous "THE RULES":
1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
* Be confident.
* Act "as if..."
* Carry yourself with dignity
* Do your best to correct appearance flaws, but don't dwell on them.
* Be sweet and light
* Be restrained and courteous
2. Don't talk to a man first, and don't ask him to dance first.
* Don't hang around him, hoping he'll ask you to dance
3. Don't stare at men or talk too much
* Smile at the room in general
4. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch
5. Don't call him and rarely return his calls
* If he leaves a message on your answering machine to call him - don't
* If he only calls on your answering machine, turn it off
* If a man calls you on Friday night, don't answer - use your answering
machine or caller ID
6. Always end calls first.
* Limit phone calls to about ten minutes
* Don't let him put you on hold. If he does, hang up
7. Don't accept a date for Saturday night after Wednesday
8. Fill up your time before a date
9. On dates 1, 2, and 3, dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home.
* Don't fantasize before the date
* Treat it like a business appointment
* Be nonchalant/non-committal
* Play it safe. This man is still a stranger
* Time Limits:
o Meet for a drink: 2 hrs
o Dinner or movie: 4 hrs
10. Behave from date 4 to commitment
* Don't get too heavy about your feelings
* Keep unpleasant life issues to yourself
* Don't go into details about very personal subjects
* Act independent
11. Always end the date first
* If he gets rude or hurtful on a date, don't try to work it out. Leave
immediately
12. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift on your
birthday or valentine's day.
13. Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
* If you're engaged, you may date up to 3-4 times a week
14. No casual kissing on the first date
15. No sex before marriage
* Don't rush into intimate contact while dating
16. Don't tell him what to do
17. Let him take the lead in the relationship
* Don't say, "I love you," until he says, "I love you," first
18. Don't expect a man to change, or try to change him
* You can't treat a man like you treat your girlfriends
* Don't try to get them to talk about their feelings
* Immediately dump any guy who doesn't treat you well
19. Don't open up too fast
20. Be honest, but mysterious
* Don't let a man know about the Rules
21. Accentuate the positive in you
* Wear clothes that accentuate your best features.
* Be cheerful and optimistic
* Get a life
* Try to find fun alternatives to the "bar scene"
* Take advantage of personal ads, dating pages, and internet services,
but always be positive in posted ads.
22. Don't live with a man (or leave things in his apartment)
23. Don't even think about dating a married man.
24. Slowly involve him in your family
* Don't introduce him to your family until he introduces you to his
25. Practice, practice, practice! Get good at the Rules
* Go to as many social events and interesting public activities as
possible.
* If you don't have a date on Friday night, go to some public place or
event.
* Don't be afraid to go solo
* When you meet a really attractive man, stay focused on the Rules
26. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the Rules
* Engagement is not equivalent to commitment
* For a man, putting the ring on the finger and saying "I do" is
commitment
27. Do the Rules, even when you're friends and family think it's nuts
28. Be Smart, and use the Rules while dating in High School
* If you have acne, do whatever it takes to get rid of it.
* If you have extra money, spend it on quality makeup and nice clothes.
* If you have a crush on a boy, dress feminine and let him make the
first move. Don't be loud or try to get his attention.
* Get in the habit of attending social events, but don't act bored or
nervous.
* Don't have sex with boys.
* Don't smoke, drink alcohol, or take drugs.
* Stay active in sports.
* If a boy doesn't ask you to the Prom, don't ask him. Go with someone
who asks you or go with a group.
29. Take care of yourself, and use the Rules for dating in College
* Don't hang around, fruitlessly hoping some guy will notice you.
* Play it safe. Just because they're college guys doesn't mean they'll
behave
* Concentrate on your studies
* Eat healthy
* Wear makeup and be fashionable and feminine
* Be involved in interesting extracurricular activities
* If you don't have a date on Friday and Saturday night, get out and
socialize
* Get serious about your career goals. Nobody wants a loser
30. Next! and other Rules for dealing with rejection
* Don't personalize or blow a breakup out of proportion.
* Don't console yourself by eating.
* Get dressed up, put on your makeup, and go to the very next social
event in town
* Don't lose your cool about him. Get over it
* Say "His loss" and "Next!"
31. Don't ever discuss the Rules with your therapist
* They don't live in the real world, so they just wouldn't understand
32. Don't ever break the Rules
* If you do break the Rules with a man, be prepared to write him off as
a lost cause
* Don't dwell on the ones you may have lost by following the Rules, they
aren't worth it.
33. Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after
* Even if you don't get married right away, you'll be happier and more
relaxed in your single life.
34. Love only those who love you.
* You can afford to be picky
* You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity
* Immediately dump any guy who doesn't treat you well.
35. Be easy to live with
* Don't whine.
* See a professional to help you with your neuroses "
The Alternative Rules -
"RULE #1: HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Have you ever noticed that 95% of us seem to be chasing after the same
5%. I call them the "lucky 5%". They have no trouble meeting someone for
a romantic relationship. They are blessed with physical beauty or money
or status or all three. Relationships come to them rather than the other
way around. Looking at things logically, if 95% of us are chasing after
the same 5%, each of them has to date 19 of us simultaneously in order
to keep all of us happy. And that's not going to happen.
How realistic are your expectations? Take a good, long, honest look at
yourself.
"I've got a great personality and a heart of gold", you say. That's
great, except that you live in a world in which people judge you
initially by superficial things like the beauty of your face, the
slimness of your body, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, and the
job you hold.
So if people find your exterior to be unattractive, you've got a tough
road ahead of you. For example, if you're a 3 on a scale of 10 in terms
of initial attractiveness to the opposite sex, don't expect to attract a
9 or 10. If you're a woman, forget about Tom Selleck or a millionaire.
If you're a man, forget about meeting a Playboy bunny. Settle for
someone nice who finds you attractive.
"Does that mean I have to lower my standards?"
Sadly the answer is yes. I know it's hard to give up fantasies of Prince
Charming or the beauty queen. Just remember that it's even harder to go
through life without romantic love.
Newsweek Magazine's cover story for June 2, 1986 demoralized single
women throughout the nation. The article claimed that if you are 30
years old, college-educated, and never been married, that you only have
a 20% chance of ever finding a husband. If you reach age 35 without a
spouse, your chances drop to 5%. And if you have the misfortune of being
single at 40, according to Newsweek you have a greater chance of "being
killed by terrorists" than finding a husband.
The Newsweek article was based on a study by two professors at Harvard
and Yale Universities. Fortunately the figures have been discredited by
the U.S. Census Bureau. For one thing, the Harvard-Yale Study was based
on a relatively small sample. More importantly, it was based on a
critical assumption: that single women in the United States would
continue to follow three patterns in selecting a mate as they have in
the past:
1. Marrying a man who is older than she. The average woman in America
chooses a man two to four years older than she. Since men live seven
years less than the average woman, this means that the older a woman
becomes the fewer men are still left that are older than she. At birth
there are more boy babies than girls (a 1% surplus of boys). This
continues until age 35 where there is an equal ratio of single men to
single women. From that point on the men start dying off so that at age
60 there are three and one half single women for every single man in the
United States. This statistic becomes even more grim when you consider
that many of these scarce 60 year single men are dating women in their
forties and fifties! Obviously if single women continue to prefer older
men their chances of finding a husband will diminish.
2. Marrying a man who is taller than she. Women who are tall (over 5'6")
and like to wear high heels have a problem in meeting suitable men. I
have spoken to many women who insist that a man be over 6 feet tall.
That eliminates 90% of the single men in this country!
3. Marrying a man who earns more money than she. Even though women in
this country still only earn 62 cents on the dollar in comparison to
men, this doesn't apply to successful professional women, who have
literally priced themselves out of the market! They have a very tough
time finding a man who is older, taller, and wealthier than they.
The main flaw in the Harvard-Yale Study is that there's no reason why
you can't adjust to these realities. Why not choose a man who is
younger, shorter, or less prosperous? For years women have been
complaining about how superficial men are. They chastise men for
overlooking inner beauty, intimacy, and communication. Perhaps single
women need to look at their own superficial prejudices regarding age,
height, and money.
Single men have their own set of unrealistic expectations. They tend to
prefer young, slim, pretty women. These women are at a tremendous
premium. They have men standing in line for them. Unless you're rich and
handsome, what are the chances that you'll attract one of these
beauties?
The reality is that few women in this country have the slim figure of a
model. Women begin with one third more fat than men. That is nature's
way of preparing them for pregnancy. Otherwise our species might not be
around today. The old adage that "beauty is only skin deep" may sound
corny, but it's true. So don't worry if she is a few pounds overweight.
Find yourself a loving woman with whom you can share a happy life.
RULE #2: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR FRIENDS
"Oh no, don't tell me I have to go on blind dates. You only get to meet
losers."
The number one method for meeting people in this country is through
mutual friends. Spread the word to your friends that you'd like to meet
more people. Be sure to share with them exactly the qualities you are
looking for. Ask them to include you on their guest list for dinners and
parties. Have them introduce you to their friends, relatives, and
co-workers as well.
Don't be afraid of blind dates. They are still a very common way of
meeting people. Just don't expect too much. The likelihood is that on
any particular blind date either you or the other person won't find the
other to be attractive. So be patient.
RULE #3: EXPLOIT YOUR JOB
"Hey, wait a second. I'm not going to choose a job on the basis of
whether it's a good place to meet people. I've got to put food on my
table."
Most people choose a job on the basis of such things as money, status,
enjoyment, and proximity to their homes. There's nothing wrong with
that, but think about adding one more criterion: likelihood of meeting
new friends. 10% of all romantic relationships begin between people who
meet each other on the job, according to a study of 3000 singles.
(Simenauer, J. and Carroll, D., Singles: The New Americans, N.Y., Simon
& Schuster: 1982). Furthermore, according to a survey of 1,800
professional women between the ages of 21-45, "a romance between
coworkers is four times more likely to last than one between a couple
who met elsewhere.... About 20% of on-the-job romances lead to
marriage." (Marin Independent-Journal, March, 25, 1986.)
What about the risks involved? Will you have to find another job if your
office romance doesn't work out? According to the survey of professional
women cited above, "only 5.3% of the women said they felt their
relationship had hurt their career. Only 1 in 400 reported losing her
job."
If possible choose a job where you are dealing with the public on a
daily basis. Unfortunately these are often low-paying jobs (e.g.,
waiters and waitresses, bank tellers and cashiers.) The pay-off is that
you meet lots of new people. Another option is to choose an office where
there are plenty of attractive single people of the opposite sex.
What if you don't work and don't need the money? Consider a volunteer
job. There are all kinds of interesting opportunities to help others and
make your community a better place to live. Call up your local volunteer
bureau to find out how. Along with "contributing to society" you'll also
increase your visibility in the community and meet new friends. See the
chapter on Volunteer Work.
RULE #4: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
Staying home is natural. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's inexpensive.
There's only one problem. You'll never meet anybody by staying at home.
Most singles spend almost all of their free time at home. Then they
wonder why they never meet anybody!
How often should you get out of the house to meet people? That depends
on how soon you want to meet someone special. If you're willing to wait
20 years, then don't sweat about it. Once a month is fine. On the other
hand, if you want to meet someone soon, remember that every night you go
out looking hastens the day when you succeed.
RULE #5: HANG AROUND STRANGERS ALONE
When we're kids our parents warn us to stay away from strangers. That's
good advice at the time. Strangers are dangerous. What's also true,
however, is that the love of your life is probably a stranger to you
right now. So if you want to meet that person you're going to have to
forget what your parents taught you about strangers. A good example of
the problem is the following conversation:
Julie: "Are you going to the party Saturday night?
Sally: "No, I don't think so."
Julie: "Why not?"
Sally: "I won't know anyone there."
Sally's attitude is typical. She's afraid to go to a party full of
strangers. But that's exactly the party she should go to. She'll have
the greatest chance of meeting someone special if she knows few of the
guests. In fact, the ideal party would be one where you knew absolutely
no one, not even the host. In other words, a party you crashed.
The hardest part of Rule #5 is the word "alone". If you're like most
single people, when you go to social functions you usually drag along
your friends. I call them bodyguards. Their purpose is to insure that
you won't meet anyone new. As long as you have your friends to engage in
conversation, you won't have the motivation to meet new people.
Hanging around your friends is a particularly serious problem if you are
a single woman, because your bodyguards make you unapproachable. Most
men are scared to approach you if you're alone, due to fear of
rejection. Think of how much more intimidating it is for a single man to
approach you if you are part of a group! A man will wait patiently for
the magic moment that never comes--the time when the women stop talking
so he can introduce himself.
RULE #6: HANG AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX
"Don't insult my intelligence. Of course I know that I've got to hang
around people of the opposite sex in order to find a romantic
partner."
It sounds a little ridiculous to make something so obvious into a rule.
Unfortunately what is obvious isn't always followed. Most people feel
most comfortable hanging around their own sex. Don't believe what you
read about women's liberation or men's liberation. The fact of the
matter is that men and women are very different. Men usually prefer to
do "masculine" things and women like to do "feminine" things. As a
result, more times than not the sexes don't mingle.
If you want to meet a man, ask yourself this question: "What do women
hate to do that men love to do?" If you're a man ask yourself, "What do
men hate to do that women love to do?" Whatever it is, do it. You'll
find that there will be very little competition. You'll have all those
attractive men or women to yourself. For example, if you're a woman, the
best place to meet men is at a basketball gym.
"Are you crazy? I'm only 5 foot 2 and I have long nails. How am I going
to play basketball?"
Who said anything about playing basketball? What's to prevent you from
going down to the gym to watch?
"But what if a guy comes up to me and asks what I'm doing there?
You have two options: you can tell the truth or you can lie. If you have
the courage, by all means tell the truth: "I'm here to meet men." If you
haven't the guts to be honest, then lie: "I thought the NBA game was on
tonight and was dying to see some good basketball." All's fair in love
and war. If you have to tell a lie that hurts no one in order to find
someone for a loving relationship, isn't it worth it?
So rush down to the gym. If nothing else you'll get to see a bunch of
good looking hunks all night running around in their underwear!
In general just about any sport is a good place to meet single men. Some
sports, of course, have a greater surplus of men than others. The rule
of thumb is "the bloodier, more violent, more dangerous, more demanding
the sport, the greater the surplus of men". Boxing, martial arts,
wrestling, and hockey have a greater surplus of men than tennis or
bowling, which are quite popular among women. See the chapter on Sports
for specific places to watch or participate in individual sports.
"Enough of this advice for women. What about us guys? Where are all the
women hanging out?"
Try an aerobics class. The ratio is usually 10 women for every man! Or
try folk dancing. Here the ratio is usually three to one. In fact you'll
usually find more women than men in any kind of event that features
dancing (other than singles bars). Women are also more likely to attend
classes, seminars, pot luck dinners, and singles clubs in general.
RULE #7: INITIATE CONTACT
"Oh, oh. I knew there was a catch. I'm willing to lower my expectations,
get out of the house, and hang around strangers of the opposite sex. But
don't ask me to put my ego on the line and initiate contact. I might get
rejected!"
When you get right down to it, it's the fear of rejection that causes
millions of singles to remain single. We're all just plain
chicken.
"All right, I'll admit it. I'm chicken. So what's the solution? How do I
overcome the fear of rejection?"
There's only one way: go out and get rejected. Each time you get
rejected you build up scar tissue. You'll find it a little easier to
approach someone the next time. Pretty soon you'll be desensitized to
the pain of rejection to the point where your fear is manageable.
But don't expect to ever get rid of the pain of rejection. That will
always remain. I've been rejected many, many times, but it still hurts.
It's just that the pain has subsided to the point where I don't have a
nervous breakdown each time I get turned down. So go out there and make
contact!
"Hold it a second. Men don't like women who initiate contact."
This is pure b.s. I've asked hundreds of men in my classes this question
and over 90% of them answer that they love women to take the initiative.
If you're a woman, put yourself in the shoes of single men. All your
life the pressure has been on you to initiate contact. You've been
rejected countless times. Wouldn't you love to reverse the tables?
Where does this myth come from that men don't like forward women? I
think it has to do with the Law of Rejection: Unless you're one of the
lucky 5%, most single people will not find you attractive. In other
words, most men are going to reject you. It has nothing to do with them
not liking women who take the initiative. They just don't like
you.
"O.k., you've talked me into it. But how should I initiate
contact?"
The first thing is to make eye contact with someone you find attractive
and smile. If they return the smile, you're in! If they turn away or
fail to smile, things get riskier. If you approach them you know there's
a high probability they're going to reject you. On the other hand, they
may just be shy. There's only one way to find out. Take the
plunge.
Most singles procrastinate for an hour before making their move. They
keep waiting for an opening where they can come over comfortably and
initiate contact. Before that happens usually one of two things occurs:
the person leaves before you meet them or someone else beats you to the
punch. In either case you lose out because you waited for the perfect
opportunity.
The secret to initiating contact is to do it right away before you have
time to talk yourself out of it.
"But what do I say? Give me a sure-fire opening line."
Sorry, there's isn't one guaranteed to work with everyone. You've just
got to come up with the best line you can and hope for the best. If you
try a funny line you may impress someone with your sense of humor or you
may just end up with egg on your face.
If you try the straightforward approach, "Hi, I'm Charlie", they may
dismiss you as a nerd. So you can't win all the time. But that's not the
point. Nobody's keeping score! You only have to win once. Then you're
set for the rest of your life. So don't worry about the flops. "Damn the
torpedoes; full speed ahead!"
RULE #8: HAVE SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATIONS
"Wait a second, did I read that right? Have superficial conversations?
That's the whole problem with meeting people, you wind up talking about
Reagan, the weather, or the latest sports scores. BORING!"
Do you expect people to spill their guts the first five minutes they
meet you? If so, you're very unrealistic. People usually want to feel
you out before they open up. They want to make sure it's safe.
Every intimate conversation with a stranger begins on a superficial
level. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find one prince. A dozen
phony, boring conversations may be the price you pay for one sincere
conversation with someone special.
RULE #9: PIN DOWN YOUR NEXT CONTACT
Does this situation sound familiar? You meet someone special. You get
involved in a superficial conversation. Before you know it, both of you
start opening up with private things and feelings. You start laughing.
You almost feel like you've known each other all your lives. Could this
be the big one? After all the searching, is this it?
But then the moment of truth arrives. If you meet at the beach,
eventually the sun's gonna set. If it's at a bar, at 2 a.m. it's closing
time. Sooner or later, wherever you met, the party's over. Before you
leave, one of you has to end the conversation. So the two of you stand
up and stare at each other, nervous and hesitant. Finally you break the
silence. "I had a real nice time talking to you. Hope to see you again."
Your new friend replies, "Yeah, catch you next time.
Disaster can strike so quickly at the moment of truth. Let's look at
things logically. If you've seen this person once in forty years, what's
the likelihood that you'll ever see each other again? Both of you have
blown it. It's back to the drawing board.
This kind of tragedy happens all the time. Two people meet, obviously
are attracted to each other, but then fail to follow through. And so all
is for nought.
"But wait. I'd never be so dumb as to say 'catch you next time'. I'd
exchange phone numbers."
That's a little better, but not much. Think of all the times you've
exchanged phone numbers in the past. How many times did you actually get
to see the other person again. Probably less than 50%.
People always are puzzled about this. The women all ask, "How come I
meet this guy, we have a great conversation, he asks for my number, I
give it to him, and then he never calls? What's wrong with men?"
Many women are quite bitter about this. They feel betrayed. Often they
rush home from work the next three nights expecting him to call. The
silence is deafening. What's going on here? There are many reasons why a
man doesn't call after asking for your phone number:
1. He lost it.
2. He forgot who you were. This is common in situations where a great
deal of drinking has gone on.
3. He remembered who you were, but forgot what a great time he had with
you.
4. He fantasized that you might reject him and therefore chickened out.
5. He called a few times, nobody answered, so he gave up.
"But wait a second, I have an answering machine. Why didn't the jerk
leave a message?"
Many people hate or fear answering machines. Just count the number of
times people call and fail to leave a message. In a stressful situation
like calling someone for a date, is it that surprising that he might
hang up?
Of course the guys have their version of the story. "How come I run into
women all the time who give me their number and then come up with a song
and dance about how busy they are each time I call to ask them
out?"
There are many reasons why a woman might not respond positively to your
telephone call:
1. She forgot who you were.
2. She lost interest once she sobered up.
3. She is genuinely very busy.
4. She's afraid of dating.
5. She never intended to go out with you in the first place.
The last reason is the hardest for men to deal with. "If she didn't want
to go out with me then why did she give me her damn number?" The best
way to answer that question is to pretend you're an attractive woman.
All your life men have come on to you and asked you out or for your
telephone number. It's hard to say to someone, "I find you unattractive"
or "I don't want to go out with you" or "No, you can't have my telephone
number". So what do you do? You give up your telephone number, hoping
he'll never call. If he does call, you lie. You say that you're busy
Saturday night or you have a boyfriend.
It would be great if we lived in a world where people were honest and
didn't play these games. Unfortunately, such is not the case. The price
you pay for flirting with women and asking them out on dates is that a
certain percentage will lie and pretend to want to go out with you. If
you were a woman you'd probably do the same thing.
One piece of advice that is critical for both men and women is to always
confirm a date ahead of time. Occasionally you will find that the phone
number that was given to you is a phony or that the person has no
intention of meeting with you. You can avoid the pain, frustration, and
anger of being stood up by taking this simple precaution.
RULE #10: DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG PERSON
The great American fantasy is to fall in love and live happily ever
after. Unfortunately your heart is a poor judge of character. Many
single people fall in love with the wrong person and live miserably ever
after. Following your feelings can be a recipe for disaster unless they
are based on sound information about this person. How do you get the
facts about a potential spouse? The answer is you ask.
Unfortunately most singles are afraid to getting personal for fear of
scaring off a potential loving partner. So they "play it cool" at the
beginning of a relationship. They especially avoid "heavy" subjects like
sex.
That's fine as long as your feelings towards each other are casual. But
what happens when you fall in love? All of a sudden you panic and
realize that you know very little about this special person. So now you
start with the personal questions. Then disaster strikes. You discover a
fatal flaw. For example, you want to have children and they don't. You
want marriage and they don't. They want to move to Denver and you love
the Bay Area.
Now you're on the horns of a terrible dilemma. You can drop the person
and go through the agony of a broken relationship. Or you can do what
most people do: marry them and hope to change them. Fat chance! You'll
probably end up being married to someone inappropriate and resent them
for not changing. The way to avoid disastrous relationships is to get
personal early in a relationship.
"Hold it a minute. Get personal with a stranger? That's too risky.
They're going to think I'm nosy if I ask intimate questions. There's no
doubt that it's risky to get personal. Some people can't handle
intimacy. They are closed and feel uncomfortable being around someone
who wants to share secrets and intimate feelings. But don't you want to
find that out as soon as possible? Or would you rather date a guy for 6
months before discovering that he's an emotional cripple?
Of course there's nothing wrong with playing it cool for a while. At
some point, however, you're going to have to bite the bullet. You're
going to have to do two things: pry and reveal. When you pry you ask
personal questions. When you reveal you let the other person learn
personal things about you. That's all there is to it.
If you want to play it safe, pry and reveal simultaneously. For example,
suppose you're talking to someone who mentions that they were recently
living with someone but moved out. Here's your chance to get personal
and raise your superficial conversation to an intimate level. You could
ask, "Were you dumped or did you do the dumping?" That's getting
personal, but there's a good chance you're going to offend the other
person with such a heavy-handed question. An alternative is to say, "I
was in a relationship until three months ago, but it broke up very
painfully for me. How did yours end?"
"How soon should I get personal?"
That depends on how long you're willing to wait before falling in love.
If you want to chitchat for six months before getting serious about
someone, that's o.k. Just remember that you are not allowed to fall in
love unless you have the answers to your critical questions. I call them
killer questions. If any of them are answered incorrectly the
relationship is dead. You drop the person immediately.
Another Version of the Questions and Tips From Another Dater:
1. Are you single? Pretty obvious, isn't it? You'd be surprised how many
people assume that someone by themselves at a party or a dance is
single. Always ask. In addition, it makes particular sense for women to
ask a man for his home telephone number. If he hands you a business card
ask him to write his home number down as well. And be sure to call that
number to make sure he isn't married or living with a woman. Be careful
with people who answer that they are separated. "Have you moved out?"
and "Have you filed for divorce?" are indispensable killer questions. If
they are still living with their spouse or haven't yet filed for
divorce, it's best you pass and move on to greener pastures.
2. Are you involved with someone romantically? Here's where you avoid
someone who already loves someone else.
3. Why didn't your other romantic relationships last? Find out as much
as you can about their marriage(s) or past relationships. Hopefully
you'll find out their negative qualities. Then you can decide whether
you can live with that flaw or should move on to someone different. You
can also find out if they are incompatible with a certain kind of
person. For example, maybe they can't stand being with someone who is
possessive and is always checking up on them. If you are that kind of
person, you can move on to someone compatible with your flaws.
4. How do you deal with conflict and problems in relationships? If their
preference is to sweep problems under the rug or to fall into a rage,
they are not good relationship material.
5. Do you have children? How many? Do you want children? How many? How
soon do you want to have children? I have dated two women in the past
who wanted to have children. By terrible coincidence both wound up
falling in love with men who had had vasectomies. Talk about falling in
love with the wrong person! Ask questions first; fall in love later.
6. What are your long term goals? Do you want to get married? Do you
want to change careers? Do you plan to go back to school? Are you happy
in this area or would you prefer moving elsewhere?
7. What do you like to do sexually? What are your sexual fantasies? Most
singles are squeamish when it comes to asking these questions. The
result is marriages that are unfulfilling sexually for one or both
partners. Another potential result is your partner fulfilling their
fantasies with others rather than you. Sexual questions are particularly
important if you don't believe in pre-marital sex. In that case there's
only one way to find out their sexual preferences--ask.
8. Do you have any contagious diseases? Have you engaged in high risk
behavior (intravenous drugs or sex with bisexual or homosexual males)?
These are literally killer questions. Falling in love with the wrong
person can kill you.
9. How much do you drink? Which drugs do you do, and how often?
Here's a homework assignment. Develop your own list of killer questions.
The way to do it is to analyze your previous love relationships. What
character trait or behavior pattern of a romantic partner destroyed the
relationship? Formulate a question to find out whether a prospect has
this trait.
"How do I know that my prospective romantic partner is answering my
killer questions honestly?"
Unfortunately you can't always trust people. They're going to be tempted
to tell you what you want to hear rather than the truth. One way of
getting around this is to quiz their parents, relatives, and friends.
The ideal person to ask, of course, is their ex-spouse. Find out the
"dirt" about a prospective romantic partner before you fall in love.
This advice is decidedly unromantic, but it sure beats finding out
disastrous information after you fall in love. “
"If my partner finds out I've been snooping around their private
life, there's going to be hell to pay!"
"I would like to see a process which goes: 1. Meet casual friends in
normal life. This doesn't work easily for people who have
non-perpetuating social contact circles, or who have restrictions on
dating people at work or don't attend social functions where there is a
substantial population of single people of a reasonable age group. Thus
match.com, which is not normal life, but will have to do in a pinch.
2. Develop a devoted friendship, where you can get comfortable with
someone without wondering whether each time is the last time you'll ever
see them. 3. Become lovers. Do a great romantic weekend somewhere to
start this off. 4. Get married. Or some derivation of this until both of
you are ready.
5. Have a family. Optional according to taste. One can stop anywhere
along the above continuum with great happiness, if you haven't skipped
steps. If you've skipped any steps, you'll hate each other and yourself
(you can demonstrate this by trying steps 5 through 1 in reverse)."
"I never met so many goldiggers and gals with superficial checklists in
my life.. yikes.. you've got to be careful."
"The bottom line is make genuine contact at all costs. If you connect on
a genuine level, you have the ball. Shake it up and have fun. Everyone
is bored and sick of the bullshit. An honest moment of connection is
refreshing"
"There's plenty to go around. If you hog the ball, the team loses. Your
friends are not your adversaries. Work together and everyone wins. Petty
competition makes everyone look bad. Worst of all, you look desperate or
bitter. everyone likes fun. Keep it fun. It's fun to share."
"People like to fill in the blanks. People also want things to be
perfect. Keep your mouth shut and they'll fill in the blanks perfectly.
Don't try to guess what they're looking for. It's not about what you
say, it's how you listen."
"Women are smart. Take this into consideration. They're good at reading
the vibe and are in tune with what's really going down. They know what's
happening. Don't manipulate, deny, and condescend. It's insulting."
“Women like attention. It's flattering as long as you're respectful and
honest. “
"Be honest with yourself and with them. If you want intimacy, then own
up to it. Don't come at them like you're interested in their nail polish
if what you really want is intimacy. It's insulting. You're a man, she's
a woman. Deal with it. The more you pretend that it's not about sexual
attraction, the harder it will be to redefine the parameters. Honesty
works like magic if you're free from guilt. The truth shall set you
free."
"Lying is bad. Forget the ethical issue, it's bad business. It
demonstrates a lack of self-confidence. Even if you get away with it,
you're going down the wrong road. But if a friend gets in trouble,
sometimes a simple lie can be a perfect parachute."
"You're a man, so present yourself as one. Confidence and being
comfortable with one's self is very attractive. So if you're attracted
to a beautiful baby, be both confident and comfortable with that. Don't
apologize or qualify how you're feeling. She'll respect you for it."
"There's nothing like a good entrance. You wouldn't want to sit at a
table that wasn't set. If you're there too early, you look desperate.
Show up late like you're "just stopping by," and you come off like the
man about town."
"Everyone wants a mystery. Staring deadpan at a beautiful baby cheats
her out of the suspense and courtship she deserves. Keep it intriguing
and give her the gift of a challenge."
"The strongest will survives. Don't waste your time filling your head
with self-doubt. The competition's fierce, so always give yourself the
edge. A sense of self-respect makes all the difference in the world. You
can be the king of the Jungle or just another hyena cowering at the
water hole. It's all up to you."
"Don't hide the fact that you like sex. That doesn't mean act like the
fourteen year old on the back of the bus who's constantly pulling on
himself and making obscene noises. It just means own your sexuality and
don't apologize for it."
"Be a man with a slow hand. The ladies love foreplay, and that's exactly
why you wait a few days before you call. No reason to rush it. Let her
savor the wait. She'll thank you later."
"Our generation is the first to be presented with the challenge of the
answering machine. A good message can put you on the fast track to
paradise, a bad one can lead to public ridicule and endless playbacks to
the delight of family and friends. The stakes are high. This is no joke.
The golden rule is keep it simple. Don't try to overexplain who you are
or how you're feeling. It's a moment frozen in amber. It's a small piece
of your soul. Give her a taste--the little pink spoon, not the whole
sundae."
"Sometimes it just happens. Let it. Don't let stupid rules from a book
get in the way. If you're lucky enough to have things unfold
organically, don't ruin it. You're money."
"You're always better off trusting yourself and playing your game. You
wouldn't ask Stockton to bang the boards for rebounds and you wouldn't
want Shaq trying to drain threes. Stick with what feels right. That way,
even if you fail, you've learned something. Trust your instincts and
think for yourself. "
" The first date is always in a public place, you take your car, they
take their car, both of you leave in your cars and go back to your own
homes. The second date is exactly as the first. Exactly as the
second. The fourth date can be in one car, mutually agreeable that
each of you will return to their respective homes alone. There is to be
no touching as far as long kisses, arms around each other, longer than a
few seconds hugging. At no time are the two of you to be alone
together. Any vehicle causes a chance for being alone. When
you arrive home, get out of the car and go inside. There is
nothing wrong with being walked to your door. However, talking
outside is fine, you enter your home alone. It is my suggestion
that you date for the minimum of one year. If there are
children from previous marriages or relationships, they are not to meet
your date for the first year. This causes damage to the children;
as they will see people going in and out of your life that they become
attached to. Remember, being without their father or mother is
already traumatic enough.”
Sex before marriage is absolutely out. Many times I have heard
people talk about their "friends." I ask them if they are sleeping
with them, and they say yes. I tell them they are no longer
friends. Remember, you don't sleep with your friends! Any
time alone together is dangerous. Inappropriate kissing, fondling,
etc. will only lead to hormone adjustments and crossing the line is much
easier to do in the heat of the moment. Don't set yourself up to
fail. If you are a single parent with children, just because you
had sex at least once in your life, doesn't mean it is all right to have
it again. Become a born again virgin. Avoid conversations that are
sexual in nature. Using the "someday" technique may put you in the
present moment faster than you think. If you cannot stand someone's
children, don't marry that person. You will resent the children
later and the relationship will fail. Practice makes perfect.
Continue practicing friendship. You will need this later in your
relationship."
My Friends Rules:
"Rule #1
HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME = HOW WELL YOU MASTER THE RULES.
It is up to you to learn the rules. Ignorance of the rules will not
protect you from the consequences of breaking them.
RULE #2:
HOW WELL YOU ENJOY THIS GAME IS BASED ON THE PURPOSE YOU GIVE IT.
For example, if your purpose is to have fun, to learn about yourself and
others, and to develop your social skills, then you can enjoy any given
date. (Dating is a great opportunity for learning about you and others,
if you so choose). On the other hand, if your purpose is to meet your
"soul-mate" (whatever that is)-who will magically and instantly turn
your unhappy life into a happy one-then it is virtually certain you will
not enjoy any given date, nor the game itself.
RULE #3:
GET A LIFE! (if you don't have one already...)
This means: define and pursue your own interests-and consider building
non-romantic relationships with a variety of people, including couples.
Dating requires that you invite another person into your life. If you
don't have one, you are unlikely to attract someone you would want as a
mate, since we tend to attract people who are at a similar "level" as we
are. By the way, there is a "rule of life" at work here, which some
people don't like: YOU alone are responsible for your happiness; no one
else can 'make' you happy. So make your life full and happy!
RULE #4:
MAKE AN ABSOLUTE COMMITMENT TO LOVE YOURSELF- EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU
CAN'T OR DON'T KNOW HOW.
A successful relationship is built on three cornerstones: communication,
caring, and commitment. And there is no way you can give these to
another if you withhold them from yourself. Consider using this
affirmation daily: "I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND AND STRONGEST SUPPORTER; I
LOVE AND APPRECIATE WHO I AM!" A powerful "stand," such as this, will
support you in practicing Rule #5. Also, being more loving to others
will increase your self-love. Plus you'll be much more attractive as a
person. **
RULE #5:
GET A HANDLE ON YOUR SELF-TALK!
Your enjoyment of the dating game-or any activity-is related to your
self-talk. Most people disempower themselves, at times mercilessly, with
negative evaluations of themselves and others. Learn to observe your
"internal dialogue" with detachment, like images on a movie screen, and
not react to it. (Meditation is very helpful for cultivating this
ability). *** Especially, don't take rejection personally: "chemistry"
has nothing to do with who you are!
RULE #6:
CHOOSE A COMPANION
-not a friend or love interest: that comes later... (A companion may be
defined as a person with whom you share activities, where the activity
is more important than the particular person). Pick three (3) people
you'd like to get to know better. (If you don't know three such people,
go back to Rule #3). Select an activity that you enjoy. Then pick the
one person you think you would have the most fun being with, and invite
them to share that activity with you.
RULE #7:
EASE UP ON YOUR EXPECTATIONS!
Don't expect your first date with anyone to be "the one."' A loving,
committed partnership requires, in addition to "chemistry," shared
values and life-style preferences, compatible goals, complementary
personalities, and similar expectations of (and capacity to nourish) a
relationship. So, plan to meet and go out with lots of people, until you
find a real "match." Meanwhile, if you relax and allow things to just
unfold, you'll be able to enjoy and get to know your date. And your date
will relax, without feeling "sized up." You can discover other kinds of
valuable relationships if you're not just focused on romance. And, men,
you need to know that "friends" can become "lovers" if you're patient,
respectful and loving: a true friend!
RULE #8:
KEEP IT LIGHT:
Don't tell intimate, personal secrets on the first (or second) date!
Healthy people know how to protect themselves, and you do this by
keeping your sharing to the public level: this means it would be OK for
anyone to know this about you. Be genuinely interested in your date, and
ask them questions about their life-their interests, work, friends and
family, hobbies and preferred fun activities, etc. The more interested
you are in them, the more interested they'll be in you (if not, you have
a red flag!). Also, it's critical to balance showing interest in the
other person and making room for them to show interest in you: if you're
always pursuing, it's likely your partner will retreat!
RULE #9:
YOU DECIDE: IS THIS PERSON A FRIEND?
If you determine that you have enough in common, after the first date,
and you enjoy one another's company, then it's time to ask yourself this
question. At the friendship level, the person is more important than the
activity. Here, communication is very important, and you need to be able
to recognize and move between levels of sharing. See if you can begin to
share at the private level (personal thoughts and feelings you wouldn't
want publicly known), and at the intimate level (thoughts and feelings
about the other person)-and notice their response: is it accepting or
judging (or aloof)? It is useful to imagine four levels of depth in
sharing, and to go no more than one level deeper than your partner does.
Also, don't confuse private and intimate sharing: e.g., giving details
about how you were abused as a child is not a turn-on!
JUST SAY "WHOA" TO SEX!
If you feel comfortable, safe and mutually attracted with your new
friend, then it may be appropriate to explore sexuality...(healthy
relationships are based mainly on comfort; unhealthy relationships are
based mainly on intensity). WATCH OUT HERE! You need to be rigorously
honest with yourself: if you're starving for contact, it's very easy to
think you see a friend on a first date. But the reality is that they're
a stranger, and having sex with a stranger is dangerous!
It is critical to know what sex means to your partner: don't assume
anything, ask them. You also need to respect and admire each other as
people: you simply can't build a satisfying relationship without these
two qualities. Chemistry is important, but it can distort your thinking.
Sexual feelings stimulate a myriad of chemicals in the body, which are
proven to alter perception like drugs. So exceptional care and
consciousness are called for! If you have a history of 'crash and burn'
relationships, it's a good idea to get feedback from your friends,
before you jump in"
"If you examine it closely, your situation makes a great deal of sense.
Men in their twenties have a very different set of priorities than men
in their thirties or forties and "seasoned" men are often more mature.
The nice thing is, in this case, you and your friends are the
beneficiaries. Twenty-something year old men are still searching for who
they are, what talents they possess and the type of women they desire.
They are experiencing many aspects of life for the first time.
Physically, they are approaching their sexual prime and seek physical
relationships more often. Sex, money, personal-improvement, material
possessions, sports and status are their primary interests and
motivational forces. Their 'me' mentality has not yet matured into a
"we" philosophy and jealousy often surfaces seemingly without
provocation. For older men, this is not the case. By their late
thirties, most know who they are or at least who they are not. Many are
in the second or third phases of their careers and have learned that
there is more to life than money, sex and prestige. You will find that
they avoid playing the "mind games' that younger men engage in as they
realize this is simply a waste of time. They have learned what
physically, emotionally and intellectually satisfies a woman. Seasoned
men will be more responsible, get things done and have a life beyond
their relationship with you. They will not hang on your every word, nor
pressure you for sex, but will truly appreciate the time they spend with
you. They realize that in today's busy and complicated world, time is
precious. Women assume very different roles in the lives of men
depending on the age of the man they are dating. Younger men see women
as being there for them. Older men take great personal pride in dating
younger women and strive to connect with them on their level. Women
indicated that time spent with older men was more meaningful, loving,
and enjoyable. They had the ability to hold women's attention, had more
life experiences to draw upon and focused less on themselves. "
"If a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, and goes out with another girl
within ten to twenty years, he is a "jerk" and "dumped her for someone
else. On the other hand, if the girl goes out with somebody mere seconds
after she broke up with her ex, its not being mean or shallow, its
because her ex is a shallow insensitive jerk who beat her. If a guy
dumps a girl, he did it because he is a "selfish pig" that "cares about
nobody but himself." But, on the other hand, if a girl dumps a
guy, she was "doing what's best for both of us" because its "not you,
its me." No matter how persuasive his argument or how much he explains
why he broke up with a girl, that girl, her family, and friends, will
always somehow "find out the real reason" or "just make something up so
the girl doesn't look bad." If guys act senselessly or stupid, its
because they're "jerks" or "assholes" or "selfish pigs that don't care
about other people's feelings." If a girl acts senselessly or stupid,
its either because: A) Its the guy's fault; B) Its that time of the
month (even though they've been acting like it for 3 weeks) and/or
they're having "personal problems"; C) They weren't acting senselessly
or stupid, you just think that, but you're wrong.
Girls are all heart and don't care about material, one-dimensional
things like those "damned male pigs" do. That's why they have
hundreds of pairs of shoes and will only love you if you buy them
unbelievably expensive jewelry that has no real purpose or function
other than to drain you of what small funds you have."
"Well, okay. It's not exactly the rules. After all, we're talking about
something being written by a fellow whose romantic career has been...
less than exemplary, shall we say? But, it's bits and bobs I've come up
with, especially in talking things over with friends recently due to
once again getting interested in someone and having it not immediately
turn into utter bliss.
1: Get a Life
Ah, how many times have we heard this shouted at some poor anorak
(harmless obsessive) who just can't seem to let go of their pet
addiction? Most of us feel contempt-tinged pity for the poor fools who
seem oblivious to anything but collecting stamps, or trainspotting, or
studying fourteenth-century medieval warfare - and yet sign right on up
to the Sad Bastard of the Month Club when it comes to love, complete
with the free boxed set of 'Bad Poetry No One Should Write' and '101
Ways to Say "I'm a Sap"'. When you have Romeo and Juliet as a cultural
icon of romance, the phrase 'Get a Life' seems rather trite.
Still, this is perhaps the most important advice anyone can take. No
matter how interested in someone you are, you can't just dive on in,
making them the end-all be-all of each and every day. After all, you
need something to talk about, right? Doesn't happen if you spend all
your time together. You have to have things that happen in your life
that you can discuss and relate to each other. It also lets off
steam. What use is it to love someone else's company if you don't know
what missing that company is like? And no two people, no matter how
compatible or alike they are, like all of the exact same things in the
exact same proportions. Or do you _really_ think that she enjoys playing
Tekken for several hours each night?
Also, in a sad, manipulative way, it shows that you aren't desperate.
The fact you have outside interests, outside things to do, shows that
you can get on perfectly well without the other person - you just prefer
not to. It's that old, well-used argument of want versus need. It's
much, much better - and I know this from experience - to be wanted,
rather than needed. Wanted is a choice, one that doesn't come loaded
with requirements and expectations of action. Being needed has a great
deal to it in terms of things you have to do for the other person,
because they can't provide it themselves or can't do without it.
This also allows for the Consolation Prize category. Should things not
end up happening or working out, the fact that you kept up your previous
life - and hopefully didn't talk everyone's ears off about your
relationship - means that you actually have pe ople you can do things
with in the future. Most people don't like being abandoned every time
you decide to chase a woman (in my case) or a man - it shows a lack of
balance. And, after all, we all know that one of the best ways to meet
new people is through your friends...
2: Take it Easy
This is my personal bugaboo. I am not a patient man when it comes to
romantic relationships. If the way I tend to handle relationships was
compared to highway driving, I'm the fellow that your local law
enforcement would always be pulling over for thinking that the
accelerator in the car is an on-off switch - either not in use or fully
pressed to the floor. Lead foot. Speed demon. Michael Schumacher doesn't
hold a candle. Etc.
But, no matter how much you think you can break into the Formula 1 race
of dating, pushing things at maximum speed isn't the way to go. Most
meaningful relationships aren't going to start with racing ahead to the
formal aspects of a relationship without getting to know one another. I
shudder to consider people who go home with each other from the club
without knowing anything about the other person's personality, likes,
dislikes, personal phobias, or even what they prefer for breakfast. If
nothing else, relationships should require the same cooling-off period
as purchasing a gun in most states in the United States. Sure, it seems
a good idea when you're hot and bothered... but do you really know what
you're getting into?
I tend to dwell on things in my mind, build them up into gigantic
proportion, and then melt down into a little ball in no time. It's
probably because I'm a relatively repressed individual, not used to any
large swings of emotion one way or another (any disputes with this
statement can be given to me. Directly. And I'll bludgeon you until you
agree with me). This is Not Good, with capitals. Why, you ask?
Because it labels you as an obsessive. Obsessives are bad. Obsessives
cannot react rationally to emotional matters. Obsessives can hurt
people, either emotionally or physically. They can become like one
fellow, who's been contacting my cousin on a semi-regular basis for
several years after she refused to have anything to do with him. Yes, I
know, you look at the movies, and think it looks cute. Think again -
most places now have laws against that sort of activity, and if you're
remotely decent, becoming one of these poor souls is one of the most
truly mortifying experiences you can have. Talk about shattering the
self-image.
Think of it like cooking. If I'm baking up a batch of my 'dive bombs'
(double chocolate chunk cookies, yum!), the only result of cooking them
at gas mark 9 will be small charred bits of chocolate dough only good
for a Palestinian to throw at Israeli soldiers. However, if I cook them
at gas mark 5 for the right amount of time, I have confections suitable
for use in bribing large numbers of friends and relatives. Now, I don't
know about you - but until I join the intifada, I'll stick with the
lower temperature.
If you don't overpressurize and overcook the situation, your
relationship, potential or in place, will have time to grow and flower.
Nothing happens in a vacuum, and nothing happens in an instant. Let it
grow, let it develop. Get to know the person, and let them get to know
you. After all, they have just as much of a right to see what they're
getting as you do to see what you are trying to catch. That process also
allows you two to see that you are both interested in each other for
each other, and aren't some sort of raving maniac.
How to deal with this one? Don't expect immediate results. Indulge
liberally in Rule Number 1 - Get A Life. Not too much - you do want to
show you're still interested. But do other things. Don't hover over her,
being there all the time, no matter what the time. Do other things. Put
other parts of your life forward as being important, and do them - even
if that can put you out of doing some of the things you could otherwise
be doing with her. Allow some time to lapse between seeing each other -
a day or a few can really bring home how much you wish you were seeing
each other. As opposed to you both wishing you were not seeing each
other, and won't they please just go away!
3. Be Sincere
We all know Cary Grant. Suave on screen, the man exuded charm. Hair
always perfectly in place, clothes always perfectly tailored unless he's
been diving through some cornfield in the middle of Illinois. He knew
the right drink to have - and to order for the lady, too. Never a
fashion faux pas, always the master at being the best example of
sophistication you could imagine. This man could charm the ladies left,
right, and centre, with the right compliment, the right gallantry, the
right whispered phrase.
Now, look in the mirror. Does that look like Cary Grant? I hate to be
the one to break it to you, bub...
In the real world, that doesn't work. Well, yes. It can. But it
shouldn't. More importantly, if you're reading this, it isn't likely to
work _for you_. You are more likely to come off sounding like some
Turkish rug dealer from a B movie from the forties, slimy, lewd, and
frankly somewhere farther down on the evolutionary scale than your
everyday common garden slug. How's that for a comparison?
There is a certain art to seduction involving complimenting a woman in
such a way that most women these days recognise all too well and want no
part of. It's often erroneously attributed to Mediterranean men, though
I've seen Germans, English, and Americans try it too. It takes a certain
knack, a certain arrogance, and in my opinion, a certain contempt for
women to try it. I don't think I'd _want_ the type of woman who would go
for it.
Now, I'm offbeat, often disconnected mentally, and awkward at the best
of times. While that sounds bad, it's also my charm, so we go with what
we have. And that, my friends, is the exact point I'm making. Women are
just as quirky, if not more so, then men. But what they prize is getting
to know your quirks. Honestly is immensely flattering. Telling someone
they look beautiful because you happen to think they do, rather than as
some pickup line, does amazing things for your standing in their eyes.
Being who you are, and trusting them enough _to be who you are_ is just
as flattering.
This doesn't mean you have to sit around grouching about the last
sporting match you happen to see and scratching itchy parts of your
anatomy. That's not honest either. What is needed is to show how you
honestly feel. If you are interested in them, what they have to say is
important - so show you're listening. Respond to what they have to say -
if they've any respect for you, they'll listen when you in return have
something to expand on, or take a position opposite to whatever they're
saying. Even if you agree, nodding to show that, or saying something to
that effect shows that you heard what they have to say, and that it
actually got processed by that grey goo called a brain that resides
between your ears.
Want to know something? Ask a question. Just make sure you listen to the
answer. Don't like something they're doing? Tell them - politely. Feel a
certain way? Tell them, but in a respectful fashion. You will be amazed
what credit it does for you to be able to sit down, without some massive
emotional hyperbole but with intense, deep sincerity and meaning, and
tell someone that you are interested in them as more than a friend and
wish to know how they feel about you. Don't declare your undying love,
don't wail about how you can't live without them - because, let's face
it... you can. Or else you're in that obsessive category we discussed
above, and therefore don't deserve them. What you are doing is letting
them know precisely where you stand - no hyperbole, no exaggeration, no
untruths. Provided you've picked a good one, they'll give you the same
back in spades.
4. Know when to back off.
Ever Star Wars? I'm sure you know the scene - the Rebels are attacking
the Death Star, and Gold Group is making its trench run in their spiffy
little Y-wings to hit that exhaust port, while Luke and the rest of the
X-wings are chopping their way through the TIE fighters above. Remember
the radio traffic for that scene? Let me paraphrase:
Gold Leader: I can't get a shot
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: I can't manoeuvre!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: You're too close!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Gold Leader: Loosen up!
Wingman: Stay on target...
Meanwhile, dear old Gold Leader is doing his best to imitate the nine
o'clock fireworks show at any Disney amusement theme park you can name.
Pull this stunt, and your intended love interest will likely blow up -
but you'll be the one to get incinerated.
This is probably the hardest part for most people. No one likes being
helpless, or waiting for someone else to make a decision. We all want to
just say that one thing more that will cause the clouds to part, the sun
to shine, and everything to be all right. Surely, there's just that one
phrase we're just about to find that will convince them that we are The
One, that everything will be All Right, and that they can indeed find
happiness and contentment in your arms...
Hate to tell you, but the road to hell - or the exhaust port on the
Death Star, depending on how much your life is wrapped up in LucasFilms
- is paved with exactly those sorts of good intentions. You can be doing
wonderfully to convince someone of the rightness of your cause, but
belabour the issue so much you end up annoying them to the point where
you put yourself right out of contention. More is not better. More is
just... more.
I'm not saying you should back off from everything. Anything but. If you
have an objection to something, make it - otherwise you're just a sap.
If you have a point to make - make it. But do not, under any
circumstances, just keep nattering on. That shows a disrespect for your
intended, as she will see it as you not believing you heard her, and
that you think she can be convinced simply by sounding like a broken
record player.
Take for instance one of those hypothetical situations when you've
broached the possibility of a relationship with her. She's interested,
but lists off a few reasons as to why now is not a good time - and why
it may never happen. Contrary to some people's beliefs, you are allowed
to register objections to these reasons. However, you have to do so in a
specific way. You can answer these points cogently - make your response
to the point. Make it reasoned, without whining, yelling, or other such
cheap emotional ploys, and actually address the points they bring up.
Make your point while fully accepting their reason as valid - do not
blow it off as specious. After all, they are convincing _to her_.
Telling her in not so many words that she can't reason her way out of a
paper bag is not a good start to a relationship! Finally, make your
points only once. There is likely never going to be a conversation where
she is listening more intently to you than in those moments - so make
them count.
Bringing it up again at another time does you no good. You are not, as
much as it would seem you are, trying to convince her at the time to
date you. It's unlikely to happen. The idea of dating someone is,
obviously, an emotional one, and emotions don't tend to change just by
snapping the fingers. She will need time to mull over what you have to
say, to mull over her feelings and how things have been changing between
you lately, and mull over what changes in her life this will bring. It
may take hours. If so, count yourself lucky. It may take days. It may
take weeks. Or months. Or even years - though by that point it's likely
moot. But it _will_ take time, and you need to be patient with it.
Pushing it will only label you as obsessive, or obnoxious, or as a
cretin. Or all three.
An addendum to this. Don't push your friends too much. Yes, talk to them
about the matter - but try to keep it to when you need to. Otherwise
they won't be nearly as willing to listen to you after several sessions
of playing the Boy who cried Wolf. Even if they are still willing to
listen, they won't be in a position to give you nearly as good advice,
much as a soldier who's been on watch for several hours is not nearly as
effective as one who's just taken up his post.
5. Enjoy it As it Comes (Or, Don't Write The Script)
I once had a girlfriend who would begin the most blazing arguments with
me over what seemed to be the oddest things. Say a special event in our
mutual lives had come up. I'd perhaps get her flowers, and then take her
to dinner. The night would seem fine, but she'd get more and more angry,
no matter how witty or charming I might be, no matter how good the food
was, or anything else I could do. Then, later, when it was much, much
too late, I'd find out what my sin was.
Simply put, I'd not followed the script.
In nearly all of these cases, my fault was not what I had done, or even
having forgotten to do something I'd promised to do. It was for having
not somehow read her mind and done what she had imagined the night would
be like, and I would do. I'd have gotten her roses, instead of Irises,
or picked the wrong restaurant, or not greeted her in the exact way she
liked. Every time, her Rudolph Valentino would muff his lines, and turn
out to simply be me, played in a special performance by me, and with
Warner Brothers absolutely refusing to negotiate a change of actors for
the current film.
This is a warning about expectations. Simply put, the more you have, the
more likely you are to be disappointed in a big way. Having reasonable
ones is fine - being surprised at being treated politely by another
human being is standard, and showing such surprise makes people wonder
about your home life. But making expectations about how someone will
react to your romantic advances is a great way to get yourself in
trouble.
Expecting the girl to swoon at your feet the instant you even hint at
liking her is ludicrous. If they do, I'd check your wallet. Moreover,
expecting such a reaction will set you up for one large emotional fall.
Building up this amazingly rosy picture in your mind is like creating
any complex piece of art - getting it shattered hurts like hell. The
point of expressing your interest in a relationship is to demonstrate
your willingness to invest in them as a person. If you've invested in
some fanciful creation of your mind, you are missing the point.
Thinking too optimistically in that way is bad - it can even make you
arrogant. But don't write the script as a failure, either. That creation
can affect how you go into the conversation - so if you think she's just
going to turn you down, she likely will if you let yourself act like
it's a foregone conclusion. Part of showing that interest and having
that conversation is that you are confident enough in yourself as a
partner that it is actually a decision that she needs to make, as
opposed to being an obligation on her time by asking her a question that
you yourself have already decided is a 'no'.
In short, don't freight the possibilities with too much emotion.
Consider it a mystery in life that you wish, out of sincere curiosity,
to have answered. I am interested, therefore I want to know if you are
interested. Don't turn it into an arrogant request for a rubber-stamping
of your decision that you two are in a relationship, and don't turn it
into her having to console you for being inadequate as a human being.
Make it straightforward, make it respectful, make it from one equal to
another. After all, we are talking about romantic relationships, which
should be about two equals dealing with one another. If you had
something else in mind, you're reading the wrong piece of work.
The key to this whole wonderful world is enjoying what comes of it. If
you are trying for a true relationship with this person, you should be
enjoying her company as a friend as much as you would enjoy her company
as a partner. So enjoy it! Take the time of getting to know her as a
person and as a friend and make the most of it, enjoying it all the
while. If you can't enjoy her company in a situation where you're not in
the midst of full-blown loving, you have serious problems that have to
be worked out, fast. If you can't let go of control enough to account
for anything that comes up... then you shouldn't be asking to share your
life and control thereof with someone else - anyone else.
6. Allow for the Sequel
... and don't do it in order to make another 100 million dollars at the
box office. I don't care how much you enjoyed the wire work in _The
Matrix_, the horror films of the eighties and the umpteen 'Rocky' movies
should have convinced everyone that sequels merely for form's sake or
for another buck are just wrong. Mel Brooks was spot-on with his line in
_Spaceballs_: "And hopefully we'll meet again in _Spaceballs 2: The
Search For More Money_."
No matter how dire the film industry is in rehashing good movies into
dog food and tossing them back into the cinema-viewer's trough, there is
a glimmering of a good idea in this. Simply put, when you ask your
interest if she is interested in a relationship, you need to make sure
that there is actually able to be the follow-on period after the
question.
Let me put it another way: you do not live in an sit-com where the
screen will fade to black with a laugh track going when you find your
way to inform her that you want a relationship. You'll still be there,
right in the middle of thing, as will she. No 'cut!', no pause button -
and no rewind and no edit. However much you may be cringing inside and
desperately wishing to rewind your life just a few precious seconds.
This is the part where you consider the short-term, medium-term, and
long-term consequences. Love is great, as is the thought of it - but
have you actually thought, or are you caught up in that rosy glow that
usually involves fanciful creatures such as pink elephants running by at
the edge of your peripheral vision? Much as I enjoy Fantasia - the old
version - I wouldn't want to live in the movie. If you haven't stopped
to consider things rationally, it's time to start.
First, the short term. Are you asking her in a way that's not going to
leave one or the other of you so embarrassed or angry that a 'yes' is
not a possibility? However nice the emotion is, sending it over via a
stripper is not likely to win you any points. Nor is taking more time
than the current session of Parliament to get your speech out - Jimmy
Stewart didn't look so hot by the end of 'Mr. Smith Goes To Washington',
and there's good reason why. Each person is different, so you have to
make the pitch appropriate to the person who it is aimed at. Some people
find gallantry wonderful, while others wretch and look for the gong to
bang to get you pulled offstage. It's the same for any sort of approach.
Similarly, pay attention to where and when you do it. The situation is
just as important as the general state of your current friendship with
the person. Asking a gal on a date while the other guy is on his knee
proposing to her is usually considered bad. In all honesty, though,
think about it - if you've been fighting all day over something or
other, it's not usually a good time. In general, if it will merely add
stress to the person's life rather than being something positive, don't
bring it up. There are better times, and you are needed more as a friend
than as someone trying to change the current situation - which requires
them to be strong.
Know when to end the conversation. This has been covered earlier, but is
important to know. If she says yes, well, no worries. But if you get a
qualified statement or a no, you need to make it possible for a graceful
exit with no one being hurt. Don't just stammer something out and
high-tail it out - that's rude. Be adult about it, let conversation go
elsewhere or just drop if that's where it happens. Say goodbye when you
go - show that you have no hard feelings. This is immensely important.
Just because they can't always take you up on your offer doesn't mean
they are personally insulting you. It just means they aren't taking you
up on your offer. _Nothing more_.
Now the medium-term. This is the next few weeks or even months. Again, a
'yes' is easy to deal with - you have the relationship and go on with
life. If it's qualified, you have to figure out that balance.
Do you wish to continue showing interest? Know before you ask the
question about the relationship. If you get that qualified 'no', with
reasons given for not taking you up despite your both being interested
in each other, you need to know where you stand. If you wish to continue
showing interest, make sure that she knows you will do so, and make sure
that this is acceptable to her. Doing so puts all your cards on the
table and makes it so that there are no misunderstandings whatsoever. It
is not asking her to change her mind - it is merely a request on your
part to continue courting her in a gentlemanly, relaxed manner, giving
her the option to bring back up the possibility of romance if she wishes
it.
If this is welcome, consider carefully how to do it without stressing
them by being too close, how to keep showing your interest by not
dropping away entirely, and how you can relate to each other while
waiting in limbo. Do _not_ bring up again the question of relationship.
The fact you're still flirting and talking with her and showing that
interest that you were just before asking is enough to show the question
is still there. But it's in her court. Don't bring it up for a couple of
months, at least - otherwise you're a pest.
Be very careful here. It is all too easy to read into everything after
this point and truly screw up your friendship, let alone anything
deeper. It is utter hell - trust me, I know. But it can be worth it.
Eventually, you will either lose interest, they will tell you to stop -
in short, move things to a 'no' - or they will take you up on your
initial request for more than friendship. But it's in their court.
If they do say no, you need to know how to conduct yourself around her
in the future. If you are good friends, very little should actually
happen, unless you made it so awkward in asking that she'll always feel
the awkwardness. After all, a good friend doesn't like causing their
friends pain - and if you make it difficult, she'll feel the fact she's
causing you pain, thus causing the awkwardness. Know where you stand -
whether you can continue being friends, or whether you need to escape
for a bit before taking the friendship back up again. Whatever you do,
don't make it so that there's bad feeling. That's just handling life
badly.
In the long-term, everything is a different ball-game. Your intent for
this should be to make anything possible, really. If you get a 'yes', I
sincerely hope you're still operating under the mandate of that answer
for a very long time. If you get that 'no' - things can change over
time. But wait a long time, so that things can change. You would be
amazed what six months can do, or even longer. Just make sure that it is
a long time - your feelings need to change too, or at least move with
time and not simply remain frozen in that previous moment. As for the
qualified 'no', make it so that should at some point she changes her
mind, she can come to you, or so that she'll be good friends with you
and cheer you on when you find someone else. Should you still be
interested in her later on, and you've been courting away for a long
while without her telling you to quit... says something, doesn't it?
You'll have figured out if you're getting strung along by a certain
point. Just be sure to be able to acknowledge when things aren't going
to change.
In Conclusion...
Dating is hell. I have never undergone anything that can make my heart
pound as wildly, my lungs seize up so dramatically, or my brain fry in a
pan as much as trying to get that girl right there - no, the one just to
the right there - to agree to go have a coffee with me. I have made
nearly every error possible for a guy to make while still staying with
legally and morally safe grounds in trying to get that question across,
and I'm still here, and still trying. I've even succeeded a time or two.
The final point: don't give up hope. I've done so numerous times, and
have been proven so, so very wrong. You may have found 'the one' - and
may do so repeatedly. I have, much to my own amusement. My experience
has taught me that there is a different 'one' for nearly every time in
our lives, and that it is a rare (but wonderful) thing for one person to
be that for all those times. Do not despair! There will be more chances,
more opportunities, more people in your life - and finding all that out
and learning from the experience of doing so is some of the best
entertainment out there, not to mention good for getting your heart rate
up for long periods of time. Give humanity a chance - you'll be
surprised at the results"
"THE SEXIST "RULES" for guys:
1. Be a "creature unlike any other." However, in particular think in
terms of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark
monster that conquers her. Beauty and the Beast. Chicks love that shit.
2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.) She only wants
to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway. So take her dancing.
They go nuts for this. Learn enough to get by and look cool, though you
won't need it much after you have her hooked. In the meantime you can
flirt with the other girls on the dance floor.
3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind. Buy her a
nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in exchange for the meal.
In addition, if you buy her a fancy schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy
place, she won't be able to turn down your request for a $300 "loan"
until you can "get to the cash machine." Good investment.
4. Don't call her after sex. Make her wait a few days. Girls do this
stare at the phone thing, makes them all anticipatory. Don't give them
what they want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again.
Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she hasn't had
an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired, and you have
important work to do tomorrow.
5. Always end phone calls first. Especially if she's read the Girl's
Rules that tell her to do this, you won't have to worry about long phone
calls. I mean girls can yak so long on the phone.
6. Don't give her any warning about a date. Make sure she stays free all
the time in case you call. And more to the point, keep yourself free in
case something comes up elsewhere, if you know what I mean. If you call
and she's not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end
the relationship if she does this a lot.
7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.) You like long walks on the
beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking to settle down in
a country home with that one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick
movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're
rich, famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones
eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first and have her
captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk to her about "the
relationship" -- girls go for this. Just be sure not to believe it
yourself.
8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.
Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with
gentle physical contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get
laid on the first date, but some of the hottest ones like to wait a
date. However, if she doesn't at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3
at the latest, there are better investments out there. On date #3,
remind her of the "third date rule."
9. Tell her you love her. This is the big corollary of rule #7. Don't do
it right away but definitely do it if she's showing reluctance on that
blowjob. Practice saying it like you mean it. As the old saying goes,
"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that you've got it made."
10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date. Definitely
don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something.
Make sure that you never let yourself get tied down.
11. Tell her what to do. Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated.
So make all the decisions and see how she goes for it. If so, you can
probably get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is perfect, but
most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you have
to fit your needs.
12. Be the bad boy. Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can
"reform" him, or they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can
be as bad as you like. Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious.
Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle jacket, even if you drive
a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere else and walk to where you meet
her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get laid.
13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you. Girls like to get
close to their guy, and "communicate." But later, if you break up, she
might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let her know
anything she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff
you can tell her in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your
own, buy one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't
believe it's not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those
guys. (God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon
over him? Something strange going on here.)
14. Don't tell her you're married! For some reason they get really
upset. When you take off your ring, get some tanning lotion or put your
hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible where you took it
off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some
sort of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even the
ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date married guys
so don't let her (or your wife) know.
15. Be a pain to live with. Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to
do as a reminder to be yourself. If you shack up, don't alter your own
life just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is admittedly
a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat down after you take a
wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's found god's gift to girls,
and she'll give you better sex than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds
of your time each day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob. No brainer!
16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'. For some
reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk to
them. And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we
have a choice! Anyway, they're watching for this so don't get caught.
Check their eyes, then do your looking.
17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment. Or give her a
key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie.
Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before
you are sure of this.
18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around. I
mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun.
19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.
20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her
a fake ring. Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married
to her, but don't actually do it. You can even get engaged if you want
to lock in some regular pussy. There's no law that says you actually
have to follow through with the ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to
tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an
expert she clearly doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can
get one of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a fuck
worth far more than that out of it.
21. Double check the birth control. There's a trade off here. On one
hand you don't want to use condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP. On the
other hand if she runs the birth control she might blindside you with
something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she gets
pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys. (It alters your
blood type.)
22. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls. Like I need to explain
this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought not.
22a. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with your therapist. Because if
you have a therapist you've really missed the point of The Rules for
Guys.
23. Figure out her romantic dream. Almost all girls have one. In 90% of
cases it's the knight in shining armour, the handsome prince or the
tall, dark and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin Romances isn't
exactly going broke selling girls books about how a guy comes into the
girl's life and does something as simple as fixing her car to make her
life right and sweeps her off her feet. You would be amazed at the
"mileage" you can get just by taking her car down to the shop. Though if
you can find a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway, subtly find out
her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it. On the cheap, of
course -- you only have to play-act. While she may dream of a
billionaire who whisks her away to his ranch in his jet, she'll settle
for a $60 rental limo and a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride.
24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules. Hey, Burger King said it best.
And it's a great place for a cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent"
you.) But in this case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.
25. Do The Rules girls. Yes, you can! If you suspect that some really
attractive girl is following The Rules for girls, take heart. I mean if
she's a dog, lose her. But if she's got a great set or you have some
other reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game and
can use it to get her. The book tells these girls to follow its rules
religiously, even when they don't make sense. You will have to wait 6
dates, but the authors do tell girls over 30 it's OK to have sex, so
they will. Forget young "The Rules" girls unless you are really keen on
virgin-plucking. You only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date
them Friday then you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls
and dates; they won't call you when you have other girls over -- a lot
of advantages, and as long as you see past all the manipulative
"hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid. First, you have to
check if she's a The Rules girl or just a stuck-up bitch. Sometimes it
can be hard to differentiate them. Test this by first telling her how
much you admire a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her
Thursday telling her you just got front-row Orchestra seats to the
Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert on Friday. If she says
yes, she's the stuck-up bitch. Say, "Did I say Boston Pops? I meant Iggy
Pop!" and dump her.
If she says a reluctant no, she's a The Rules girl. The book tells them
never to accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush out to the
bookstore to get a copy of The Rules. You'll find it in the
dating/relationships section. Since there is zero chance you've ever
gone near that section before, ask at the cashier's desk. When you get
to it you'll know why you've never been to this section before from the
titles of the books. Venus and Mars Together Forever. Men who hate women
and the women who love them too much. Like Dave Barry says I am not
making this up. You're the only guy in weeks to go to this section other
than to laugh at the titles, so if you're lucky some chick might even
hit on you. But if not, go buy the book, and then read it. It's short.
Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will be 6 weeks
until you get laid. Be sure you have something else on the side during
those six weeks. But look at the advantages. Other than those noted
above, you'll learn that she won't bring up crap like "marriage" or
"kids" or "the relationship." She expects you to bring these things up.
Soon the book will tell her to dump you. Track this, and make sure to
start dating another The Rules girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before
the breakup if you can time it right.
26. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid. Don't forget this. You
may be tempted to break them, to be "nice" or "sensitive" or even listen
to her. But everybody knows that nice guys don't get laid. You want to
be nice or in the sack? I thought so. "
"I just read that 47,000 women answered People Magazine's reader's poll
on the subject of what women want in men. They reported that the most
important attribute for a man to have is a sense of humor, according to
43%. 31% value sensitivity first. 19% say intelligence. 6% rank good
looks first, and just 2% say money is most important. Once the guy gets
her phone number, 47% of women expect him to call within 24 hours, and
47% will wait up to three days. Only about 5% are still willing to hear
from him after a week. “
I'm curious on your take, Doc. What do you think? Which is the truth and
which is the brainwashing? Gordon - who wants to know if women are
capable of communicating what they actually want.
Hi Gordon,
Brainwashing, yep, you can say that again. As usual, the politically
correct Feminista-dominated media have come up with a bunch of
half-truths when it comes to understanding women. Why? To confuse you
guys even more that you are.
Remember that trying to find out what women want by asking them is like
trying to get Gary Condit to tell you how he honestly feels about
marriage and commitment. You'll get an answer, but it won't have much to
do with reality.
I have interviewed thousands of women and not one ever said to me:
1. I want a man whom I can't control.
2. I want a man who, when I test him, does not give in.
3. I want a man who keeps me guessing.
But you will see many women in long term-committed relationships with
guys who have these traits. OK Gordon, now let's go over this list so I
can un-brainwash you and the rest of mankind.
Yes, most women do prefer a guy with a sense of humor. When a guy is
able to consistently make a woman laugh, it shows her that he is
confident and also fun to be with. And as we all know, girls just want
to have fun. But the idea that a sense of humor is the number one
attribute that women look for in a man is a bunch of malarkey.
In order for a woman to even give a hoot whether you have a sense of
humor she first has to find you physically attractive. If she's not
physically attracted to you, you can be more hilarious than Robin
Williams on speed and you still won't have a chance for romance with
her. The Reality Factor says that you have to pass (her) Physical
Attraction Test first in order to get to first base.
If a sense of humor were really the trait that women found most
important in men, then all the funny guys who look like Danny De Vito
would be as successful with women as all the handsome hunks.
It's fascinating to observe how reluctant women are to admit how
important looks are to them - as evidenced by these poll results. You
don't necessarily have be the hunk from heaven, but in order to click
with a particular chick, you need to have a look that she likes or you
ain't gonna get the love boat out of the dock no matter how hard you
paddle.
The poll results revealed that 31% of women say they value "sensitivity"
foremost. Now there's a loaded word if I ever heard one. What do they
mean by "sensitivity?" They don't explain it, do they?
What a woman usually means when she says she wants a "sensitive" guy, is
that she wants a guy who will share all of his emotional pain, will
dutifully listen to her complaints about everything and will happily
take orders from her. Of course this type of guy is always getting
rejected or he is kept around as a dartboard for all of her zingers. You
see, Gordon, more female propaganda.
So almost half of the women who responded to the poll expect a guy to
call within 24 hours? Yeah, they EXPECT a guy to call within 24 hours
because 90% of men can barely wait even that long before they call.
Unfortunately, thousands of guys are going to read those poll results
and will feel even more justified in jumping the gun as they always do.
And according to the poll, only 5% of women are willing to hear from a
guy after a week. FALSE! It would have been much more helpful and
revealing if the People pollsters had asked those women a question like:
Have you ever had a relationship with a guy who waited a week or longer
to call you? If so, why did you date him even though he waited that
long? Then we would have gotten some valuable information.
19% (1 in 5) want intelligence. Does this mean that 4 out of 5 women are
looking for stupid life long partners? And now guys, for the
biggest whopper of them all. According to the poll, only 2% (1 in 50) of
women are gold diggers. How does that jive with your experience? How
many women have asked you, "What do you do?" Remember; don't get
brainwashed by the poll-takers questions and women's answers."
"The money deal makes us guys crazy. If the guy pays, then the girl
should drive to see him, or sleep with him or absorb some other offset.
No matter what a guy says, under any circumstance, in any world, in any
place.. if the guy pays then he expects some kind of reciprocation from
the girl PERIOD. Now, He might not even consciouisly acknowledge this
but you better believe that millions of years of genetic programming is
not going to disappear in the few generations since womens liberation.
Oh Yes.. Womens Lib.. Wasn't that the thing where women wanted
everything equal from that point forward into history.. OH Right except
when it comes to getting guys to pay for things.. uh, huh... and also on
genetic programming, scientists have proven with absolute certainty that
it exist. It has al;so been proven without a doubt that men were
programmed to hunt the dinosaurs and jump all the women and the women
were programmed to hang out in the cave and wait for the guys, so women
have actually evolved more than guys and guys would have to acknowledge
this. But, It is unfair for women to say that guys only want to have sex
and not acknowledge that they have no control over their biochemical
drives. Women need to be more understanding of all of guys built-in
problems. We can't help it, we can only try to control it."
"Respect a women with your entire heart and you will win hers
everytime."
"The women on one major dating site have this huge question sheet they
send to all of the guys. I got one and I fixed it up so it works for
everybody. Here, use it. If you get all the answers off of somebody you
can pretty much mary them, sign them up as roommates or whatever, on the
spot:
Are you looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, lover or husband/wife? What
is your ethnicity? What kind of education did you have? What are your
hobbies: and interests? Are you afraid to get close? Are you ambitious?
Are you emotionally available? List three things that really push your
buttons? Name a place you would like to go? Are you an "indoors" person?
Are you an artist? What is the most positive, and negative, relationship
experience you have had? Are you and "outdoors" person? How many friends
do you have in your social circle? Are you creative? In what ways? Are
you Gay? Bi? Straight? Are you romantic? Are you shy about your body?
Are you sleeping with anyone now? Are you thinking about moving in the
next few years? Are you willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement for
work purposes? Can you go play during the day? At night? Midweek?
Weekends? Can you have a monogamous relationship today? How often do you
change your sheets and towels? Describe your childhood? Describe your
sense of humor? Describe your work? Do you believe in the supernatural?
Do you wash you hands before eating? Do you brush your teeth after
eating? Do you believe that one person can have a productive impact on
world change? Do you drink alcohol? Do you enjoy your work? Do you go
out to eat a lot? Do you have a pet? What kind? Do you have call
waiting? If someone calls do you get rid of the person you were talking
to? Do you have children? Do they live with you? Ages? Do you have
insomnia? Do you like to be held while sleeping? Is your monthly cycle
likely to interact with a date or trip we have planned? Do you have sex
during that time of the month? Do you like to cook or bake? Do you live
in a house, condo, apartment, etc? Do you like soft touch? Do you own a
car? What kind? Do you own a computer? How does stress affect your
lovemaking ability? Do you own a FAX and what is the number? Do you
practice any particular diets or eating habits? Do you sleep-in on
Sundays? Do you Smoke?, If so will you quit? Do you snore? Do you take a
shower at night or in the morning on a regular basis? Would you switch
from morning to night or vice versa? Do you understand and distinguish
between the five states of intimacy (IE: Being sensual, being erotic,
having sex, making love, F**ng)? Do you want a relationship? Do you wear
pajamas?
Do you wiggle or kick in your sleep? Favorite food? Have you ever been
to an analyst, psychiatrist or psychologist? Why? Have you ever made
love outside? Have you ever slept with someone on the first date? Have
you had a recent STD test since you were with someone? Are you willing
to provide a doctors certificate of HIV/AIDS testing from the last 30
days if your partner also does? Have you recently broken up with
someone? How do you feel if you have to go to work earlier than your
mate and they get to stay in bed and sleep longer? How do you feel right
now? How do you prefer the weather? How does answering these questions
make you feel? How does fast make you feel? How long has it been since
your last significant relationship? How long have you lived where you
live? How many dates have you ever had? How many different people have
you ever been with sexually? How many parties do you go to in an average
month? How much do you earn per year? How much time do you spend on the
phone each day? How should who-pays-for-what be allocated when going
out? How would you describe your personality? Is religion a part of your
life? Is spirituality a part of your life? What 3 magazines do you read
most? What are the medical tests and requirements for you to safely have
barrier-free sex? What are you allergic to? What are your erotic
"kinks"? What are your expenses per year? What are your favorite clothes
to relax in? What are your favorite TV shows? What are your feelings
about having children? What are your feelings about marriage? What do
you think of you and me in a relationship, so far as you can tell, all
other things being equal, based on projection? What do your friends say
is your worst habit? What is the longest you have worked at one job?
What is you favorite place ion the whole world? What is your astrology
sign? What is your favorite body of water? Use an adjective to describe
how thinking about it makes you feel? What is your favorite season? What
is your favorite surface or texture? What is your idea of a great
weekend escape? What is your political viewpoint? What is your bodytype?
What are your sexual needs relative to specific actions or techniques?
If your mate was sick or stressed, how long go you put up with them
being like that before looking elsewhere? Can you handle intensity? What
kind of birth control do you use? What kind of intimacy have you been
used to on a first date? What kind of music do you like? What percent of
your ex-mates do you still talk to? What style of clothes do you wear?
What time do you generally get up? What time do you generally go to bed?
What time do you usually go out at night? How late do you usually stay
out? What was the reason you were terminated from all of the jobs that
terminated you? Who are your heroes? What are you the most frustrated
about in your life? Would you understand if your mate couldn't sleep if
they held you all night? Your drinking habits? Your position on
recreational drugs? Do you smoke at all? What is your position on who
should pay for what? What is your position on how much money you should
be provided with by your boyfriend of husband each day, week or month?"
" Most of the gals will cancel a few hours before the day or the same
day as the date. They get so many offers that they will take the best
one for that day or they will get cold feet at meeting a real person and
bail. Plan on a large percentage of last minute cancellations and plan a
back-up plan"
DEFINITIONS: PARTY: 1. (verb, transitive) To engage in markedly
heterosexual activities (e.g.,
"She's dressed like she wants to party.") 2. (adj.) Exemplifying a
proclivity for
heterosexual activity (e.g., "I hear she's a party girl.") 3.
(noun) A social gathering.
DATE: Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): dat\B7ed; dat\B7ing
Date: 15th century
transitive senses
1 : to determine the date of <date an antique>
2 : to record the date of : mark with the date
3 a : to mark with characteristics typical of a particular period b : to
show up plainly the age of
4 : to make or have a date with
intransitive senses
5 : to reckon chronologically
6 : ORIGINATE <a friendship dating from college days>
7 : to become dated
8 : to go out on usually romantic dates
9 : to go to a public event with another human
10: To engage in an activity which is planned and which one person or
the other pays for
11: To ask and receive acceptance by another single individual with whom
you do not have an ongoing significant relationship, to engage in an
entertainment event for the purpose of engaging in sexual activities
after a series of interpersonal rituals within the date or event.
12: To engage in rituals designed to produce sexual activities with a
person whom you recently met
13: To engage in a review process to determine of you and another
individual wish to marry or become boyfriend and girlfriend
14: To arrange to go out for a fun activity with friends of any gender
or intention
15: Any activity where both parties think there is a chance that sex
will happen
RESOURCES: At last count, if you go to http://www.amazon.com, and enter
the word "dating", in the Search window, for Books, you will find over
351 books on dating;Your friends; Newsgroups, ie. alt.rec.dating; "NOT"
advice columnists;Workshops in the alternative newspapers in your city;
Classes in things you are interested in. The number one dating class in
2000: Yoga, followed by Photography, followed by Cooking;Best place to
meet people: Your Cities largest grocery stores in the best
neighborhoods between 4:30PM and 7PM (The San Francisco Marina Safeway
being the founder of this tradition). Art gallery openings. Supply
stores, ie: Sports, Cooking, Photo, pets, etc; Clubs. Community service
groups. Political groups.
Safe Sex Dating Safety And Crucial Medical Info For All Singles
Boys and girls have sex. We all know that. But do we all know how to
have it safely.
Get Tested:
Buy one of these HIV home test kits at: http://www.homeaccess.com/02/02/
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- Trichomoniasis
- HPV
- Mycoplasma
- Ureaplasma
YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING UNLESS YOU HAVE HAD THESE TESTS!
Condoms are made of latex or similar materials, and have thousands of
natural, microscopic, holes in them. That is the nature of latex. HIV is
much smaller than the holes so condoms only decrease the odds, THEY DO
NOT PREVENT HIV/AIDS 100%! Get tested.
Testing isn't a quick turn-around, it can take 1 week to 3 weeks to get
reasonable results back. If you like somebody, plan ahead, get tested
now.
Use soap and water before and right after sex. Yes, soap really kills
alot of bad things.
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Mycoplasma
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In Contempt of Courtship
By Elizabeth Austin, Washington Monthly
Monica Lewinsky has a new job: doling out her sage dating advice as host
of a new Fox TV "reality" show, "Mr. Personality." In the show, a
babelicious young stockbroker named Hayley is asked to choose a lover
from a group of 20 masked suitors. The masks, we're told, are used to
conceal the men's looks and force Hayley to base her decision on
personality alone - a concept that assumes a lady never glances below
her date's chin. Unlike Ms. Lewinsky (described in the show's
promotional materials only as a psych major-turned-handbag designer who
"currently lives in New York City and is considering a future career in
law") Fox execs limited their pool of eligible suitors to unmarried men
who do not live on Pennsylvania Avenue.
As host, Ms. Lewinsky functions as Hayley's on-site girlfriend, giggling
with her at hidden-camera footage that shows the suitors misbehaving at
a party and helping her to make the undoubtedly difficult decision to
dump the guy who slipped off into a bathroom to share a few intimate
moments with a hula dancer. The show has spawned plenty of off-camera
controversy - the spurned suitor later claimed that the sound of a
zipper opening, heard through the bathroom door, was a sound-effect
added in post-production - but primetime audiences' enthusiastic
reaction to it has skipped over one huge question: What does it say
about our society that we now consider Monica Lewinsky qualified to help
anyone find her soulmate?
Lewinsky's show is only the latest in a whole slew of dating-based
"reality" TV shows, which include "The Bachelor," "Meet My Folks,"
"Married by America," "Blind Date," "The Fifth Wheel," "Elimidate," "A
Dating Story," "Dismissed," "Rendez-View," "Change of Heart,"
"Shipmates," "Temptation Island," "Looking for Love," and "EX-treme
Dating." In my personal favorite, "Joe Millionaire," 20 women were
whisked to a romantic French chateau to compete for a man's affections.
The women were told the young man had recently inherited $50 million and
was "looking for a special someone to share his newfound wealth." I
spent the show's entire seven-episode run wondering where Fox managed to
find 20 grown women gullible enough to believe that a tall,
underwear-model-handsome guy with $50 million might need professional
help in finding a date. But the success of these shows - 40 million
viewers tuned in to watch Joe Millionaire choose his guileless mate -
shows how much we love to watch other people date, especially when
there's a better-than-decent chance of witnessing an emotional
trainwreck. Why do so many eligible singles prefer to sit at home
watching other people go out to dinner, walk hand-in-hand, and smooch in
bubbling hot tubs than to actually go out on dates? When did we start to
consider dating a synonym for hell?
It's almost impossible to find a positive depiction of contemporary
dating anywhere. Television sitcoms from "Friends" to "Frasier" delight
in the antics of lovelorn singles - not because they're more glamorous
than their married counterparts, but because the vicissitudes of modern
dating lend themselves to easy laughs. In novels, we see Bridget Jones
as the modern-day counterpart of Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennet - only
somehow the centuries have robbed our heroine of her ability to bring
Mr. Darcy to his knees.
Wasn't the sexual revolution supposed to make courtship more fun? Yet
everywhere we look, we see single people bemoaning the loneliness, the
despair, the just plain drudgery of dating. Dorothy L. Sayers once said,
"The only sin passion can commit is to be joyless." But how much joy is
there in courtship these days? Dating, it seems, has become a necessary
chore, rather like scrubbing down the storm windows.
The Rules of Court
Something has gone drastically awry in the process of meeting and
mating. I recently played confidant to a friend who has valiantly
decided to re-enter the courtship arena. From her description, it
sounded like she was applying for a new job - reading the want ads,
circling anything that sounded halfway promising, sending in her
r\E9sum\E9 via e-mail, and then trudging out on a series of high-stress
interviews. (The only difference was, most employers usually don't
advertise until the post is actually vacant, whereas at least one of her
hot prospects hadn't quite gotten around to telling his wife that the
family organization was planning to downsize.) To hone their "interview"
skills, desperate affluent singles are driven to hire dating consultants
to tell them how to do it right. One New York consultant bragged to Fox
News that she charges her female clients $350 for a half-hour
consultation to assess the dateworthiness of their hair, makeup, and
wardrobe, while men pay $15,000 upfront for introductions to a dozen
eligible pre-screened women. That fee also includes a virtual date with
the consultant, who then scrutinizes the poor insecure fellow's manners
and conversational skills.
For those who can't afford individual instruction, there are guidebooks
like "The Rules," billed as "time-tested secrets for capturing the heart
of Mr. Right." The authors promise their husband-hunting readers that
faithful adherence to a few basic rules, such as "Never Call Him, Always
Let Him Call You" and "Don't Talk Too Much" will help them land the
spouse of their dreams. (From the vision of dainty femininity sketched
out in "The Rules," one reaches the inescapable conclusion that all the
eligible bachelors out there have posters of Donna Reed plastered above
their beds.) The bad news, of course, is that once a girl has adopted
the primly determined Rules persona to capture him, she has to keep up
the hard work in order to keep him. Hence, "The Rules for Marriage," the
follow-up to the runaway bestseller. Hewing firmly to "The Rules" over
the course of four or five decades is a daunting prospect, as the recent
divorce of one of the co-authors confirms.
Dueling Rulebooks
Perhaps the continuing popularity of "The Rules" - in spite of its
co-author's marital track record, they're still charging $3.99 a minute
for dating consultations - is a sign that singles today are desperate
for some set of principles to follow. Unlike the well-established
courtship rituals of the 1950s, what we have today is a motley set of
individual expectations, most of them patently mystifying to everyone
but ourselves. Courtship has become an unending pick-up game of
playground ball, with each player operating according to his or her own
individual rulebook. A woman may make a seductive gesture fraught with
symbolic meaning - only to find that, to her partner, it's a request for
a time-out.
Take, for example, this star-crossed couple who poured out their story
of dueling social semiotics to a women's magazine a few years ago. Both
sides agree that he invited her out on a dinner date, and that they had
a wonderful time until the bill was presented. "When the dinner check
came, I took it," explained 32-year-old Charlie. "But Susie reached for
her wallet. 'Can I help pay?' she asked. My heart sank. I was sure she
didn't like me. I figure if a woman wants to split the check, she's
telling you that she wants to be friends. After that, the evening ended
kind of awkwardly. I didn't know if I should kiss her or anything, so I
kind of hastily said good-night."
Susie, 28, told the reporter that she saw the encounter very
differently. "I offered to split the check because I didn't want him to
feel obliged to pay for me. I figure if he had really liked me, in a
girlfriend/boyfriend way, he wouldn't have taken my money - not on the
first date, anyway. And I guess I was right: he didn't try to kiss me or
say anything about another date."
It's revealing that teenagers no longer "date" in the traditional sense.
Instead, they move in intersecting herds, and actual dating is reserved
for those who are already official couples. Formal events, such as
homecoming and prom, are arranged with the help of intermediaries: The
parties involved set up embassies in the lunch room, and send out
ambassadors to arrange the necessary treaties. When one young swain
recently called and directly invited a 16-year-old girl to Homecoming,
her parents gave the courageous young man two thumbs up. But the girl
herself was put off. "It seems so forward, just calling and asking
someone out like that," she explained after declining his suit. Her
parents are now resigned to a life without grandchildren.
The Lost Art of Flirting
At the risk of being stripped of my right to wear Birkenstocks, I have
to admit that the courtship rituals of the 1950s make me feel a little
wistful. The gender roles may have been constricting and the shoes were
impossibly tight across the toes, but it's impossible to deny the
now-guilty pleasures of sweetheart bouquets, dinner dates, and
nightclubs where heterosexual men danced voluntarily. (And I'm far from
alone in my nostalgia, as proven by the release of a recent
retro-romance movie, "Down With Love," starring Hollywood A-listers
Ren\E9e Zellweger and Ewan McGregor.) I can't help envying the "smart
and sophisticated woman" described by Helen Gurley Brown - author of the
once-scandalous "Sex and the Single Girl" - who responded to men's
advances with this polished reply: "You're really lovely, but do you
honestly suppose I can sleep with every man who asks me? The answer for
now is no." Brown claimed that one importunate suitor finally gave his
iron-knickered lady a silver charm engraved with the words, "We'll see."
I can just hear the anguished screams of "That's just game-playing!" And
that's exactly correct. Both parties were playing a game - defined in my
dictionary as "a way of amusing oneself; a pastime; diversion." The game
was called "flirting," and it's what people used to do while they were
trying to decide whether they might be able to stand each other's
company over the hyperextended road trip that is married life. It's
funny: The men who most oppose the idea of "playing games" in courtship
are the same ones who can spend endless hours debating the merits of the
designated hitter rule. In all forms of human behavior, there are rules.
(For instance, we now shake hands upon introduction instead of sniffing
each other's sweat glands.) The trouble is, the rules governing
courtship today are vexing and often destructive, reducing the stuff of
poetry to something akin to emotional dodgeball.
One Rule To Ring Them All
Why is dating today so stressful? The answer is simple: Sex.
I know. That sounds perilously like those counter-feminist conservatives
who rail at modern woman for coldheartedly indulging her lustful desires
instead of saving her precious flower for the lucky man who will someday
lift her bridal veil. But my argument is based not on morality but on
sheer utility: The way it's being done lately, courtship isn't any fun.
That's because there is currently only one broadly accepted rule of
courtship: The Third Date is The Date (unless, of course, you're a
glued-together-at-the-knees Rules girl.) If either party declines sex on
the Third Date, it's a clear sign that the relationship is going
nowhere. And if the Third Date culminates in sex, they're officially a
couple - or at least, the guy's a real loser if he doesn't ask the girl
out again afterwards. (Sex before the Third Date is a signal that a) you
believe in love at first sight; b) you're a promiscuous floozy; or c)
you think a, he thinks b.)
It's time for all of us to admit that this courtship model simply
doesn't work. If lightning doesn't strike by Date Three, you can end up
walking away from a perfectly lovely person who might just be a little
shy, or having a bad hair day. Or worse, by rushing headlong into a
"committed relationship" with someone you've met only a few times, you
can end up wasting weeks, months, sometimes even years of your life on
someone you don't really like very much, on the grounds that you're
already "invested" in the relationship.
The problem is, we can't bring ourselves to admit that we're going to
have to give up the prospect of instant sex - however rarely it actually
happens - for a longer period of pre-intercourse courtship. That's
understandable - and not just because we all like to think of ourselves
as the proud owners of constantly pulsating loins. Given how dreadful
dating has become, we hate to think of prolonging the agony as we wait
for the only foreseeable good part. (Though from what I hear from my
single girlfriends, the sex isn't all that hot, anyway.)
But if we could decide collectively that sex is worth waiting a bit
longer for, we'd find that courtship itself might become a lot less
stressful and a lot more fun. Right now, those first couple of dates are
incredibly intense; we give ourselves only six or eight hours of
conversation before deciding whether we want to commit to a monogamous
sexual relationship. If we had, oh, six or eight - maybe even 10 - dates
to make up our minds, we could focus more on the actual date and less on
its sequel. By investing a few extra hours in the process, we might draw
out of a shy person an unexpected vein of sardonic wit or a deep well of
political insight. With luck, we'd screen out some of those false
charmers who have learned to conceal their mean-spiritedness for a week
or two. And after the eighth, ninth, or 10th date? Well, let's just say
that some things are greatly improved by anticipation.
Heroic Couplets
I suppose I should make a confession here: I haven't done any dating for
a long, long time. I'm what Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding would
call a "Smug Married." And quite frankly, when I hear my single friends
bewailing their dating lives, I do feel a bit complacent. But when I
think about what courtship could, and should, be, I remember one night
when my husband and I went out to celebrate some double-digit wedding
anniversary.
We had hired a babysitter, gotten all dressed up, and treated ourselves
to dinner at some sleek new restaurant in the city. A comfortable,
compatible married couple, we were having a very nice time - joking,
relaxing, knocking back a little too much Chardonnay. Then we noticed
the man and woman sitting next to us. They were visibly trembling with
desire. (The waiter didn't bother to ask them if they wanted dessert.)
It was clear that this was no standard Third Date, to be promptly
followed by a tidy hour of pre-programmed abandon. There was none of the
awkwardness of fresh acquaintance, no conversational false starts or
miscues. It was obvious they were madly in love, and that they were
looking forward to a long-awaited, devoutly wished consummation. They
were co-adventurers, taking that first exhilarating leap over Niagara
Falls. And somehow, as we sat watching that couple from the smooth
safety of the shallow waters far downstream, we didn't feel smug at all.
To me, that's what courtship ought to be. And if it's not, we're doing
it wrong. (Elizabeth Austin is a Chicago writer)
“Should you get plastic surgery to improve your dating life? Check out
these before and after pictures to see how it often works out:
“Do you see a “type of person” in these photos? If not, then you might
not be in that “type”:
Bizarre, Funny And Unique Profiles:
“Frat House guys seem to all: cheat on their taxes, cheat on their
wives, and cheat on their girlfriends. If you marry one you will always
have to wonder when the IRS, SEC or FBI is going to show up and arrest
him for securities fraud and take your house away. They meet up together
at sports bars, mens clubs, stripper joints, golf clubs, etc. and
reinforce their mysoginist attitudes together about using women as
"sport' or 'baby ovens'. Their 'bromances' are thinly veiled man-love
that can tear a marriage apart. While they all do have perfectly
symmetrical faces, look like the contestants on The Bachlorette and have
rich daddies, 90% of their marriages in the Bay Area end in divorces
where the court filings use the word "abuse" quite a bit. You can look
it up on PACER, the online federal court database. (Check out the Andy
Rubin case.. woooeeeee!!) Their swaggering competition between each
other is based on using women as trophies to show off until they
'upgrade' to the younger model to impress their other Fratboy friends.
They are out every single night, usually sleeping with a different
dating site date (so you will get exotic germs from them)...”
"I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath
for ten minutes. To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's
strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel
pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens. No man can kill me,
I have beaten a man of every race in formal combat. A medical doctor and
two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have
wings. I own 127 rescue dogs. Men faint when I am near and women cry
from coveted desire. I once won a cactus eating contest and my Mother
was the mistress of Pope John Paul IV.."
““The only reason I want a boyfriend is so that when I’m singing
Fergalicious and it’s at the part where she says, ‘I be up in the gym
just workin on my fitness he’s my witness’ I can point to him and he’ll
do the little ‘wooOOH’ part because right now I have to do both parts by
myself and it’s stressful.”
“If I can’t bounce a quarter off your inner thigh, hit the gym, not the
‘send’ button.” “We cannot differ on anything. If we do, you’ll have to
change.” — dont_email_me, an OkCupid user in Texas...“Okay, here’s the
thing,” dont_email_me wrote in his self-summary, “I receive tens of
thousands of emails a day and I can’t possibly take the time to read all
of them. Or even some of them. All I know is, please don’t send me an
email if we aren’t at least 100% match and 0% enemies.”
Internet Safety and Security When Dating On The Web
Validation Note: University, Federal, Forensic Researcher and Journalism
sources provided in the links below, prove every assertion in this
report many times over. A simple web-search by any college-educated
person, on the top 5 search engines, can turn up hundreds of additional
credible, verifying sources. Expert jury trial and Congressional hearing
witnesses have proven these facts over and over.
You probably can't imagine the second-by-second dangers and harms that
modern electronics, like your phone and tablet, are causing to your
life, your income, your privacy, your beliefs, your human rights, your
bank account records, your political data, your job, your brand name,
your medical data, your dating life, your reputation and other crucial
parts of your life.
Any use of a dating site, Google or Facebook product, social media site,
movie site, or anything that you log in to, puts you at substantial
risk. Remember: "if it has a plug, it has a bug" . Every electronic
device can be easily made to spy on you in ways you cannot possibly
imagine.
The Take-Aways:
- Stalkers can find you by zooming in on your pupil reflection images in
your online photos (
https://www.kurzweilai.net/reflected-hidden-faces-in-photographs-revealed-in-pupil
)
- If you send email overseas or make phone calls overseas all of your
communications, and those with anybody else, are NSA monitored (
https://www.privacytools.io/ )
- Bad guys take a single online photo of you and put it in software that
instantly builds a dossier on you by finding where every other photo of
you is that has ever been posted online (
https://www.aclu.org/blog/privacy-technology/surveillance-technologies/apples-use-face-recognition-new-iphone
)
- Face-tracking software for stalking you on Match.com and OK Cupid is
more effective than even FBI software for hunting bank robbers (
https://www.cnet.com/news/clearview-app-lets-strangers-find-your-name-info-with-snap-of-a-photo-report-says/
)
- Any glass, metal or ceramic object near you can be reflecting your
voice or image to digital beam scanners that can relay your voice or
image anywhere in the world
- All your data from any hotel you stay at will eventually be hacked and
leaked ( Info of 10 MILLION MGM guests including Justin Bieber and
TWITTER CEO leaked online! )
- Your voting data will be used to spy on you and harm you (
Every voter in Israel just had their data leaked in 'grave' security
breach... )
- Lip-reading software can determine what you are saying from over a
mile away (
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/01/20/russian-police-use-spy-camera-film-opposition-activist-bedroom/
)
- Every Apple iPhone and other smart-phone has over 1000 ways to bug
you, listen to you, track you and record your daily activities even when
you think you have turned off the device. Never leave your battery in
your phone. ( LEAKED DOCS: Secretive Market For Your Web History...
)(Every Search. Every Click. On Every Site… )
- Elon Musk’s SpaceX StarLink satellites are spy satellites that send
your data to Google and other tech companies (
https://www.chieftain.com/news/20200118/first-drones-now-unexplained-lights-reported-in-horsetooth
)
- Google and Facebook have all of your medical records and they are part
of a political operation (
https://www.wsj.com/articles/hospitals-give-tech-giants-access-to-detailed-medical-records-11579516200
)
- Every dating site, comments section and social media site sends your
private data, covertly, to government, political campaigns and corporate
analysis groups and can also be hacked by anyone.
- Any hacker can hack ANY network with even a single Intel, Cisco,
Juniper Networks or AMD motherboard on it and nobody can stop them
unless they destroy the motherboard because the back-doors are built
into the hardware. Many of the companies you think are providing
security are secretly owned by the Chinese government spy agencies or
the CIA (
https://boingboing.net/2020/02/11/cia-secretly-owned-worlds-to.html
)
- Warehouses in Nigeria, Russia, Ukraine, Sao Paolo, China and hundreds
of other regions, house tens of thousands of hackers who work around the
clock to try to hack you and manipulate your data.
- Every red light camera, Walmart/Target/Big Box camera and every
restaurant camera goes off to networks that send your activities to
credit companies, collection companies, political parties and government
agencies ( 'Homeland Security' using location data from apps to
track millions of people...
- Match.com, OKCupid and Plenty of Fish are also DNC voter analysis
services that read your texts and keep your profiles forever
- If you don't put fake ages, addresses, phone numbers and disposable
email addresses on ANY form you fill out electronically, it will haunt
you forever (
https://www.the-sun.com/news/284784/pornstar-data-breach-massive-leak-bank-details/
)
- Every train, plane and cruise line records you constantly and checks
the covert pictures they take of you against global databases.
Corporations grab your collateral private data that those Princess
Cruises and United Airlines companies take and use them to build files
on you (
https://www.silive.com/news/2020/01/report-new-app-can-id-strangers-with-a-single-photo.html
)
- The people who say "nobody would be interested in me" are the most at
risk because their naiveté puts them at the top-of-the-list for
targeting and harvesting (
https://www.cnet.com/news/clearview-app-lets-strangers-find-your-name-info-with-snap-of-a-photo-report-says/
)
- Silicon Valley tech companies don't care about your rights, they care
about enough cash for their executives to buy hookers and private
islands with. Your worst enemy is the social media CEO. They have a
hundred thousand programmers trying to figure out more and more extreme
ways to use your data every day and nobody to stop them
- The government can see everyplace you went to in the last year (
https://www.protocol.com/government-buying-location-data )
There have been over 15,000 different types of hacks used against over 3
billion "average" consumers. EVERY one of them thought they were safes
and that nobody would hack them because "nobody cared about them".
History has proven every single one of them to have been totally wrong!
If you are smart, and you read the news, you will know that you should
ditch all of your electronic devices and "data-poison" any information
about you that touches a network by only putting fake info in all
conceivable forms and entries on the internet. You, though, may be smart
but lazy, like many, and not willing to step outside of the bubble of
complacency that corporate advertising has surrounded you with.
Did you know that almost every dating and erotic site sends your most
private life experiences and chat messages to Google's and Facebook's
investors?
https://www.businessinsider.com/facebook-google-quietly-tracking-porn-you-watch-2019-7
Do you really want all of those Silicon Valley oligarchs that have
been charged with sexual abuse and sex trafficking to know that much
about you?
Never, Ever, put your real information on Youtube, Netflix, Linkedin,
Google, Twitter, Comcast, Amazon and any similar online service because
it absolutely, positively will come back and harm you!
Always remember: Anybody that does not like you can open, read and take
any photo, data, email or text on EVERY phone, computer, network or
electronic device you have ever used no matter how "safe" you think your
personal or work system is! They can do this in less than a minute.
Also: Hundreds of thousands of hackers scan every device, around the
clock, even if they never heard of you, and will like your stuff just
for the fun of causing trouble. Never use an electronic device unless
you encrypt, hide and code your material! One of the most important
safety measures you can take is to review the security info at:
https://www.privacytools.io/
Those people who think: "I have nothing to worry about..I am not
important" ARE the people who get hacked the most. Don't let naivete be
your downfall. (
https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/07/when-will-we-get-full-truth-about-how-and-why-government-using-facial-recognition
)
All of your info on Target, Safeway, Walgreens has been hacked and read
by many outsiders. NASA, The CIA, The NSA, The White House and all of
the federal background check files have been hacked. The Department of
Energy has been hacked hundreds of times. All of the dating sites have
been hacked and their staff read all of your messages. Quest labs blood
test data and sexual information reports have been hacked and published
to the world. There is no database that can't be easily hacked. Every
computer system with Intel, AMD, Juniper Networks, Cisco and other
hardware in it can be hacked in seconds with the hardware back-doors
soldered onto their electronic boards. All of the credit reporting
bureaus have been hacked. Wells Fargo bank is constantly hacked. YOU ARE
NOT SAFE if you put information on a network. NO NETWORK is safe! No
Silicon Valley company can, or will, protect your data; mostly because
they make money FROM your data!
Every single modern cell phone and digital device can be EASILY taken
over by any hacker and made to spy on you, your family, your business
and your friends in thousands of different ways. Taking over the
microphone is only a small part of the ways a phone can be made to spy
on you. Your phone can record your location, you voice vibrations, your
mood, your thoughts, your sexual activity, your finances, your photos,
your contacts (who it then goes off and infects) and a huge number of
other things that you don't want recorded.
Privacy watchdog under pressure to recommend facial recognition ban...
Alarming Rise of Smart Camera Networks...
AMAZON's Ring Doorbell Secretly Shares Private User Data With
FACEBOOK...
The worst abusers of your privacy, personal information, politics and
psychological information intentions are: Google, Facebook, Linkedin,
Amazon, Netflix, Comcast, AT&T, Xfinity, Match.com & the other
IAC dating sites, Instagram, Uber, Wells Fargo, Twitter, Paypal, Hulu,
Walmart, Target, YouTube, PG&E, The DNC, Media Matters, Axciom, and
their subsidiaries. Never, ever, put accurate information about yourself
on their online form. Never, ever, sign in to their sites using your
real name, phone, address or anything that could be tracked back to you.
If you don't believe that every government hacks citizens in order to
destroy the reputation of anyone who makes a public statement against
the current party in power then read the public document at:
https://www.cia.gov/library/readingroom/docs/CIA-RDP89-01258R000100010002-4.pdf
That document shows you, according to the U.S. Congress, how far things
can go.
A program called ACXIX hunts down all of your records from your corner
pharmacy, your taxi rides, your concert tickets, your grocery purchases,
what time you use energy at your home, your doctor records...and all
kinds of little bits of info about you and puts that a file about you.
That file about you keeps growing for the rest of your life. That file
sucks in other files from other data harvesting sites like Facebook and
Google: FOREVER. The information in that file is used to try to control
your politics and ideology.
In recent science studies cell phones were proven to exceed radiation
safety limits by as high as 11 times the 2-decade old allowable U.S.
radiation limits when phones touch the body. This is one of thousands of
great reasons to always remove the battery from your cell phone when you
are not talking on it. A phone without a battery in it can't spy on you
and send your data to your enemies.
If you are reading this notice, the following data applies to you:
1. EVERY network is known to contain Intel, Cisco, Juniper Networks,
AMD, QualComm and other hardware which has been proven to contain
back-door hard-coded access to outside parties. This is a proven,
inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence, national
news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory records,
ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT
services, FBI.
2. Chinese, Russian FSB, Iranian and other state-sponsored hacking
services as well as 14 year old domestic boys are able to easily enter
your networks, emails and digital files because of this. They can enter
your network at any time, with less than 4 mouse clicks, using software
available to anyone. This is a proven, inarguable fact based on court
records, FISA data, IT evidence and inventory records, ie: Krebs On
Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
3. Your financial office is aware of these facts and has chosen not to
replace all of the at-risk equipment, nor sue the manufacturers who sold
your organization this at risk equipment. They believe that the hassle
and cost of replacement and litigation is more effort than the finance
department is willing to undertake. This is a proven, inarguable fact
based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence, national news
broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory records, ie:
Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT
services, FBI.
4. In addition to the existing tools that were on the internet, in
recent years, foreign hackers have released all of the key hacking
software that the CIA, DIA and NSA built to hack into any device. These
software tools have already been used hundreds of times. Now the entire
world has access to these tools which are freely and openly posted
across the web. This is a proven, inarguable fact based on court
records, FISA data, IT evidence, national news broadcasts, Congressional
presented evidence and inventory records, ie: Krebs On Security,
FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
5. The computers, servers, routers, cell phones, IP cameras, IP
microphones, Smart Meters, Tesla’s, “Smart Devices:”, etc. and other
devices openly broadcast their IP data and availability on the internet.
In other words, many of your device broadcast a “HERE I AM” signal that
can be pinged, scanned, spidered, swept or, otherwise, seen, like a
signal-in-the-dark from anywhere on Earth and from satellites overhead.
Your devices announce that they are available to be hacked, to hackers.
This is a proven, inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT
evidence, national news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and
inventory records, ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault
9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
6. It is bad policy for your organization, or any organization, to think
they are immune or have IT departments that can stop these hacks. NASA,
The CIA, The White House, EQUIFAX, The Department of Energy, Target,
Walmart, American Express, etc. have been hacked hundreds of times. This
is a proven, inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT
evidence, national news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and
inventory records, ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault
9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
7. The thinking: “Well, nobody would want to hack us”, or “We are not
important enough to get hacked” is the most erroneous and negligent
thinking one could have in the world today. Chinese, Russian and Iranian
spy agencies have a global “Facebook for blackmail” and have been
sucking up the data of every entity on Earth for over a decade. If the
network was open, they have the data and are always looking for more.
The same applies to Google and Facebook who have based their entire
business around domestic spying and data re-sale. This is a proven,
inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence, national
news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory records,
ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT
services, FBI.
8. You are a “Stepping Stone” doorway to other networks and data for
targeted individuals and other entities. Your networks provide routes
into other people’s networks. The largest political industry today is
called “Doxing” and “Character Assassination”. Billions of dollars are
expended by companies such as IN-Q-Tel - (DNC); Gawker Media - (DNC);
Jalopnik - (DNC); Gizmodo Media - (DNC); K2 Intelligence - (DNC);
WikiStrat - (DNC); Podesta Group - (DNC); Fusion GPS - (DNC/GOP); Google
- (DNC); YouTube - (DNC); Alphabet - (DNC); Facebook - (DNC); Twitter -
(DNC); Think Progress - (DNC); Media Matters - (DNC); Black Cube -
(DNC); Mossad - (DNC); Correct The Record - (DNC); Sand Line -
(DNC/GOP); Blackwater - (DNC/GOP); Stratfor - (DNC/GOP); ShareBlue -
(DNC); Wikileaks (DNC/GOP); Cambridge Analytica - (DNC/GOP); Sid
Blumenthal- (DNC); David Brock - (DNC); PR Firm Sunshine Sachs (DNC);
Covington and Burling - (DNC), Buzzfeed - (DNC) Perkins Coie - (DNC);
Wilson Sonsini - (DNC) and hundreds of others to harm others that
they perceive as political, personal or competitive threats. Do not
under-estimate your unintended role in helping to harm others. This is a
proven, inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence,
national news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory
records, ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU,
Global IT services, FBI.
9. NEVER believe that you are too small to be noticed by hackers.
Parties who believe that are the hackers favorite targets. This is a
proven, inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence,
national news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory
records, ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU,
Global IT services, FBI.
10. NEVER believe that because the word “DELL” or “IBM” or “CISCO” is
imprinted on the plastic cover of some equipment that you are safe. Big
brands are targeted by every spy agency on Earth and are the MOST
compromised types of equipment. This is a proven, inarguable fact based
on court records, FISA data, IT evidence, national news broadcasts,
Congressional presented evidence and inventory records, ie: Krebs On
Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
11. YOU may not personally care about getting exposed but the person, or
agency, you allow to get exposed will be affected for the rest of their
lives and they will care very much and could sue you for destroying them
via negligence. Be considerate of others in your “internet behavior”. Do
not put anything that could hurt another on any network, ever. This is a
proven, inarguable fact based on court records, FISA data, IT evidence,
national news broadcasts, Congressional presented evidence and inventory
records, ie: Krebs On Security, FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU,
Global IT services, FBI.
12. Never post your real photograph online, or on a dating site social
media or on any network. There are thousands of groups who scan every
photo on the web and cross check those photos in their massive databases
to reveal your personal information via every other location your photo
is posted. These "image harvesters" can find out where you, who your
friends and enemies are and where your kids are in minutes using
comparative image data that they have automated and operating around the
clock. This is a proven, inarguable fact based on court records,
FISA data, IT evidence, national news broadcasts, Congressional
presented evidence and inventory records, ie: Krebs On Security,
FireEye, ICIJ, Wikileaks Vault 9, EU, Global IT services, FBI.
13. If you think using web security measures like this makes you
"paranoid", then think again. Cautious and intelligent people use these
security measures because these dangers are proven in the news headlines
daily. Uninformed, naive and low IQ people are the types of people who
do not use good web hygiene and who suffer because they are not cautious
and are not willing to consider the consequences of their failure to
read the news and stay informed.
‘Gotham’ software written by Palantir shows how government agencies, or
anybody, can use very little information to obtain quick access to
anyone’s personal minutiae.
VICE NEWS Motherboard via public records request has revealed shocking
details of capabilities of California law enforcement involved in Fusion
Centers, once deemed to be a conspiracy theory like the National
Security Agency (NSA) which was founded in 1952, and its existence
hidden until the mid-1960s. Even more secretive is the National
Reconnaissance Office (NRO), which was founded in 1960 but remained
completely secret for 30 years.
Some of the documents instructing California law enforcement (Northern
California Regional Intelligence Center) “Fusion Center” are now online,
and they show just how much information the government can quickly
access with little or no knowledge of a person of interest.
“The guide doesn’t just show how Gotham works. It also shows how police
are instructed to use the software,” writes Caroline Haskins.
“This guide seems to be specifically made by Palantir for the California
law enforcement because it includes examples specific to California.”
According to DHS, “Fusion centers operate as state and major urban area
focal points for the receipt, analysis, gathering, and sharing of
threat-related information between federal; state, local, tribal,
territorial (SLTT); and private sector partners” like Palantir. Further,
Fusion Centers are locally owned and operated, arms of the “intelligence
community,” i.e. the 17 intelligence agencies coordinated by the
National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC). However, sometimes the
buildings are staffed by trained NSA personnel like what happened in
Mexico City, according to a 2010 Defense Department (DOD)
memorandum.
Palantir is a private intelligence data management company mapping
relationships between individuals and organizations alike founded by
Peter Thiel and CEO Alex Karp and accused rapist Joe Lonsdale. You may
remember Palantir from journalist Barrett Brown, Anonymous’ hack of
HBGary, or accusations that the company provided the technology that
enables NSA’s mass surveillance PRISM. Founded with early investment
from the CIA and heavily used by the military, Palantir is a
subcontracting company in its own right. The company has even been
featured in the Senate’s grilling of Facebook, when Washington State
Senator Maria Cantwell asked CEO Mark Zuckerberg, “Do you know who
Palantir is?” due to Peter Thiel sitting on Facebook’s board.
In 2011, Anonymous’ breach exposed HBGary’s plan, conceived along with
data intelligence firm Palantir, and Berico Technologies, to retaliate
against WikiLeaks with cyber attacks and threaten the journalism
institutions supporters. Following the hack and exposure of the joint
plot, Palantir attempted to distance itself from HBGary, which it blamed
for the plot.
Bank of America/Palintir/HBGary combined WikiLeaks attack plan. You can
find more here: https://t.co/85yECxFmZu pic.twitter.com/huNtfJp8gl
— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) November 29, 2016
This was in part because Palantir had in 2011 scored $250 million in
deals ; its customers included the CIA, FBI, US Special Operations
Command, Army, Marines, Air Force, LAPD and even the NYPD. So the shady
contractor had its reputation to lose at the time being involved in
arguably criminal activity against WikiLeaks and its supporters.
Palantir describes itself as follows based on its website:
Palantir Law Enforcement supports existing case management systems,
evidence management systems, arrest records, warrant data, subpoenaed
data, RMS or other crime-reporting data, Computer Aided Dispatch (CAD)
data, federal repositories, gang intelligence, suspicious activity
reports, Automated License Plate Reader (ALPR) data, and unstructured
data such as document repositories and emails.
Palantir’s software, Bloomberg reports,
combs through disparate data sources—financial documents, airline
reservations, cellphone records, social media postings—and searches for
connections that human analysts might miss. It then presents the
linkages in colorful, easy-to-interpret graphics that look like spider
webs.
Motherboard shows how Fusion Center police can now utilize similar
technology to track citizens beyond social media and online web accounts
with people record searches, vehicle record searches, a Histogram tool,
a Map tool, and an Object Explorer tool. (For more information on each
and the applicable uses see the Vice News article here.)
Police can then click on an individual in the chart within Gotham and
see every personal detail about a target and those around them, from
email addresses to bank account information, license information, social
media profiles, etc., according to the documents.
Palantir’s software in many ways is similar to the Prosecutor’s
Management Information System (PROMIS) stolen software Main Core and may
be the next evolution in that code, which allegedly predated PRISM. In
2008, Salon.com published details about a top-secret government database
that might have been at the heart of the Bush administration’s domestic
spying operations. The database known as “Main Core” reportedly
collected and stored vast amounts of personal and financial data about
millions of Americans in event of an emergency like Martial Law.
The only difference is, again, this technology is being allowed to be
deployed by Fusion Center designated police and not just the National
Security Agency. Therefore, this expands the power that Fusion Center
police — consisting of local law enforcement, other local government
employees, as well as Department of Homeland Security personnel — have
over individual American citizens.
This is a huge leap from allowing NSA agents to access PRISM database
search software or being paid by the government to mine social
media for “terrorists.”
Fusion Centers have become a long-standing target of civil liberties
groups like the EFF, ACLU, and others because they collect and aggregate
data from so many different public and private sources.
On a deeper level, when you combine the capabilities of Palantir’s
Gotham software, the abuse of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)
database for Federal Bureau of Investigations/Immigration and Customs
Enforcement, and facial recognition technology, you have the formula for
a nightmarish surveillance state. Ironically, or perhaps not, that
nightmare is the reality of undocumented immigrants as Palantir is one
of several companies helping sift through data for the raids planned by
ICE, according to journalist Barrett Brown.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED:
According to the world's top internet security experts: "...Welcome to
the new digital world. Nobody can ever type anything on the internet
without getting scanned, hacked, privacy abused, data harvested for some
political campaign, spied on by the NSA and Russian hackers and sold to
marketing companies. You can't find a corporate or email server that has
not already been hacked. For $5000.00, on the Dark Web, you can now buy
a copy of any person's entire dating files from match.com, their social
security records and their federal back-ground checks. These holes can
never be patched because they exist right in the hardware of 90% of the
internet hardware on Earth. Any hacker only needs to find one hole in a
network in order to steal everything in your medical records, your
Macy's account, your credit records and your dating data. Be aware,
these days, Mr. & Ms. Consumer. Facebook, Google, Twitter and Amazon
have turned out to be not-what-they-seem. They manipulate you and your
personal information in quite illicit manners and for corrupt purposes.
Avoid communicating with anybody on the internet because you will never
know who you are really talking to. Only communication with people live
and in-person..."
SPREAD THE WORD. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. COPY AND PASTE THIS TO YOUR SOCIAL
MEDIA. SEE MORE PROOF IN THESE ARTICLES:
https://www.i-programmer.info/news/149-security/12556-google-says-spectre-and-meltdown-are-too-difficult-to-fix.html
https://sputniknews.com/us/201902231072681117-encryption-keys-dark-overlord-911-hack/
https://www.businessinsider.com/nest-microphone-was-never-supposed-to-be-a-secret-2019-2
https://thehill.com/policy/technology/430779-google-says-hidden-microphone-was-never-intended-to-be-a-secret
https://www.blacklistednews.com/article/71200/smartphone-apps-sending-intensely-personal-information-to-facebook--whether-or-not-you-have-an.html
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/microsoft-edge-secret-whitelist-allows-facebook-to-autorun-flash/
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19210727
https://www.davidicke.com/article/469484/israel-hardware-backdoored-everything
https://www.scmp.com/economy/china-economy/article/2186606/chinas-social-credit-system-shows-its-teeth-banning-millions
https://youtu.be/lwoyesA-vlM
https://www.zdnet.com/article/critical-vulnerabilities-uncovered-in-popular-password-managers/
https://files.catbox.moe/jopll0.pdf
https://files.catbox.moe/ugqngv.pdf
https://www.technologyreview.com/s/612974/once-hailed-as-unhackable-blockchains-are-now-getting-hacked/
https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2019/02/att-t-mobile-sprint-reportedly-broke-us-law-by-selling-911-location-data/
https://theintercept.com/2019/02/08/jeff-bezos-protests-the-invasion-of-his-privacy-as-amazon-builds-a-sprawling-surveillance-state-for-everyone-else/
https://www.blacklistednews.com/article/71200/smartphone-apps-sending-intensely-personal-information-to-facebook--whether-or-not-you-have-an.html
https://www.stripes.com/news/us/feds-share-watch-list-with-1-400-private-groups-1.569308
https://voat.co/v/news/3053329
https://www.zdnet.com/article/all-intel-chips-open-to-new-spoiler-non-spectre-attack-dont-expect-a-quick-fix/
https://voat.co/v/technology/3075724
https://www.theregister.co.uk/2019/02/26/malware_ibm_powershell/
https://fossbytes.com/facebook-lets-anyone-view-your-profile-using-your-phone-number/
https://www.iottechtrends.com/vulnerability-ring-doorbell-fixed/
https://voat.co/v/technology/3077896
https://www.mintpressnews.com/whistleblowers-say-nsa-still-spies-american-phones-hidden-program/256208/
https://www.wionews.com/photos/how-israel-spyware-firm-nso-operates-in-shadowy-cyber-world-218782#hit-in-mexico-218759
https://sg.news.yahoo.com/whatsapp-hack-latest-breach-personal-data-security-135037749.html
https://metro.co.uk/2019/05/14/whatsapp-security-attack-put-malicious-code-iphones-androids-9523698/
https://www.thesun.co.uk/tech/9069211/whatsapp-surveillance-cyber-attack-glitch/
----------------------------------------------
THE PROMIS BACKDOOR
Beyond embedded journalists, news blackouts, false
flag events, blacklisted and disappeared Internet domains the plotline
of America's "free press" there are now ISP-filtering programs subject
to Homeland Security guidelines that sift through emails and toss some
into a black hole. Insiders and the NSA-approved, however, can get
around such protections of networks by means of the various hybrids of
the PROM IS backdoor. The 1980s theA of the Prosecutor's Management
Information System (PROMIS) software handed over the golden key that
would grant most of the world to a handful of criminals. In fact, this
one crime may have been the final deal with the devil that consigned the
United States to its present shameful descent into moral turpitude.
PROMIS began as a COBOL-based program designed to track multiple
offenders through multiple databases like those of the DOJ, CIA, U.S.
Attorney, IRS, etc. Its creator was a former NSA analyst named William
Hamilton. About the time that the October Surprise Iranian hostage drama
was stealing the election for former California governor Ronald Reagan
and former CIA director George H.W. Bush in 1980, Hamilton was moving
his Inslaw Inc. from non-profit to for-profit status.
His intention was to keep the upgraded version of
PROM IS that Inslaw had paid for and earmark a public domain version
funded by a Law Enforcement Assistance Administration (LEAA) grant for
the government. With 570,000 lines of code, PROMIS was able to integrate
innumerable databases without any reprogramming and thus turn mere data
into information.
With Reagan in the White House, his California cronies at the DOJ
offered Inslaw a $9.6 million contract to install public-domain PROMIS
in prosecutors' offices, though it was really the enhanced PROM IS that
the good-old-boy network had set its sights on. In February 1983, the
chief of Israeli antiterrorism intelligence was sent to Inslaw under an
alias to see for himself the DEC VAX enhanced version. He recognized
immediately that this software would revolutionize Israeli intelligence
and crush the Palestine Inti fada. Enhanced PROMIS could extrapolate
nuclear submarine routes and destinations, track assets, trustees, and
judges. Not only that, but the conspirators had a CIA genius named
Michael Riconosciuto who could enhance the enhanced version one step
further, once it was in their possession. To install public domain
PROMIS in ninety-four U.S. Attorney offices as per contract, Inslaw had
to utilize its enhanced PROMIS.
The DOJ made its move, demanding temporary possession of enhanced PROMIS
as collateral to ensure that all installations were completed and that
only Inslaw money had gone into the enhancements. Na'ively, Hamilton
agreed. The rest is history: the DOJ delayed payments on the $9.6
million and drove Inslaw into bankruptcy. With Edwin Meese III as
Attorney General, the bankruptcy system was little more than a political
patronage system, anyway. The enhanced PROMIS was then passed to the
brilliant multivalent computer and chemical genius Riconosciuto, son of
CIA Agent Marshall Riconosciuto.5 Recruited at sixteen, Michael had
studied with Nobel Prize-winning physicist and co-inventor of the laser
Arthur Shallo. Michael was moved from Indio to Silver Springs to Miami
as he worked to insert a chip that would broadcast the contents of
whatever database was present to collection satellites and monitoring
vans like the Google Street View van, using a digital spread spectrum to
make the signal look like computer noise. This Trojan horse would grant
key-club access to the backdoor of any person or institution that
purchased PROM IS software as long as the backdoor could be kept secret.
Meanwhile, the drama between Hamilton and the conspirators at DOJ
continued. A quiet offer to buy out Inslaw was proffered by the
investment banking firm Allen & Co., British publisher (Daily
Mirror) Robert Maxwell, the Arkansas corporation Systematics, and
Arkansas lawyer (and Clinton family friend) Webb Hubbell.
Hamilton refused and filed a $50 million lawsuit in bankruptcy court
against the DOJ on June 9, 1986. Bankruptcy Judge George F. Bason, Jr.
ruled that the DOJ had indeed stolen PROMIS through trickery, fraud, and
deceit, and awarded Inslaw $6.8 million. He was unable to bring perjury
charges against government officials but recommended to the House
Judiciary Committee that it conduct a full investigation of the DOJ. The
DOJ's appeal failed, but the Washington, D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals
reversed everything on a technicality. Under then-President George H.W.
Bush (1989 — 1993), Inslaw's petition to the Supreme Court in October
1991 was scorned. When the IRS lawyer requested that Inslaw be
liquidated in such a way that the U.S. Trustee program (AG Meese's
feeding trough between the DOJ and IRS) could name the trustee who would
convert the assets, oversee the auction, and retain the appraisers,
Judge Bason refused.
Under then-President William Jefferson Clinton (1993
— 2001), the Court of Federal Claims whitewashed the DOJ's destruction
of Inslaw and theA of PROMIS on July 31, 1997. Judge Christine Miller
sent a 186-page advisory opinion to Congress claiming that Inslaw's
complaint had no merit a somber message to software developers seeking
to do business with Attorney Generals and their DOJ. For his integrity,
Judge Bason lost his bench seat to the IRS lawyer. T
hroughout three administrations, the mainstream Mockingbird media
obediently covered up the Inslaw affair, enhanced PROMIS being a master
tool of inference extraction able to track and eavesdrop like nothing
else. Once enhanced PROMIS was being sold domestically and abroad so as
to steal data from individuals, government agencies, banks, and
corporations everywhere, intelligence-connected Barry Kumnick~ turned
PROMIS into an artificial intelligence (AI) tool called SMART (Special
Management Artificial Reasoning Tool) that revolutionized surveillance.
The DOJ promised Kumnick $25 million, then forced him into bankruptcy as
it had Hamilton. (Unlike Hamilton, Kumnick settled for a high security
clearance and work at military contractors Systematics and Northrop.)
Five Eyes / Echelon and the FBI's Carnivore / Data Collection System
1000 were promptly armed with SMART, as was closed circuit satellite
highdefinition (HD) television. With SMART, Five Eyes / Echelon
intercepts for UKUSA agencies became breathtaking.
The next modification to Hamilton's PROMIS was
Brainstorm, a behavioral recognition software, followed by the facial
recognition soAware Flexible Research System (FRS); then Semantic Web,
which looks not just for link words and embedded code but for what it
means that this particular person is following this particular thread.
Then came quantum modification. The Department of Defense paid Simulex,
Inc. to develop Sentient World Simulation (SWS), a synthetic mirror of
the real world with automated continuous calibration with respect to
current real-world information. The SEAS (Synthetic Environment for
Analysis and Simulations) soAware platform drives SWS to devour as many
as five million nodes of breaking news census data, shiAing economic
indicators, real world weather patterns, and social media data, then
feeds it proprietary military intelligence and fictitious events to
gauge their destabilizing impact. Research into how to maintain public
cognitive dissonance and learned helplessness (psychologist Martin
Seligman) help SEAS deduce human behavior.
---------------------------------------------------------
There are legitimate reasons (
http://www.learnliberty.org/videos/edward-snowden-surveillance-is-about-power/
)to want to avoid being tracked and spied-on while you're online. But
aside from that, doesn't it feel creepy knowing you're probably being
watched every moment that you're online and that information about where
you go and what you do could potentially be sold to anyone at any
time--to advertisers, your health insurance company, a future employer,
the government, even a snoopy neighbor? Wouldn't you feel better not
having to worry about that on top of everything else you have to worry
about every day?
You can test to what extent your browser is transmitting unique
information using these sites: panopticlick.com, Shieldsup, and
ip-check.info.
https://panopticlick.eff.org/
https://www.grc.com/shieldsup
https://cheapskatesguide.org/articles/ip-check.info?/lang=en
These sites confirm that browsers transmit a lot of data that can be
used for fingerprinting. From playing around with these sites, I have
noticed that turning off javascript in my browser does help some. Also
the TOR browser seems to transmit less data than most, but even it is
not completely effective. The added benefit that you get from the TOR
browser and especially the TAILS operating system is that they block
your IP address from the websites you visit. You want to try several
browsers to see which one transmits the least information. Perhaps you
will be lucky enough to find a browser that transmits less information
than the TOR browser.
The next thing to be aware of is that corporations have methods other
than tracking to spy on you. There is a saying that if a corporation is
offering you their product for free, you are their product. This means
that corporations that offer you free services are selling the data they
collect from you in order to be able to provide you with these services.
So, chances are that companies that provide you with free email are
reading your email. We know that, in addition to tracking you, Facebook
reads your posts and knows who your friends are, and that is just the
beginning of Facebook's spying methods. Free online surveys are just
ways of collecting more data from you. Companies also monitor your
credit card transactions and sell your online dating profiles. If you
have a Samsung TV that is connected to the internet, it's probably
recording what you watch and may even be listening to your private
conversations in your home. In fact, anything that you have in your home
that is connected to the internet may be spying on you, right down to
your internet-connected light bulb. With a few exceptions, online search
engines monitor and log your searches. One of the exceptions is the
ixquick.com search engine, which is headquartered in Europe. The steps
to counter the nearly ubiquitous activities of free service providers
would be to pay for services you receive online, read website privacy
agreements, and not buy products that are known to be spying on you.
However, the only way to be really secure from corporations using the
internet to spy on you is to never connect to the internet or buy any
internet-connected appliances. Welcome back to the 1980's.
Protecting yourself from government spying while you are on the internet
is the hardest and requires the most knowledge. The biggest problem is
that unless a whistle-blower like Edward Snowden tells us, we have no
way of knowing how governments may potentially be spying on us. That
means that we have no way of protecting ourselves 100% of the time from
government spying. Some things whistle-blowers have revealed (
https://secureswissdata.com/9-ways-government-spying-on-internet-activity/
) are that the US government logs the meta data from all phone calls
(who calls who and when), secretly forces internet service providers and
providers of other services to allow it to "listen in on" and record all
traffic going through their servers, reads nearly all email sent from
everywhere in the world, and tracks the locations of all cell phones
(even when they're turned off). And, although I am not aware of any
specific whistle-blower revelations on this, there is every reason to
believe that the US government (and perhaps others, including China's)
has backdoors built into all computer hardware and operating system
software for monitoring everything we do on our cell phones, tablets,
laptops, desktop computers, and routers. (
https://www.eteknix.com/nsa-may-backdoors-built-intel-amd-processors/ )
See also this. Because Lenovo computers are manufactured in China, the
US government has issued warnings to all US government agencies and
subcontractors to strongly discourage them from using Lenovo computers.
And the US government probably has backdoors (
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/a-brief-history-of-the-nsa-attempting-to-insert-backdoors-into-encrypted-data
) into all commercially-available encryption software, with the possible
exception of Truecrypt version 7.1a. I hope you are understanding now
the magnitude of the lengths that governments are going to (using your
tax money) to spy on you. In truth, we are now approaching the level of
government spying that George Orwell warned about in his book, 1984
So what can we practically do to protect ourselves from government
spying? Seriously, there isn't much, if we want to use cell phones,
credit cards, and the internet. About all we can do, if we absolutely
need to have a private conversation, is to have a face-to-face meeting
without any electronics within microphone range. That includes cell
phones, Samsung TV's, video cameras, computers, or land-line telephones.
And don't travel to the meeting place using long-distance commercial
transportation.
Sending a letter through the US mail is the next best, although it is
known that the outsides of all mail sent through the US mail are
photographed, and the pictures are stored. So, don't put your return
address on the envelope. (
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/new_york_times_post_office_photocopies_envelopes_of_all_mail_sent_in_the_us/
) As far as surfing the internet is concerned, begin with all the
precautions that I outlined above to protect yourself from corporate
spying (except HTTPS and VPN's). Then, add the TAILS operating system on
a USB stick. As I said, TAILS will not prevent you from being identified
and tracked via the fingerprinting method. And who can be sure whether
the government has a backdoor in TAILS? As far as I know, the
super-paranoid, hoody and sunglasses method I outlined above is is the
next step.
-----------------------------------------------
Experts warns of ‘epidemic’ of bugging devices used by stalkers - By
James Hockaday
Stalkers are using cheap bugging devices hidden in everyday household
items
More funding and legal powers are needed for police to stop a surge of
stalkers using eavesdropping devices to spy on victims, experts have
warned.
Firms paid to detect the bugs say they’re finding more and more of the
devices which are readily available on online marketplaces like Amazon
and eBay.
Jack Lazzereschi, Technical Director of bug sweeping company
Shapestones, says cases of stalking and victims being blackmailed with
intimate footage shot in secret has doubled in the past two years.
He told Metro.co.uk: ‘The police want to do something about it, they try
to, but usually they don’t have the legal power or the resources to
investigate.
‘For us it’s a problem. We try to protect the client, we want to assure
that somebody has been protected.’
Advert for a hidden camera device planted inside a fire/smoke alarm sold
on Amazon
People are paying as little as £15 for listening devices and spy cameras
hidden inside desk lamps, wall sockets, phone charger cables, USB sticks
and picture frames.
Users insert a sim card into a hidden slot and call a number to listen
in on their unwitting targets.
People using hidden cameras can watch what’s happening using an apps on
their phones.
Jack says the devices are so effective, cheap and hard to trace to their
users, law enforcement prefer using them over expensive old-school
devices.
Although every case is different, in situations where homeowners plant
devices in their own properties, Jack says there’s usually a legal ‘grey
area’ to avoid prosecution.
The devices themselves aren’t illegal and they are usually marketed for
legitimate purposes like protection, making it difficult for cops to
investigate.
There is no suggestion online marketplaces like eBay and Amazon are
breaking the law by selling them.
But in some instances, images of women in their underwear have been used
in listings – implying more sinister uses for the devices.
Even in cases when people are more clearly breaking the law, Jack says
it’s unlikely perpetrators will be brought to justice as overstretched
police will prioritise resources to stop violent crime.
Jack’s says around 60 per cent of his firm’s non-corporate cases cases
involve stalking or blackmail.
He says it’s become an ‘epidemic’ over the past couple of years with the
gadgets more readily available than ever before.
Jack Lazzereschi says he’s seen stalking cases double in a few years
Victims are often filmed naked or having sex and threatened with the
threat of footage being put online and in the worst cases children are
also recorded.
Jack says UK law is woefully unprepared to deal with these devices
compared to countries in the Asian-Pacific region.
In South Korea authorities have cracked down on a scourge of perverts
planting cameras in public toilets.
James Williams, director of bug sweepers QCC Global says snooping
devices used to be the preserve of people with deep pockets and
technological know-how.
He said: ‘It’s gone from that to really being at a place where anybody
can just buy a device from the internet.
‘Anything you can possibly think of you can buy with a bug built into
it. I would say they’re getting used increasingly across the board.’
Suky Bhaker, Acting CEO of the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, which runs the
National Stalking Helpline, warned using these gadgets could be a
prelude to physical violence.
She said: ‘We know that stalking and coercive control are extremely
dangerous and can cause huge harm to the victim, both in terms of their
psychological wellbeing and the potential for escalation to physical
violence or even murder.
‘The use of surveillance devices or spyware apps by stalkers, must be
seen in the context of a pattern of obsessive, fixated behaviour which
aims at controlling and monitoring the victim.
She added: ‘There should be clarity for police forces that the use of
surveillance equipment by stalkers to monitor their victim’s location or
communications is a sign that serious and dangerous abuse may be present
or imminent.’
‘All cases of stalking or coercive control should be taken seriously and
investigated when reported to police.’
The charity is calling for all police forces across the country to train
staff in this area.
Earlier this month a policeman known only by his surname Mills was
barred from the profession for life for repeatedly dismissing pleas for
help from 19-year-old Shana Grice who was eventually murdered by her
stalker ex-boyfriend Michel Lane.
A spokesman for eBay said: ‘The listing of mini cameras on eBay is
permitted for legitimate items like baby monitors or doorbell cameras.
‘However, items intended to be used as spying devices are banned from
eBay’s UK platform in accordance with the law and our policy.
‘We have filters in place to block prohibited items, and all the items
flagged by Metro have now been removed.’
Face-tracking harvesters grab one picture of you and then use AI to find
every other digital picture of you on Earth and open every social media
post, resume, news clipping, dating account etc. and sell the full
dossier on you to Axciom, the NSA, Political manipulators etc. and hack
your bank accounts and credit cards. Never put an unsecured photo of
yourself online.
===========================
Who’s Watching Your WebEx? Webex has many back-door spy paths built in
KrebsOnSecurity spent a good part of the past week working with Cisco to
alert more than four dozen companies — many of them household names —
about regular corporate WebEx conference meetings that lack passwords
and are thus open to anyone who wants to listen in.
Department of Energy’s WebEx meetings.
At issue are recurring video- and audio conference-based meetings that
companies make available to their employees via WebEx, a set of online
conferencing tools run by Cisco. These services allow customers to
password-protect meetings, but it was trivial to find dozens of major
companies that do not follow this basic best practice and allow
virtually anyone to join daily meetings about apparently
internal discussions and planning sessions.
Many of the meetings that can be found by a cursory search within
an organization’s “Events Center” listing on Webex.com seem to be
intended for public viewing, such as product demonstrations and
presentations for prospective customers and clients. However, from there
it is often easy to discover a host of other, more proprietary WebEx
meetings simply by clicking through the daily and weekly meetings listed
in each organization’s “Meeting Center” section on the Webex.com
site.
Some of the more interesting, non-password-protected recurring meetings
I found include those from Charles Schwab, CSC, CBS, CVS, The U.S.
Department of Energy, Fannie Mae, Jones Day, Orbitz, Paychex Services,
and Union Pacific. Some entities even also allowed access to archived
event recordings.
Cisco began reaching out to each of these companies about a week ago,
and today released an all-customer alert (PDF) pointing customers
to a consolidated best-practices document written for Cisco WebEx site
administrators and users.
“In the first week of October, we were contacted by a leading security
researcher,” Cisco wrote. “He showed us that some WebEx customer sites
were publicly displaying meeting information online, including meeting
Time, Topic, Host, and Duration. Some sites also included a ‘join
meeting’ link.”
==========================
Quest Diagnostics Says All 12 Million Patients May Have Had Financial,
Medical, Personal Information Breached. It includes credit card numbers
and bank account information, according to a filing... HOW MANY TIMES DO
YOU NEED TO BE TOLD: "NEVER, EVER, GIVE TRUE INFORMATION TO ANY COMPANY
THAT USES A NETWORK OR MAKES YOU SIGN-IN TO ANYTHING ONLINE!"
https://khn.org/news/a-wake-up-call-on-data-collecting-smart-beds-and-sleep-apps/
==========================
https://www.wsj.com/articles/hackers-may-soon-be-able-to-tell-what-youre-typingjust-by-hearing-you-type-11559700120
https://sputniknews.com/science/201906051075646555-chinese-cyborg-future-chip/
https://www.emarketer.com/content/average-us-time-spent-with-mobile-in-2019-has-increased
https://www.baltimoresun.com/maryland/baltimore-city/bs-md-ci-ransomware-20190603-story.html
https://thehill.com/homenews/media/447532-news-industry-joins-calls-for-more-scrutiny-of-big-tech
https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/the-future-will-be-recorded-on-your-smart-speaker-1.1270598
https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2019/jun/9/robert-mueller-exploited-cell-phone-gps-track-trum/
https://www.theorganicprepper.com/the-unholy-alliance-between-dna-sites-and-facial-recognition/
Google still keeps a list of everything you ever bought using Gmail,
even if you delete all your emails, and provides that data to political
parties, the NSA and marketing companies so they can manipulate you
Todd Haselton@robotodd
Key Points
• Google Gmail keeps a log of everything you buy.
• Google says this is so you can ask Google Assistant
about the status of an order or reorder something.
• It also says you can delete this log by deleting
the email, but three weeks after we deleted all email, the list is still
there.
Google and other tech companies have been under fire recently for a
variety of issues, including failing to protect user data, failing to
disclose how data is collected and used and failing to police the
content posted to their services.
Companies such as Google have embedded themselves in our lives with
useful services including Gmail, Google Maps and Google Search, as well
as smart products such as the Google Assistant which can answer our
questions on a whim. The benefits of these tools come at the cost of our
privacy, however, because while Google says that privacy should not be a
“luxury good, ” it’s still going to great lengths to collect as much
detail as possible about its users and making it more difficult than
necessary for users to track what’s collected about them and delete it.
Here’s the latest case in point.
In May, I wrote up something weird I spotted on Google’s account
management page. I noticed that Google uses Gmail to store a list of
everything you’ve purchased, if you used Gmail or your Gmail address in
any part of the transaction.
If you have a confirmation for a prescription you picked up at a
pharmacy that went into your Gmail account, Google logs it. If you have
a receipt from Macy’s, Google keeps it. If you bought food for delivery
and the receipt went to your Gmail, Google stores that, too.
You get the idea, and you can see your own purchase history by going to
Google’s Purchases page.
Google says it does this so you can use Google Assistant to track
packages or reorder things, even if that’s not an option for some
purchases that aren’t mailed or wouldn’t be reordered, like something
you bought a store.
At the time of my original story, Google said users can delete
everything by tapping into a purchase and removing the Gmail. It seemed
to work if you did this for each purchase, one by one. This isn’t easy —
for years worth of purchases, this would take hours or even days of
time.
So, since Google doesn’t let you bulk-delete this purchases list, I
decided to delete everything in my Gmail inbox. That meant removing
every last message I’ve sent or received since I opened my Gmail account
more than a decade ago.
Despite Google’s assurances, it didn’t work.
Like a horror movie villain that just won’t die
On Friday, three weeks after I deleted every Gmail, I checked my
purchases list.
I still see receipts for things I bought years ago. Prescriptions, food
deliveries, books I bought on Amazon, music I purchased from iTunes, a
subscription to Xbox Live I bought from Microsoft -- it’s all there.
MOST OF THE OWNERS OF BIG DATING SITES TURN OUT TO BE CROOKS AND
POLITICAL MANIPULATORS
- Beware of who you trust with your sex life
- Big dating site owners found to be engaged in tax evasion, sex
trafficking, political bribery, privacy abuse, selling access to
hackers, domestic spying, human rights violations, political Honey Traps
and other crimes
- “Don’t worry, Trust Us” the site owners say but the world always later
finds out they are leaking your data to all kinds of awful outsiders
- Never, Ever, trust a dating site to protect your privacy
- Every major dating site reads all of your text messages and stores
archives of all of your dating site messages forever
- Every photo, or personal data point, that you put on a data site can
instantly be reverse tracked back to all of your other work, employment,
medical and personal data on the internet
- A low level admin or operations blogger in the offices of match.com,
OKCUPID, Plenty of Fish, Tinder or other sites might tell you that “they
don’t do any of those bad things” but they are either lying or naive.
Big dating sites exist for only two reasons: Profiteering and Political
Spying
Chelsea Clinton's OK Cupid, Match.com and Plenty Of Fish DNC Facial
Recognition Political Spy Tech Is Growing Stronger By Stealing Your Face
Chelsea Clinton's OK Cupid, Match.com and Plenty Of Fish DNC Facial
Recognition Political Spy Tech Is Growing Stronger By Stealing Your Face
- They use sex to trap you into revealing how to manipulate you.
- All of the JOIN UP questions at OK Cupid are essentially the DNC's
political agenda questions
- They use emotional vulnerabilities to trick you into being spied on
for political purposes
- Mass user class-action lawsuits being formed to sue Chelsea Clinton's
IAC (The ACTUAL owner of these websites) into oblivion for abusing users
I asked Tinder for my data. It sent me 800 pages of my ...
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/sep/26/tinder-personal-data-dating-app-messages-hacked-sold·
I asked Tinder for my data. It sent me 800 pages of my deepest, darkest
secrets The dating app knows me better than I do, but these reams of
intimate information are just the tip of the iceberg.
THE CLINTON DATING SITE SEX CULT CONNECTION
FACTS:
1. Chelsea Clinton went to Stanford University and helped get Stanford's
Brainwash project going
2. The Brainwash project, and 12 others, harvest data from Match.com,
OKCUPID and Plenty of Fish users
3. Chelsea Clinton runs IAC which owns Match.com, OKCUPID and Plenty of
Fish
4. Jeffery Epstein finances the Clinton Family and is an arrested
pedophile sex cult operator
5. Jeffrey Epstein harvested sex cult girls for himself and his buddies
from Match.com, OKCUPID and Plenty of Fish
6. Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell was one of the heads of Jeffrey Epstein's
procurement efforts of young girls
7. Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell was a guest of honor at Chelsea Clinton's
wedding
8. Match.com, OKCUPID and Plenty of Fish sell their user data to the DNC
and Democrat political operatives and all of the initial site questions
on OKCUPID are from the DNC election platform!
SEX CULT BOSS Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell At the Clinton Wedding as Guest
Of Honor
By Cade Metz
Companies gather massive databases of people’s images, for facial
recognition spy tools, from OKCUPID
Cade Metz
© Open Data Commons Public Domain Dedication and License/Megapixels via
The New York Times In an undated handout image from the website
Megapixels, a sample image from the Brainwash database, created by
Stanford University researchers, which contains more than 10,000 images
and nearly 82,000…
SAN FRANCISCO — Dozens of databases of people’s faces are being compiled
without their knowledge by companies and researchers, with many of the
images then being shared around the world, in what has become a vast
ecosystem fueling the spread of facial recognition technology.
The databases are pulled together with images from social networks,
photo websites, dating services like OkCupid, and cameras placed in
restaurants and on college quads. Although there is no precise count of
the datasets, privacy activists have pinpointed repositories that were
built by Microsoft, Stanford University, and others, with one holding
more than 10 million images while another had more than 2 million.
The facial compilations are being driven by the race to create
leading-edge facial recognition systems. This technology learns how to
identify people by analyzing as many digital pictures as possible using
“neural networks,” which are complex mathematical systems that require
vast amounts of data to build pattern recognition.
Tech giants Facebook and Google have most likely amassed the largest
face data sets, which they do not distribute, according to research
papers. But other companies and universities have widely shared their
image troves with researchers, governments, and private enterprises in
Australia, China, India, Singapore, and Switzerland for training
artificial intelligence, according to academics, activists, and public
papers.
Companies and labs have gathered facial images for more than a decade,
and the databases are merely one layer to building facial recognition
technology. But people often have no idea that their faces ended up in
them. And while names are typically not attached to the photos,
individuals can be recognized because each face is unique to a person.
Questions about the datasets are rising because the technologies that
they have enabled are being used in potentially invasive ways. Documents
released last Sunday revealed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement
officials employed facial recognition technology to scan motorists’
photos to identify unauthorized immigrants. The FBI also spent more than
a decade using such systems to compare driver’s license and visa photos
against the faces of suspected criminals, according to a Government
Accountability Office report last month. On Wednesday, a congressional
hearing tackled the government’s use of the technology.
There is no oversight of the datasets. Activists and others said they
were angered by the possibility that people’s likenesses had been used
to build ethically questionable technology and that the images could be
misused. At least one facial database created in the United States was
shared with a company in China that has been linked to ethnic profiling
of the country’s minority Uighur Muslims.
Over the past several weeks, some companies and universities, including
Microsoft and Stanford, removed their facial datasets from the internet
because of privacy concerns. But given that the images were already so
well distributed, they are most likely still being used in the United
States and elsewhere, researchers and activists said.
“You come to see that these practices are intrusive, and you realize
that these companies are not respectful of privacy,” said Liz
O’Sullivan, who oversaw one of these databases at the artificial
intelligence startup Clarifai. She said she left the New York-based
company in January to protest such practices.
“The more ubiquitous facial recognition becomes, the more exposed we all
are to being part of the process,” she said.
Google, Facebook, and Microsoft declined to comment.
One database, which dates to 2014, was put together by researchers at
Stanford. It was called Brainwash, after a San Francisco cafe of the
same name, where the researchers tapped into a camera. Over three days,
the camera took more than 10,000 images, which went into the database,
the researchers wrote in a 2015 paper. The paper did not address whether
cafe patrons knew their images were being taken and used for research.
(The cafe has closed.)
The Stanford researchers then shared Brainwash. According to research
papers, it was used in China by academics associated with the National
University of Defense Technology and Megvii, an artificial intelligence
company that The New York Times previously reported has provided
surveillance technology for monitoring Uighurs.
The Brainwash dataset was removed from its original website last month
after Adam Harvey, an activist in Germany who tracks the use of these
repositories through a website called MegaPixels, drew attention to it.
Links between Brainwash and papers describing work to build AI systems
at the National University of Defense Technology in China have also been
deleted, according to documentation from Harvey.
Stanford researchers who oversaw Brainwash did not respond to requests
for comment. “As part of the research process, Stanford routinely makes
research documentation and supporting materials available publicly,” a
university official said. “Once research materials are made public, the
university does not track their use nor did university officials.”
At Microsoft, researchers have claimed on the company’s website to have
created one of the biggest facial datasets. The collection, called MS
Celeb, spanned over 10 million images of more than 100,000 people.
MS Celeb was ostensibly a database of celebrities, whose images are
considered fair game because they are public figures. But MS Celeb also
brought in photos of privacy and security activists, academics, and
others, such as Shoshana Zuboff, the author of the book “The Age of
Surveillance Capitalism,” according to documentation from Harvey of the
MegaPixels project. MS Celeb was distributed internationally before
being removed this spring after Harvey and others flagged it.
Matt Zeiler, founder and chief executive of Clarifai, the AI startup,
said his company had built a facial database with images from OkCupid, a
dating site. He said Clarifai had access to OkCupid’s photos because
some of the dating site’s founders invested in his company.
He added that he had signed a deal with a large social media company —
he declined to disclose which — to use its images in training facial
recognition models. The social network’s terms of service allow for this
kind of sharing, he said.
“There has to be some level of trust with tech companies like Clarifai
to put powerful technology to good use and get comfortable with that,”
he said.
An OkCupid spokeswoman said that Clarifai contacted the company in 2014
“about collaborating to determine if they could build unbiased AI and
facial recognition technology” and that the dating site “did not enter
into any commercial agreement then and have no relationship with them
now.” She did not address whether Clarifai had gained access to
OkCupid’s photos without its consent.
Clarifai used the images from OkCupid to build a service that could
identify the age, sex, and race of detected faces, Zeiler said. The
startup also began working on a tool to collect images from a website
called Insecam — short for “insecure camera” — which taps into
surveillance cameras in city centers and private spaces without
authorization. Clarifai’s project was shut down last year after some
employees protested and before any images were gathered, he said.
Zeiler said Clarifai would sell its facial recognition technology to
foreign governments, military operations, and police departments
provided the circumstances were right. It did not make sense to place
blanket restrictions on the sale of technology to entire countries, he
added.
O’Sullivan, the former Clarifai technologist, has joined a civil rights
and privacy group called the Surveillance Technology Oversight Project.
She is now part of a team of researchers building a tool that will let
people check whether their image is part of the openly shared facial
databases.
“You are part of what made the system what it is,” she said.
•
READ MORE ABOUT DATING DATA RAPE:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/13/technology/databases-faces-facial-recognition-technology.html
MAYBE YOU DO WANT TO GET IN BED WITH THE FRIENDS OF THESE DATING SITE
OWNERS...Or Do YOU?:
EPSTEIN'S TEMPLE OF SEX...
Mystery surrounding private island...
Compound has safe room no one can enter...
How did he make billions millions?
His former students speak out...
New Mexico ranch linked to investigation...
Jeffrey Epstein's Accused 'Pimp' and 'Groomer' Ghislaine Helped Hunt
Girls On OKCUPID ...
https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/jeffrey-epsteins-accused-pimp-and-groomer-ghislaine-maxwell-attended-chelsea-clintons-wedding/
Ghislaine Maxwell, who is accused of grooming and obtaining underage
girls for pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was pictured at Chelsea
Clinton's wedding. Epstein had already been convicted for sex crimes by
Chelsea's 2010 wedding. Maxwell appears in the photo just feet away from
Bill Clinton as he walked his daughter down the aisle.
Jeffrey Epstein's Accused 'Pimp' and 'Groomer' Ghislaine found girls on
OKCUPID, MATCH.COM, PLENTY OF FISH ...
https://trulytimes.com/jeffrey-epsteins-accused-pimp-and-groomer-ghislaine-maxwell-attended-chelsea-clintons-wedding.html
Ghislaine Maxwell, who is accused of grooming and acquiring underage
women for pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was pictured at Chelsea
Clinton's marriage. Epstein had at present been convicted for
intercourse crimes by Chelsea's 2010 wedding ceremony ceremony.
Alleged madam massaged Jeffrey Epstein to teach teen victim ...
https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/alleged-madam-joined-massage-jeffrey-epstein-lawsuit-article-1.2071123
A lawsuit is accusing alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell of massaging
Jeffrey Epstein to teach a teen to become his masseuse. ... who was
among the notables at Chelsea Clinton's wedding in 2010 ...
ghislaine maxwell chelsea clinton Archives - Current Affairs ...
https://wikiglobals.com/tag/ghislaine-maxwell-chelsea-clinton/
Ghislaine Maxwell Biography Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell is a British
socialite and the youngest child of publisher Robert Maxwell. She has
been associated with Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted child molester.
Maxwell moved to the United States after her father's death and has
become an advocate for the ocean as the founder of The TerraMar …
..What We Know About Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein's .
https://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3763160/posts
Over the years, Maxwell has been photographed alongside many prominent,
powerful people who are linked to Epstein, such as Donald Trump, Prince
Andrew, Bill Clinton, and lawyer Alan Dershowitz. Maxwell was even a
guest at Chelsea Clinton's wedding in 2010.
Ghislaine Maxwell - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghislaine_Maxwell
Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell (born 25 December 1961) is a British socialite
and the youngest child of publisher Robert Maxwell. She has been
associated with Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted child molester. Maxwell
moved to the United States after her father's death and has become an
advocate for the ocean as founder of The TerraMar Project.
ghislaine maxwell chelsea clinton wedding Archives - Current ...
https://wikiglobals.com/tag/ghislaine-maxwell-chelsea-clinton-wedding/
Ghislaine Maxwell Biography Ghislaine Noelle Maxwell is a British
socialite and the youngest child of publisher Robert Maxwell. She has
been associated with Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted child molester.
Maxwell moved to the United States after her father's death and has
become an advocate for the ocean as the founder of The TerraMar …
Bill Clinton pictured with pimp social fixer at Chelsea's wedding
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2906981/Bill-Clinton-pictured-Jeffrey-Epstein-s-social-fixer-Chelsea-s-wedding.html
EXCLUSIVE: Bill Clinton pictured with Jeffrey Epstein's social fixer at
Chelsea's wedding AFTER severing links with disgraced pedophile.
Ghislaine Maxwell is accused in court papers of procuring ...
Donald Trump Controlled By The Mossad - Part I - The ...
themillenniumreport.com/2017/04/compelling-evidence-donald-trump-is-controlled-by-mossad/
Ghislaine Maxwell is the daughter of late British parliamentarian and
media magnate Robert Maxwell, also a Jewish Mossad super sayan prior to
his assassination on November 5, 1991. Ghislaine Maxwell is not only a
personal friend of Bill and Hillary Clinton but, apparently, also of
Donald Trump (the two have been spotted together on several ...
Ghislaine Maxwell - Jeffrey Epstein's fixer invited to ...
https://www.pacificpundit.com/2019/07/10/ghislaine-maxwell-chelsea-clinton-wedding/
The corrupt media doesn't like to talk about Jeffrey Epstein's ties to
the Clinton Crime Family. Of course none bother to ask why Ghislaine
Maxwell - Jeffrey Epstein's pimp or fixer was invited to Chelsea Clinton
wedding. Don't you find that a little strange if as Clinton claims, he
only took "four" flights with Epstein?
Chelsea Clinton | IAC
https://www.iac.com/about/leadership/board-directors/chelsea-clinton
Chelsea also serves on the boards of the Clinton Foundation's affiliated
Clinton Health Access Initiative, the School of American Ballet, the
Africa Center and the Weill Cornell Medical College. She is the Co-Chair
of the Advisory Board of the Of Many Institute at NYU.
Chelsea Clinton Received $300k As An IAC Board Member — For ...
https://www.dailywire.com/news/46784/chelsea-clinton-received-300k-iac-board-member-ashe-schow
The Daily Mail reported Thursday on records it had obtained showing
Clinton was paid a little more than $600,000 in 2018 as director for IAC
and Expedia's boards. "The IAC board met just six times in 2018, while
some members of the Expedia board were only obligated to attend two
meetings last year," the Mail reported.
Chelsea Clinton Received $300k As An IAC Board Member - For ...
conservativefighters.com/news/chelsea-clinton-received-300k-as-an-iac-board-member-for-attending-just-six-meetings/
It's good to be Chelsea Clinton. The crowned princess of the Clinton
Clan just has to show up a few times and get handed buckets of money.
This participation-trophy career has recently netted the only daughter
of Bill and Hillary Clinton a staggering $300,000 for attending six
meetings while a board member of "leading media […]
Chelsea Clinton Received $300k As An IAC Board Member - For ...
www.madnesshub.com/2019/05/chelsea-clinton-received-300k-as-iac.html
The $302,880 amount Clinton received from Expedia was the result of a
$52,953 cash fee and $249,927 from stocks, which the Mail reports is the
amount each member of the board was awarded. Clinton, as the Mail noted,
is the youngest member of the board and unlike the next youngest member,
43-year-old Courtnee Chun, she really has no business ...
Chelsea Clinton made $300K for attending just six IAC ...
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6985787/Chelsea-Clinton-300K-attending-just-six-IAC-meetings-6-3-million-stock.html
EXCLUSIVE: Chelsea Clinton pocketed $300K for attending just six
meetings as a board member of IAC in 2018 - and now holds $6.3M worth of
stock in the company run by family friend Barry Diller
Chelsea Clinton Received $300k As An IAC Board Member - For ...
https://peltthepundits.com/2019/05/chelsea-clinton-received-300k-as-an-iac-board-member-for-attending-just-six-meetings
It's good to be Chelsea Clinton. The crowned princess of the Clinton
Clan just has to show up a few times and get handed buckets of money.
This participation-trophy career has recently netted the only daughter
of Bill and Hillary Clinton a staggering $300,000 for attending six
meetings while a board member of "leading media and Internet company"
IAC.
Chelsea Clinton Received $300k As An IAC Board Member - For ...
https://clarion.causeaction.com/2019/05/04/chelsea-clinton-received-300k-as-an-iac-board-member-for-attending-just-six-meetings/
IAC and Expedia are both led by Clinton family friend Barry Diller.
While each board member received the same stock awards, Chun was paid
less in cash fees ($45,000) than Clinton. Clinton was named to the board
when she was just 31 years old. This is not the first time Clinton has
received an egregious amount of money for very little work.
Expedia names Chelsea Clinton to board of directors
https://money.cnn.com/2017/03/17/news/companies/expedia-chelsea-clinton-board-of-directors/index.html
Mar 17, 2017 · Expedia just named Chelsea Clinton to its board of
directors. In a public filing posted Friday, the travel site said it
named Clinton -- the daughter of Hillary Clinton -- as a member of its
board ...
Chelsea Clinton Made $900,000 Working for Her Parents In Sex Industry
Dating Site Biz
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/chelsea-clinton-made-900000-working-for-her-parents/
Chelsea Clinton landed a lucrative job at NBC after graduating college,
but her salary wasn't $900,000, and she wasn't working for her parents.
... and as a board member of IAC/Interactive Corp ...
In Online Dating, 'Sextortion' and Scams - The New York Times
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/17/sunday-review/in-online-dating-sextortion-and-scams.html
· Scammers typically create fake profiles on dating sites and apps like
Match.com, OkCupid, eHarmony, Grindr and Tinder using pictures of
attractive men and women — often real people whose ...
Tinder Scam: 5 Examples To Spot Scammers on OkCupid and ...
https://www.insidermonkey.com/blog/tinder-scam-5-examples-to-spot-scammers-on-okcupid-and-tinder-515279/
The 5 examples to spot scammers on OkCupid and Tinder will help ensure
that your online dating experience is smooth and you spend more time in
finding the perfect person rather than the perfect ...
OkCupid Review | Free OkCupid Tutorials from TechBoomers
https://techboomers.com/t/okcupid-review
Now that we've covered what OkCupid is, how much it can cost, and
assessed how safe it is, it's time to review the service. Will OkCupid
help you find the love of your life, or will it fill your life with
meaningless notifications? In our OkCupid review, we highlight the pros
and cons of this service for you. Pros
Online daters, be warned! 1 in 10 profiles are scams, report ...
https://venturebeat.com/2012/10/30/online-dating-scam/
With a few of the largest player like OKCupid, Match, and others, there
are precautionary measures in place. ... "In the war against online
dating scams and security threats, we've chosen to ...
OkCupid Reviews | Is OkCupid.com a fraud or is it real?
https://leadingdatingservices.com/reviews/okcupid-reviews/
OkCupid.com - Summary. If you just want to chat with girls online, then
OkCupid.com is a good free site to sign up to for a few fun online hours
in the evening. But if you want to meet and date real women, then
OkCupid.com is going to be a hard place to find decent women to date.
OKCupid Reviews, Complaints, Customer Service, page 5
https://www.revdex.com/reviews/okcupid/1483029/page/5
Review: I spent $59 for A list level access to website . I have not had
a single person contact me . I am not satisfied with the service . I
have had 5 fraudulent people contact me . I do not want to be a member
of Okcupid A list anymore . I did not pay $59 for people who are
committing fraud with fake profiles and pictures to contact me via ...
--URGENT-- Underage Sexting Scam. Can my fr - Q&A - Avvo
https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/--urgent-------underage-sexting-scam--can-my-frien-2317988.html
--URGENT-- Underage Sexting Scam. Can my friend go to jail for sexting
and exchanging images with a 'Minor' Read More! One of my good friends
is freaking out right now, I want to help him out....
OKCupid Review - DatingWise.com
www.datingwise.com/review/okcupid.com/
OKCupid 2.57 43 A review of OKCupid. OkCupid is a highly popular dating
site that offers the majority of its services for free. OkCupid is a
highly popular dating site that offers the majority of its services for
free.
OkCupid A-List: Price? Features? Does It Get You More ...
https://blog.photofeeler.com/okcupid-a-list/
OkCupid A-List is not worth it if: you assume more exposure = more
messages and dates. With a bad profile and OkCupid A-List, it's possible
you'll just be rejected more and faster. On the other hand, it's
possible to be extremely successful on OkCupid's free version if you
have an optimized profile.
Ten fake profiles, one OkCupid experiment: OkCupid On Trial
Prosecutors say Jeffrey Epstein sent $350,000 in bribes to two possible
co-conspirators days after the Miami Herald article was released last
November (bigleaguepolitics.com)
The lesson here is that scumbags hang out with scumbags. No matter how
rich the bosses of a dating site are, they can still be evil and almost
always are:
CEO Of Backpage.com Arrested, Charged With Pimping : The Two ...
https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/10/07/497006100/ceo-of-backpage-com-arrested-charged-with-pimping
CEO Of Backpage.com Arrested, Charged With Pimping : The Two-Way Carl
Ferrer, the chief executive of a classifieds website that allows users
to post escort ads, was arrested in Texas on Thursday ...
New charges filed against Backpage bosses | The Trench ...
https://trenchreynolds.com/2016/12/23/new-charges-filed-against-backpage-bosses/
California Attorney General Kamala Harris, has filed new charges against
the heads of Backpage. After having the pimping charges against Backpage
dismissed, Harris is now pursuing charges of money laundering, 26 counts
of it to be exact.
Dating website founder: Love doesn't exist (Opinion) - CNN.com
https://www.cnn.com/2014/09/25/opinion/seeking-arrangement-ceo-on-love/index.html
Seeking Arrangement is a dating site, which means most of the men here
are eventually hoping to have sex. Isn't that the point of dating? But
this is not prostitution.
SAFER SAFE SEX WITH NEW TECHNOLOGIES
- You can rub a jelly on the male penis that prevents STD’s
Microbicides for sexually transmitted diseases are pharmacologic agents
and chemical substances that are capable of killing or destroying
certain microorganisms that commonly cause human infection (for example,
the human immunodeficiency virus).
Microbicides are a diverse group of chemical compounds that exert their
activity by a variety of different mechanisms of action. Multiple
compounds are being developed and tested for their microbicidal activity
in clinical trials. Microbicides can be formulated in various delivery
systems including gels, creams, lotions, aerosol sprays, tablets or
films (which must be used near the time of sexual intercourse) and
sponges and vaginal rings (or other devices that release the active
ingredient(s) over a longer period). Some of these agents are being
developed for vaginal application, and for rectal use by those engaging
in anal sex.
- The Oraquick mouth-swab is at every major pharmacy and can detect HIV
in minutes with high accuracy
With OraQuick®, you have the comfort of getting your test results in the
privacy of your own home. It's the only at-home oral HIV test approved
by the FDA.
http://www.oraquick.com/What-is-OraQuick/OraQuick-In-Home-HIV-Test
- Home tests can now detect the top STD’s
You must be tested for the following STD’s before you start dating:
- CHLAMYDIA (genital, throat, rectal)
- GONORRHEA (genital, throat, rectal)
- HEPATITIS C
- HIV I & II
- HERPES SIMPLEX 2
- SYPHILIS
- TRICHOMONIASIS
- MYCOPLASMA GENITALIUM
- HPV
If you do not test for these STD’s on a regular basis, in the modern
world, you will probably get one of them
https://www.athomestdtests.com/
https://www.mylabbox.com/
https://www.privateidna.com/
https://www.cvs.com/shop/home-health-care/home-tests/std-test
https://www.everlywell.com/products/std-test-male/
plus your own doctor and any community clinic…
- You can take pills to prevent HIV
Per: https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/prep/index.html
..you can take Prep Pills to prevent HIV but you can’t usually get the
prescription unless you tell the doctor you are ass-fucking gay men all
of a sudden… It works on non-gay people but they don’t like to give it
to straight people for odd political reasons.
- Get a home lab
The equipment to test for STD’s used to cost millions of dollars but now
you can buy forensics portable testing equipment for less than
$30,000.00 to test yourself and any new partner quickly. If you avoiding
getting AIDS, $30,000.00 is worth the investment. The prices are always
dropping. As a backup plan, you can use ORAQUICK and a combination of
these tests: https://www.amazon.com/hiv-test-kit/s?k=hiv+test+kit
HOW TO NEVER HAVE A BORING DATE
Many first dates and new couples find it hard to think of things to do.
Here is a small sample of the things you can do in just one area, ie:
around the San Francisco Bay Area:
- Walk around Angel Island
- Ask a stranger for directions to the nearest park
- Attend a performance at Zellerbach Hall at the University of
California in Berkeley
- Attend an Animation Film Festival
- Back the car up to a cliff-side view of the ocean and have a picnic in
the back over-looking the entire Pacific ocean
- Bake Cookies
- Go to the student film festival at one of the universities
- Find a beach you have never visited yet
- Bed & Breakfast Inns
- Borrow a dog and take them for a run on the beach
- Build a roadside library box and fill it with your old bookstore-
- Buy a book at City Lights bookstore in San Francisco's North Beach
- Buy a pumpkin for Halloween in Half Moon Bay at Bob’s Pumpkin Patch
- Call into radio shows and see how much airtime you can get
- Camp, hike, bike ride, fish or whatever you like in Lake Tahoe
(Several hours from the Bay Area)
- Check Out Art Galleries
- Climb a tree
- Collect stuff at the beach
- Crash a wedding reception at a Golf Club
- Dance to Salsa music in the Mission District of San Francisco
- Do an exotic jigsaw puzzle
- Do the “step-over” in a cross-walk
- Drive along Highway between San José and Santa Cruz See
beautiful mountains, homes, redwoods and much more
- Drive Big Sur and stop at Nepenthe or the Post Ranch Inn
- Drive down every road in Napa and explore
- Drive scenic Highway from San Francisco to Santa Barbara
- Drive to the top of Mount Hamilton and see the Lick Observatory in San
José
- Drop someone off at Alcatraz Island
- Eat Dessert
- Eat Good food
- Enjoy a beautiful summer day anywhere in the Bay Area
- Enjoy a California or Stanford basketball game
- Enjoy a performance or an exhibition at the Mission Cultural Arts
Center in San Francisco
- Enjoy a sunset at any beach
- Enjoy camping on a beach south of Carmel Camping is available on
beaches all the way to the Mexican border
- Enjoy international food and listen to music all weekend long during
Tapestry and Talent in downtown San José
- Enjoy the beautiful homes and breathtaking coastline while driving
from Pacific Grove through Del Monte ending in Carmel
- Enjoy the San José Jazz Festival at Cesar Chavez Plaza
- Enjoy the Santa Clara County Fair in San José
- Feed a homeless person
- Feed a squirrel
- Fish, drink a soda and eat calamari at the Santa Cruz Pier
- Flip some coins into a fountain
- Fly a glider over the farms of Monterey
- Fly acrobatic dual line kits
- Fly gliders
- Fly kites
- Flying Kites
- Foot Tickling
- Get a lifetime National Park pass and use it every month
- Get/Give a massage
- Go bike riding or just enjoy the flowers at Golden Gate Park in San
Francisco
- Go boating in the San Francisco Bay
- Go Dancing
- Go dancing at the Top of the Mark in San Francisco
- Go dining with friends
- Go fishing off the Capitola Pier and enjoy the live jazz music on some
weekends
- Go fishing off the Pacifica Wharf
- Go Furniture Hunting
- Go Hiking at Pescadero
- Go horseback riding near Uvas Meadows in San José
- Go People Watching in North Beach
- Go Roller Skating
- Go Sailing as ‘rail meat’
- Go sailing on the San Francisco Bay as a party filler guest
- Go shopping in downtown San Francisco There are too many shops to list
Buy everything from fly-fishing gear to high-end fashions
- Go swimming
- Go swing on the Alta Plaza Swings on top of the hill
- Go to a bed and breakfast inn and pretend it is the 1800’s
- Go to a bonfire at the beach
- Go to a City Hall hearing and raise hell about an issue
- Go to a holiday buffet at the Cliff House
- Go to A Music Festival
- Go to A Restaurant
- Go to an Aquarium
- Go to annual Greek festival in San José
- Go to annual Italian Carnaval at San José's Holy Cross Church
- Go to Art Openings
- Go to brunch at the Awahnee/Majestic in Yosemite
- Go to Carnaval in San Francisco
- Go to downtown Los Gatos (Los Altos, Palo Alto, Burlingame, Sausalito,
etc) and observe yuppies as they down $$$$ cappuccinos
- Go to Flea Markets
- Go to Japan town in San Francisco
- Go to MACLA in San José and see a Chicano art exhibit or performance
- Go to Matinees
- Go to Mitchell’s ice cream in San Francisco and get a hand-made ice
cream
- Go to Museums
- Go to National Parks
- Go to Nordstrom's in downtown San Francisco and get your shoes shined
- Go to San Juan Bautista and visit the Mission and shop for antiques in
a rural setting
- Go To The Beach
- Go to the Castro Theater in San Francisco and see a movie and an organ
performance during intermission
- Go to the Century theaters and see an IMAX movie in San José
- Go to the DeSassait Photography Gallery at Santa Clara University
- Go to the Driving Range
- Go to the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum in San José
- Go to the San José Museum of Art
- Go to the Santa Cruz Beach and Boardwalk
- Go to The Secret Beach
- Go to the Stanford University Chapel for a performance of classical
music
- Go to the traditional Thanksgiving Big Bone Game between Lincoln and
San José High
- Go to the University of California at Santa Cruz to see the beautiful
campus and redwoods
- Go to the world's largest flea market in San José
- Go water or snow skiing (gambling too) in Lake Tahoe (Several hours
away)
- Go water skiing at Calero reservoir or at other great area reservoirs
or lakes
- Go water skiing in the San Joaquin Delta
- Grab a cup of coffee at Java Beach and stroll the beach in San
Francisco
- Haggle at Garage Sales
- Hang out at one of the many Silicon Valley watering holes in San Mateo
to San José
- Hang out with the tourists at San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf and
Pier
- Have A Barbecue
- Have a BBQ at San José's Alum Rock Park
- Have a deadly caramel ice cream sundae at Fenton’s
- Have a doughnut at Rollo's in San José
- Have a night entirely lit by candles
- Have A Picnic
- Have a picnic at Stinson Beach
- Have a sandwich or coffee at Robert's of Woodside Woodside is just off
Highway and is an affluent 'barb nestled in the forest. Maybe
locals Joan Baez, Michelle Pfieffer or Neil Young will say hi
- Have a slice of pizza at Frida's Pizza in San Francisco's Mission
District
- Have a steak at Original Joes in downtown San José
- Have a Taco at Taco Bell (on the beach) in Pacifica
- Have a tasty hamburger or a crepe at the Crepevine in San Francisco's
Sunset District
- Have an ice cream at Ben and Jerry's on the corner of Haight and
Ashbury in San Francisco
- Have breakfast at the Pork Store in the Haight Ashbury in San
Francisco
- Have coffee at Mr Toot's (by the beach) in Capitola
- Have lunch in downtown Mendocino Watch but out for the pot brownies!
- Have lunch in the quaint Saratoga Village near Big Basin Way or
Congress Springs Road
- Have some corn on the cob or sushi at the San José Nihonmachi festival
in Japan Town in San José
- Have some Japanese food in San José's Japantown
- Have some of the best pizza on earth at North Beach Pizza of San
Francisco
- Have some of the best Vietnamese food in the Bay Area at Tu Lan on
(sleazy)Street near Market Park yourself next to the cooks (my favorite
spot) and watch the cooks perform
- Have Sunday brunch in downtown Carmel
- Hike in the magnificent Muir Woods
- Hike or picnic at Alum Rock Park in San José
- Horse Riding
- Hot Tubs
- House Tours
- Hugging
- Indulge in a holiday buffet at The Top of The Mark (Especially
Christmas and Thanksgiving)
- Inspect the archives at the Chicano Center at San José State
- Inspect the studios of emerging artists during open studios in San
José or San Francisco
- Jet Skiing
- Just look in the newspaper your bound to find a festival, performance
or exhibit that is just right for you in the beautiful San Francisco Bay
AreaKeep an eye out for whales near Davenport
- Kick back (really kick back) and enjoy some coffee in Santa Cruz at
Cafe Pergolesi
- Lay in the sun
- Listen to Los Lobos or other performers at Santa Cruz's Catalyst
- Listen to music or dance in a club in San Francisco
- Look at photo exhibits
- Look at the stars
- Look on Goldstar dot com for fun deals
- Make a gift for a donation box
- Make a leaf pile and jump in it
- Make Dinner Together
- Make faces at strangers to make them laugh
- Night Picnics
- North Beach
- Open Studios
- Pick a quiet spot in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park and have a
picnic or toss the Frisbee
- Picnic along the secluded San Mateo Coast
- Picnic or play basketball at the San Francisco Art Institute You will
enjoy a great view of Fisherman's Wharf from the roof top basketball
court and cafe
- Plant a tree for a school
- Play cards
- Play Frisbee
- Play With Dogs
- Play with people’s dogs at the beach and hide dog kibble in your socks
- Practice Kissing
- Punch in “Parks” on your GPS and see where it takes yourself
- Refinish furniture together
- Relax and enjoy the cool ocean breeze at any beach during the summer
- Rent a houseboat on Shasta Lake Get a tan or go fishing
- Rent A Movie
- Ride your bike in affluent Woodside, Atherton or Hillsborough
- Say hi to ex-Mayor's Ron Gonzales of San José, Willie Brown of San
Francisco or Jerry Brown of Oakland What are they up to this year?
- See a painting by Frida Kahlo at the San Francisco Museum of Modern
Art
- See a special performance or contemporary art at Villa Montalvo in
Monte Sereno
- See a Stanford or California football game
- See art or picnic at the Yerba Buena Center in San Francisco
- See Chicano Art at Galeria de La Raza in San Francisco
- See lowriders, Banda dancers, and much more, at the enormous San José
Cinco de Mayo
- See motorcycle or auto races at Laguna Seca
- See Teatro Campesino perform La Posada in San Juan Bautista
- See the Cleveland and San José Ballet perform Take in a symphony,
opera or ballet in San Francisco, San José or Oakland
- See the fish at San Francisco's Steinhart Aquarium
- See the Forty-niners play football in SF
- See the giant redwoods and amp at Big Basin State Park
- See the giant redwoods in Big Basin Park near San José
- See the San José Sharks (NHL)
- See the sea lions at the Pier in San Francisco
- See the sea otters and sea lions play at Cannery Row in Monterey
- Shoot pool
- Shop and play in Capitola
- Shop at Bloomingdale's near Stanford University and observe the
yuppies
- Shop at San Francisco's Goodwill or Sak's Fifth Avenue stores
- Shop at Santana Row and make up stories about couples
- Shop in the Castro, Haight Ashbury, Mission, Noe Valley, Pacific
Heights, Marina or any of the unique districts of San Francisco and
watch the posers
- Shop or eat in San Francisco's Chinatown
- Sit in a sidewalk cafe and pretend to be a hipster or beatnik
- Sneak into Google and Facebook and eat all the free food
- Snuggle
- Soak in the bathtub
- Stop by the tranquil Hakone Japanese Gardens near Saratoga
- Stroll along secluded Agate beach in Bolinas
- Swing on each of the swing-sets on top of every hill in SF (This is
one on each – Find them)
- Take a cable car ride in San Francisco
- Take a charter boat-fishing trip out of Santa Cruz, San Francisco,
Monterey, Half Moon Bay or Berkeley
- Take a dip and enjoy a massage at one of the many hot tubs in Santa
Cruz like the Well Within
- Take a Red and White boat tour of the San Francisco Bay
- Take a short walk to the Haight Ashbury District near Golden Gate Park
- Take a train to the Train Museum in Sacramento and back again
- Take an extension class at one of the many colleges in the Bay Area
- Take CalTrain from San José to San Francisco and back
- Take in Japanese Culture at the San José Obon festival Bring a fan and
kimono and join the dance and procession
- Take photos in secluded Bodega Bay
- Take the Ferry to Sausalito
- Take time for a leisurely coffee or lunch in Santa Cruz's Pacific
Garden Mall
- Test Drive Exotic Cars
- Tour the wine country and have some beer
- Try an open mic nightlife
- Try Harmonica Playing
- Try Massage with Feathers
- Try the Paddleboats in Golden Gate Park
- Visit Alaska
- Visit Angel Island in San Francisco Bay
- Visit Antique Stores
- Visit California's most beautiful Mission in Carmel
- Visit Dee Harley and play with the Baby goats at Harley Farms
- Visit Golden Gate Park
- Visit Point Reyes
- Visit Sanborn Park
- Visit the dramatic shoreline of Carmel
- Visit the Green Gulch Zen Center near Mill Valley Walk from there to
the gardens to the beach where Alan Watts lived
- Visit the KPFA (lefty) studios in Berkeley
- Visit the San José Rose Garden (Before San José evolved to become the
heart of Silicon Valley it was called the Garden City)
- Visit upscale galleries in downtown Carmel or San Francisco
- Volunteer to walk pets at the SPCA
- Walk by the Boats In Sausalito and see Carla Fiorini’s chrome boat
crane on her boat
- Walk down the Napier Lane steps
- Watch for Bobby the Bobcat on Mt Tam and the glider point
- Watch out for firecrackers at San Francisco's Chinese New Years Parade
- Watch the Giants play baseball at the new Pac Bell Park in San
Francisco
- Watch the Oakland Raiders play football at the Oakland Coliseum
- Wear formal wear to an informal event or just walk around Union Square
in a tux like you are going to some big deal event
- While in San Francisco, get to the corner of Cole and Carl by taking
the "N" Judah trolley from downtown
...and that was with just a few friends discussing ideas. You can come
up with a list this big for your town...just use your imagination.
THE BIG M: TYING THE KNOT
Of all the decisions you make in your life, few are as important as who
you choose to marry or live with. Make a bad choice and you can spend
your days and nights mired in unhappiness or consumed by anxiety or
depression, conditions that not only rob your mental health but
undermine your physical health as well.
So, do yourself a big favor and make sure you choose a mate wisely. Yes,
you need some basic relationship skills like communication, problem
solving and conflict resolution. But, you also need a partner who’s
willing to engage in all of them with you and create what most of us
want more than anything -- a sense of closeness to someone else.
As you grow to know someone you determine what you can and can’t trust.
You also rely on him/her to meet certain needs. As time goes by, you
develop some level of commitment. And finally, in a romantic
relationship, there is sexual chemistry, which prompts touch.
These are the five bonding forces that form the glue of your
relationship, he stresses. And, here’s the catch -- they must grow
together in a balanced way. You must keep your heart and your head in
harmony. So you never let one of the five forces too far ahead of your
progress in any of the others
Of all the decisions you make in your life, few are as important as who
you choose to marry or live with. Make a bad choice and you can spend
your days and nights mired in unhappiness or consumed by anxiety or
depression, conditions that not only rob your mental health but
undermine your physical health as well.
You might be consigned to economic instability or subjected to physical
or verbal abuse. Or you might find yourself struggling as a single
parent. The consequences of a poor choice, and of marital
dissatisfaction or even disruption, are far-reaching, extending even to
the next generation.
There is, ladies and gentlemen, a science of mate selection, as it’s
known in the psych biz. Relationships are not mysterious entities that
enter your life through a magical flash of lightning sometimes called
“chemistry.” That, folks, has nothing to do with the ability to form an
enduring bond.
Love isn’t blind at all. Healthy relationships are in fact built on
love, trust, commitment, intimacy and attachment.
A relationship begins with knowing someone, and the state of what you
know controls the other dynamics. Your knowledge of someone grows with
mutual self-disclosure and diverse experiences together, shared together
over time. It’s important to see the way your partner functions in a
variety of settings -- with friends, with family, with bosses and
coworkers, with strangers, with children.
There are five crucial areas to deeply explore and come to know during
the dating process:
Family background and childhood dynamics.
Attitudes and actions of the conscience and maturity.
The scope of your compatibility potential.
The examples of other relationship patterns.
Strength of relationship skills. These are the areas that best
predict what a person will be like as a spouse and parent. Using this
approach, Van Epp insists, you can follow your heart without losing your
mind.
Conflicts in the Relationships
Have you ever had a disagreement or misunderstanding with your spouse?
If you’re truthful, the answer will most certainly be "Yes!". Conflict
in relationships is inevitable. Even the best relationships experience
conflict from time to time. The key to success in relationships is how
couples handle their conflicts and differences.
About half of all relationships in the United States end in divorce. It
is obvious that many people do not get married and live "happily ever
after." However, relationships continues to be an important goal for
most Americans. In fact, over 90 percent of adults will get married at
least once in their lifetime. Most spouses start out full of hopes and
dreams and are truly committed to making their relationships work. Yet
as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets in and the
pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic and do not
find as much satisfaction in their relationships. All relationships
change over time. But with hard work and dedication, people can keep
their relationships strong and enjoyable. How is it done? What does it
take to create a long-lasting, satisfying relationships?
A volume of research indicates that most successful relationships share
some key characteristics. This guide will explore these in detail. It
will also focus on marital conflict and the skills needed to handle it
effectively. Finally, the guide will discuss ways that spouses can
strengthen their relationships.
Characteristics of happy and satisfying relationships
Consider the positive aspects of your relationships. What are you doing
that works well and brings you and your spouse joy and happiness? If you
have a satisfying relationships, chances are that your relationship has
high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and
respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have
found to be common in successful relationships. Let's look at each of
these factors.
Positivity
John Gottman, one of the nation's leading experts on marital
relationships, has found that the main difference between stable and
unstable relationships is the amount of positive thoughts and actions
spouses engage in toward each other. Through careful observation of
hundreds of couples, he has come to the conclusion that successful
spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is
too much negativity — criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding
grudges, etc. — the relationship will suffer. However, if there is never
any negativity, it probably means that frustrations and grievances are
not getting air time and unresolved tension is accumulating inside one
or both partners. The key is balance between the two extremes. There are
many ways to foster positivity in a relationships. Being affectionate,
truly listening to each other, taking joy in each other's achievements
and being playful are just a few examples of positive interactions that
help make relationships successful.
Empathy
Another characteristic of happy relationships is empathy. Empathy means
understanding a person's perspective by putting oneself in his or her
shoes. Many researchers have shown that empathy is important for
relationship satisfaction. People are more likely to feel good about
their relationships and spouse if their partner expresses empathy
towards them. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships
when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts
and feelings.
Commitment
Successful relationships involve both spouses' commitment to the
relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their
relationships work, despite the unavoidable challenges and obstacles
that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship that lasts.
In most Western cultures, individualism is highly valued. Individualism
focuses on the needs and fulfillment of the self. Being attentive to
one's own needs is important, but if it is not balanced by a concern for
the needs of others, it can easily lead to selfishness in relationships.
Husbands and wives who only focus on themselves and their own desires
are not as likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships.
However, when spouses are committed to investing in their relationships
and are willing to sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good
of the relationship, they usually have high-quality relationships.
Acceptance
One of the most basic needs in a relationship is acceptance. Everyone
wants to feel valued and respected. When people feel that their spouses
truly accept them for who they are, they are usually more secure and
confident in their relationships. Often, there is conflict in
relationships because partners cannot accept the individual preferences
of their spouses and try to demand change from one another. When one
person tries to force change from another, he or she is usually met with
resistance. However, research has shown that change is much more likely
to occur when spouses respect differences and accept each other
unconditionally. Basic acceptance is vital to a happy relationships.
Mutual love and respect
Perhaps the most important components of successful relationships are
love and respect for each other. This may seem very obvious — why would
two people get married who did not love and respect each other? The fact
is, as time passes and life becomes increasingly complicated, the
relationships often suffers as a result. It is all too easy for spouses
to lose touch with each other and neglect the love and romance that once
came so easily. It is vital that husbands and wives continue to
cultivate love and respect for each other throughout their lives. If
they do, it is highly likely that their relationships will remain happy
and satisfying.
Managing conflict
Have you ever experienced a disagreement, difference of opinion, or
misunderstanding with your spouse? If you answer truthfully, the answer
will almost certainly be, "Yes, of course." Conflict in relationships is
inescapable. All marital relationships — even the best ones — will
experience at least some conflict from time to time. However, many
people are successful and happy in their relationships, despite the
conflicts that arise. The key to their success is how they handle their
conflicts and disagreements. This section will explore many issues
related to conflict, such as common areas of contention in
relationships, gender differences in communication styles, and the
importance of proper management of conflict. It will also discuss skills
for handling conflict and how to solve problems in relationships.
More on common areas of conflict
Although all relationships are different, spouses frequently experience
several common areas of conflict. Here are brief descriptions of some
typical issues that spark conflict in relationships.
Money
Regardless of the amount of money a couple has, it is often the biggest
source of marital conflict. Husbands and wives often have very diverse
ideas about how money should be handled because they have experienced
different family values and goals regarding money. Potential
disagreements about money include how to spend it, how much to save and
who should be responsible for paying the bills. It is important for
spouses to discuss their values and feelings about money so each partner
can try to understand the other. Constructing a budget and financial
planning often require negotiation and compromise, but they are
important tasks and aid spouses in identifying their priorities and
goals for the future.
In-laws
Conflicts over in-laws are usually most problematic in the first years
of relationships. A common issue that arises is one partner feeling that
his or her in-laws are too critical or intrusive. Husbands and wives may
disagree about the length and frequency of their parents' visits. Some
people may also feel that their spouse is too dependent upon his or her
parents. All of these in-law issues can trigger conflict within the
family. Spouses can deal with in-law problems by sharing their feelings
and discussing what kind of relationship they would like with their
in-laws. It is important to avoid being accusatory and speaking
critically of one's in-laws, especially during such talks. Expressing
negativity towards in-laws tends to worsen the situation because it
alienates spouses from each other and promotes defensiveness.
Sex
Sex is an emotion-filled issue and many spouses are afraid of getting
hurt or rejected by their partners in this area. Thus, people frequently
avoid discussing their feelings and expectations about sex. Even when
partners do talk about sexuality issues, they are often embarrassed and
speak indirectly about their feelings. These patterns can lead to
conflict in the marital relationship. Difficulties with sex often
reflect problems in other areas of the relationships as well. In order
for couples to resolve conflicts about sexual matters, it is crucial
that they communicate directly and specifically about their needs and
desires. Many people feel very vulnerable in this area, so it is
important that the discussion be done in a gentle, loving manner.
Children
Child rearing is a time-consuming task that requires huge amounts of
energy. It's easy for spouses to become frustrated with each other over
this issue. Husbands and wives often have conflicting views about how to
parent because they were raised differently. Agreement about the best
way to raise children may not always be possible, so it is necessary
that spouses learn to compromise and negotiate in this area. Whatever
decisions and rules parents make, it is important that they be united in
front of their children. Otherwise, the children will learn to play one
parent off the other, further contributing to marital disharmony.
Gender differences in conflict
Due to a combination of social and biological factors, men and women
have different styles of interacting and handling conflict. Women raise
concerns and problems far more often than men do. Men are more likely to
avoid conflict and downplay the strong emotions that they feel inside.
When men close down and suppress their feelings, women often become more
insistent that they discuss the issues that have been raised. At this
point, however, men only want to withdraw further. These different ways
of interacting can lead to frustration and misunderstandings.
In order to overcome frustration with communication styles, it is
essential that both husbands and wives improve their methods of dealing
with conflict. Wives need to make sure that they bring up issues gently
and in a positive, non-confrontational manner. A soft, gentle approach
in introducing a topic for discussion usually has a greater chance of
leading to a satisfactory solution for both partners. Husbands need to
respond to their wives' concerns and complaints in a respectful manner.
They can learn to recognize when their wives need to talk and take a
more active role in resolving issues instead of withdrawing. It is each
partner's responsibility to respect and honor his or her spouse and make
an effort to communicate as effectively as possible.
The importance of managing conflict well
Although some conflict is unavoidable, it is critical that spouses
manage their differences in constructive ways. There are several reasons
for this. First, if husbands and wives do not handle conflict
effectively, it is likely that negativity will increasingly become part
of their relationship. As unresolved conflict and negativity grow in a
relationships, the good aspects of the relationship often diminish and
partners become disenchanted with each other. Second, research has shown
that, when spouses are unhappy in their relationships, they tend to
experience more physical and emotional problems than do happily married
couples. People who are satisfied with their relationships even tend to
live longer than those in unhappy relationships.
This finding leads to a third reason why it is important for spouses to
manage their conflict well. A strong and satisfying relationships
establishes a firm foundation from which spouses can function. When the
quality of relationships is positive and supportive, partners can better
attend to their personal responsibilities and obligations. A strong
relationships also provides people with a greater opportunity to develop
their personalities and talents than does an unhappy union. Although
relationships requires a considerable amount of time and effort, it is
crucial that partners care for their own needs and development as well.
They can best do this when the relationship is warm and encouraging and
they know how to handle marital conflict effectively.
Finally, it is essential that spouses practice good conflict management
skills for the sake of their children. Conflict and hostility are
extremely harmful to children's well-being. Many studies have shown that
marital conflict leads to poor outcomes in children, such as decreased
self-esteem, greater stress and anxiety, low achievement at school and
behavioral problems. Conversely, spouses who support each other and have
peaceful relationships are more likely to have well-adjusted, competent
children. However, an unhappy relationships should not be preserved
solely for the children's sake. Children in two-parent families marked
by a lot of conflict often fare worse than those in families that have
undergone a peaceful divorce. Whatever the situation, it is important
that spouses learn to manage their disagreements effectively and control
the amount of conflict in their relationship. This will help foster the
well-being of themselves and their children.
Skills for handling conflict
Because managing conflict is so important, it is essential that you
practice certain skills that will enable you to handle conflict well.
The following sections highlight some of the skills needed for dealing
with differences and disagreements effectively.
Open communication
Good communication can be difficult at times — especially during
conflict. People often hear a different message than what the speaker
intended. There are several possible reasons for this. First, spouses
are often preoccupied with their own concerns or are preparing a
rebuttal and do not really listen to what their partners are saying.
Second, spouses may perceive their partners' messages negatively if they
are tired or in a bad mood. Finally, different styles of communicating
can also result in misunderstandings.
Partners can learn to communicate better by developing more effective
ways of speaking and listening. It is important to take turns in a
conversation so each can have the opportunity to express his or her
thoughts and ideas. The person talking should focus on his own feelings
and not attempt to read his partner's mind. He should also be positive
and avoid making accusations or criticizing his spouse. The person
listening needs to be aware of her body language. Eye rolling, negative
facial expressions and crossing one's arms may signal disapproval to the
person who is speaking. Even if the listener does not agree with what
her partner is saying, she needs to make an attempt to understand his
viewpoint and be respectful. Showing genuine interest in someone's
feelings and refraining from giving unsolicited advice go a long way in
creating an atmosphere that is conducive to positive communication.
Ideas for effective marital communication
• When your spouse talks to you, try to understand
what he or she is feeling.
• Give your partner both verbal and nonverbal
feedback so he or she will know that you have understood what he or she
meant.
• Be aware of the nonverbal messages you send when
someone is talking to you, such as facial expressions or body posture.
These can be very powerful!
• Refrain from voicing judgmental comments and
jumping to conclusions before your partner is done speaking.
• Show respect for your spouse's perspective, even if
you do not agree with it.
• Take the time to really listen when your spouse
needs to talk. Doing this will help him or her feel that you value his
or her opinions and ideas.
• When you need to have an important discussion,
remove distractions as much as possible so you can talk with each other
more easily. For example, take a walk outside in order to get away from
the telephone or talk in your bedroom where the children will not
interrupt.
• Communicate clearly and directly so your partner
will have a greater opportunity to understand you.
• When you are speaking, focus on expressing your own
feelings, not trying to guess what your partner is thinking.
Controlling negative thoughts
The way a person treats others usually reflects the kinds of thoughts he
or she has about them. This pattern holds true for spouses, especially
during times of conflict. When partners focus on each other's
shortcomings and weaknesses, they often fall prey to having negative
thoughts about each other. This negative thinking makes it more likely
that they will treat each other unkindly.
Suppose a wife comes home from work at the end of a long, hard day in a
bad mood. Her husband is in the kitchen making dinner and calls out,
"How was your day?" Instead of responding to his question, the wife
snaps at him for having left his coat and briefcase on the kitchen
table. How might the husband react? If he is in the habit of thinking
positively about his wife and giving her the benefit of the doubt, he
may think, "She must have had a really hard day." He might stop what he
is doing and give his wife his full attention so he could try to find
out what is really bothering her. However, if the husband takes offense
at his wife's complaint and thinks, "Here I am, cooking dinner, and all
she can do is criticize me," he will be more likely to respond
negatively to his wife's complaint and further escalate the conflict.
Research supports these ideas about the power of one's thoughts.
Relationships researchers have determined that stable relationships have
more positive than negative interactions, while the opposite is true for
unstable unions. Because negative interactions are often fueled by one's
thoughts, negative thinking can have a significant impact upon a
relationship. Therefore, because the substance of a person's thoughts is
often a powerful determinant of his actions, it is very important for
spouses to control the way they think about each other. Husbands and
wives can do this during times of conflict by focusing on the
troublesome issue instead of their partner's flaws. By keeping their
feelings about the issue and their spouse separate, it is more likely
that they will manage conflict better and have a healthier relationship.
Forgiveness
Because there will be hurt feelings and conflict from time to time in
every relationships, it is very important that spouses forgive each
other when arguments and disagreements occur. Forgiveness enables
partners to stay emotionally connected and keep their relationships
positive. If people want their relationships to grow and become
stronger, they must be willing to forgive their spouses whenever
necessary. When spouses do not forgive each other, remain bitter and
hold grudges, they often experience physical and emotional problems.
Thus, forgiveness is important to the individual health of each partner
as well as to the health of the relationship!
Problem solving
All couples will encounter problems in their relationships that will
require problem solving skills. At these times, it is very important
that the spouses work together as a team, instead of insisting on their
point of view and working against each other. It is crucial to
understand problems before attempting to solve them. Problem solving is
a much smoother process when spouses have discussed the issue thoroughly
and each partner feels understood. Surprisingly, research has shown that
after a good discussion about a troublesome issue, most people are so
satisfied that there is no need to come up with a solution to the
problem. Usually, people just want the opportunity to express themselves
and feel as if they have really been understood.
Of course, many problems still need to be resolved, even after open,
productive discussion. Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, a team of
prominent relationships researchers, have identified an effective
process for solving problems.
• It helps to set a specific time to work on the
problem so that partners can mentally and emotionally prepare. During
the meeting, spouses should think of as many solutions to the problem as
possible, ruling out nothing until all possible solutions have been
presented.
• The next step is to choose the solution, or
combination of solutions, that will best solve the problem. It is likely
that negotiation and compromise will be necessary at this step of the
problem solving process.
• After testing the chosen solution for an agreed
upon length of time, it is important for spouses to discuss the solution
and whether the problem is being solved adequately. If not, adjustments
should be made.
Not every issue that arises will require such an extensive problem
solving process, but these steps can help couples solve their problems
in a calm, controlled manner.
Changing oneself first
It is common for husbands and wives to overlook their own weaknesses and
focus instead on the faults of their spouse. In some relationships, one
person feels that his or her partner is the cause of their marital
problems and the only one who really needs to change in order for the
relationship to improve. This may occasionally be true. However, in the
vast majority of relationships, both partners make a contribution to the
conflict and problems that arise.
It is crucial that spouses realize that the only person's behavior they
can control is their own. In relationships, it is typical for partners
to become annoyed or irritated with what they perceive to be their
spouses' personal shortcomings, unusual habits and weaknesses. For
example, a wife may feel upset because her husband arrives home from
work late on a regular basis. Or, the husband may resent how his wife
cuts him off in the middle of conversations. Frustration over
shortcomings such as these often builds over time, motivating people to
insist that their partners change. However, people usually end up
discovering that their demands are not granted and their efforts to
change their partners have failed.
Instead of trying to compel each other to change, it is more effective
for partners to honestly assess themselves and think about what they can
do to make the relationship better. Considering the contributions they
make to disagreements and trying to overcome their own weaknesses will
accomplish far more than dwelling on their spouse's faults. When
husbands and wives stop trying to change each other and instead shift
their attention to improving their own behavior, they will likely be
more content, even if their partner continues to do the things that they
do not like
When spouses choose to make changes in themselves first, regardless of
what their partner does, they are often surprised to find that the
overall quality of their relationship improves dramatically. In an ideal
situation, of course, both spouses continually strive to improve
themselves and overcome their weaknesses. However, one spouse is often
more committed to self-improvement than the other, at least for a while.
Nevertheless, even if the other person does not feel a need to change
himself or herself, the relationships will likely improve through the
efforts of the one trying to change.
Strengthening the marital relationship
Although it is important for spouses to learn how to resolve
differences, having a good relationships requires more than just being
able to manage conflict effectively. What else is needed to create a
strong and satisfying relationships? Recent research has shown that the
most satisfied spouses have relationships based on good friendship.
Nurturing the positive aspects of the marital relationship on a regular
basis is also important. This final section will highlight ways in which
husbands and wives can strengthen their relationships, including being
good friends, performing daily acts of kindness, sharing enjoyable times
and creating family traditions.
Remain good friends
Many people say that having a friendship with their spouse is an
important goal of their relationships. Life usually becomes more
complicated as relationships progresses. If a marital relationship is
not built upon a solid foundation of friendship, it may become more
difficult for partners to stay connected over time. It is also easy for
spouses to become less polite and respectful to each other as time
passes because they feel more comfortable with each other. However,
spouses who remain good friends throughout life usually find much more
enjoyment and satisfaction in their relationship.
There are many things spouses can do to keep their friendship alive.
• Set aside a specific time each day to talk and
reconnect. In some relationships, spouses stop confiding in each other
and stop having stimulating discussions, only to later discover that
they do not know each other very well anymore. All people change over
time, and partners need to continue to learn about each other's
thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
• Another way to maintain friendship in relationships
is to have weekly "dates." Dates allow spouses to spend time along
together, which can be especially important if they have children.
Partners can also build friendship by trying to avoid conflict during
"couple times," making the time spent together more enjoyable and
memorable.
How to be best friends
• Talk.
• Hold hands.
• Go for walks.
• Dance.
• Play games.
• Work on a mutual project together.
• Plan little surprises for each other.
• Laugh together.
• Compliment each other often.
• Create memories together.
• Leave unexpected notes of praise.
• Develop signals that say "I love you."
• Go on a date.
• Say "thank you" for little kindnesses.
• Talk about your dreams.
• Listen to music.
• Say "I love you."
• Remember birthdays and anniversaries.
• Have a candlelight dinner.
• Go for an evening or afternoon drive.
Perform daily acts of kindness
Another way for couples to strengthen their relationships is to express
fondness and concern for each other on a daily basis. Showing kindness
in little ways is important for several reasons. First, it enables
spouses to increase their love for each other and become better friends.
It also keeps little annoyances from being blown out of proportion,
which helps the relationship stay strong. Daily acts of kindness can
also promote the growth of romance in the relationships. When many
people think about romance, they envision going away for a weekend to
celebrate their anniversary or receiving a dozen roses. Instances such
as these are certainly romantic. However, John Gottman has found that
true romance is best preserved when partners frequently respect and care
for each other in ordinary ways.
There is an endless variety of little things spouses can do to show
thoughtfulness to each other on a daily basis. A few examples include
writing love notes or sending special e-mail messages, helping each
other with a project and preparing a favorite breakfast. It is important
that spouses do not take for granted the power of such actions.
Performing small, simple acts of kindness regularly can have a dramatic
impact upon the quality of one's relationships.
Share enjoyable times
Most relationships start out with a lot of emphasis on dating and having
fun together. After they get married, many spouses become busier and
stop making special times a priority. However, it is very important for
partners to take the time to enjoy their relationship
Research has shown that the amount of fun time spouses spend together is
a major factor in the happiness of their relationships. Sharing
enjoyable times prevents people from getting bored with their
relationships and helps rejuvenate them when they are very busy and
preoccupied with other cares and concerns.
In order for spouses to increase the amount of enjoyment in their
relationship, it is likely that they will have to deliberately plan
leisure time into their schedules. Planning and scheduling goes a long
way in ensuring that the activity will actually happen and not be shoved
aside by a more pressing matter. Spouses can have fun together in simple
ways, such as going on picnics, taking walks, laughing together and
having long talks. They can also plan more extensive times for pleasure,
such as all-day outings or vacations. It does not matter what the
activity is, as long as it allows both partners to relax and enjoy each
other's company.
Create family traditions
Observing family traditions and rituals is another way spouses can
strengthen their relationships. Traditions and rituals serve many
important functions in families. First, they enable husbands and wives
to figure out what is important to them and their relationship. They
also give meaning and predictability to relationships and families.
Rituals help couples recharge themselves from the stresses of everyday
life and increase the amount of intimacy in their relationships. A
relationships that is marked by many traditions and rituals is often
richer and more purposeful than those that are not.
There are many ways to incorporate traditions and rituals into the
marital relationship.
• Having a private conversation at the end of each
day is one common ritual observed by many spouses.
• Going on a weekly date is another typical
relationships ritual. However, traditions and rituals can be less formal
than these examples. In fact, many relationships include traditions and
rituals of which the spouses may be unaware.
• Kissing each other goodbye each morning, talking on
the phone during lunch and taking walks on a regular basis are all
examples of less obvious rituals.
• Many spouses also have rituals connected to special
days, such as Valentine's Day and wedding anniversaries.
These traditions enable them to reaffirm their love and devotion to one
another. Whether traditions and rituals in relationships are simple or
elaborate, they are important and give the relationship shared meaning
and significance.
Equal Opportunity
Our Relationships prohibits discrimination against any individual on the
basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, physical or
mental disability, sexual orientation, or because of marital, parental,
or veteran status. This policy extends to all rights, privileges,
programs and activities, including housing, employment, admissions,
financial assistance, and educational and athletic programs. Our
Relationships recognizes that non-discrimination does not ensure that
equal opportunity is a reality for all friends, applicants for
employment, and acquaintances. Because of this, the Relationship will
continue to take affirmative action to ensure that friends and
acquaintances alike are treated equally during their employment and/or
matriculation.
Our Relationships strongly encourages minority group members, veterans,
disabled individuals, and women to apply for positions for which they
are qualified and that are of interest to them.
Boundary Issues:
Using Boundary Intelligence To Get the Intimacy You Want and the
Independence You Need in Life, Love, And Work, by Jane Adams, PhD:
• Define To Ourselves and Articulate To the Other
What Our Own Boundary Style Is:
• Identify How That Affects Ours and the other
person’s perceptions of priorities made and boundaries drawn in context
of the relationship.
1. Awareness: Why? Have boundaries; why have defined
or NOT defined them?
2. Insight: understand what are our own and others’
impulses, desires, and decisions are and utilize knowledge to relieve
internal and external conflict between us.
3. Intention: Why blurring of boundaries, lack of
definition, how does the intention or lack of intention affect our
relationship?: Develop strategy to resolve conflict: Need to compromise
to share losses and future gains together for health of relationship
4. Action: Implement Course of Action
• Man would identify by agreed on period if he is
serious
• Based on that, he would cease dating activities or
anything else that might give impression that she is not important.
• Activities Include:
• Man would see women on an as-needed business basis
in any setting that is prudent and does not violate the relationships.
• In event that business requires one-on-one meetings
to be held in traditional office during normal business hours.
How this policy applies to meeting strangers in public or service
providers: financial planners, real estate, friends? Employees that you
would inevitably hire and inadvertently develop a crush on you
• Being civil and friendly is the norm.
• Differentiate business prospects from flirtations;
If you like public flirtations, you’re not ready for a truly serious
relationship in my opinion.
• If they ask you personal questions, inquire about
their boyfriend or husband, tell them you have a serious girlfriend and
are happy, even if I made you miserable that day.
• Steer conversation away from personal chatter.
How Does This Policy Apply To Women He Already Knows?
• Communications With women, if he is serious would
be business related only.
• Sexual suggestively or flirtatious communications,
phone calls, conversations, jokes, or e-mail are out of bounds to either
receive or to send.
• If he has been the object of this behavior by an
acquaintance and they have no significant business production, he would
cut them out of his social circle.
• He should not be in proximity of a woman whereas
she would be able and close enough to touch him in a suggestive
manner. (Physical Boundary)
• He should not be in any conversation either in the
phone or in person to a point that he can be propositioned (or
boundaries have not been set either with the person or in the
conversation).
Pre-Nuptial Terms
If the idea of bringing up a prenup seems uncomfortable…you are not
alone. Many people carry preconceived notions (and baggage) about
prenups (prenuptial agreements also known as premarital agreements).
However, more and more couples are using the prenup process to stimulate
important conversations about how they define and safeguard their
marital union (lifestyle, roles, financial responsibility).While prenups
have received a lot of public and media attention lately, many people
still don't understand their value. Not convinced yet? Read on.
Why?
Bringing up the subject of a prenuptial agreement can be a great way to
learn more about your expectations, dreams and hopes. By starting down
this communication path now, you are well on your way to creating a
mutually fulfilling partnership. Whether you have high assets or are
just starting out, have children or don't, there are dozens of reasons a
prenup is beneficial to you and your spouse. Here are just a few:
• To determine how you and your spouse define
equality in your partnership
• To establish the value of non-monetary
contributions to a relationships, such as being a stay at home spouse
and career sacrifices
• To cover your pre-relationships nest egg (such as
your home, pension plan, stock portfolio, or property with emotional
value)
• To protect gifts and inheritances you receive
• To ensure that in the event of death or divorce,
you will avoid difficult disputes over property (such as family
businesses, stock options, professional degrees, licenses and practices,
pension plans, and copyrights)
• To ensure that children from a prior relationships
receive their intended inheritance
• To allocate any pre-relationships
ownership/partnership in a business
• To protect yourself from your partners'
pre-relationships debt, ie credit card debt or prior loans
When?
Sliding a prenup across the dinner table a week before the wedding is
not the appropriate time to bring up this important conversation!
Conversations about concerns, expectations, and responsibilities are
best had early in the relationship. As your relationship gets more
serious, your conversations should get more detailed and specific.
Where?
Where do you normally discuss topics important to your partnership, such
as life goals, finances or family? Find or create a calm, neutral spot
where you will both feel open, at ease and unpressured. Whether it's
your living room sofa, an afternoon walk or a quiet dinner, you'll want
to create an environment where both of you are most comfortable-
mentally and physically.
How?
You've gone through the why, when, and where, now here's the "how". Even
when couples understand the reasons for these relationships contracts,
many aren't sure just how to initiate the discussion. Take a look at
these suggestions to get you started on the "HOW".
• Openly, honestly, directly
• State your specific concerns
• Present an idea to be implemented by the two of you
over time
• Invite discussion about any underlying issues that
arise
• Work out your issues collaboratively
Conversation starters:
"I believe that relationships is a fifty-fifty proposition, and I'm
concerned about giving up my job to become a full-time stay at home
spouse. Can we establish a principle of 50-50 sharing at the outset?"
"Let's talk about our future, what we both want, our lifestyles, our
present and future finances. I want to make sure all our money issues
are addressed and resolved in an agreement. Then we won't have them
hanging over us when we get married."
"One thing I have to consider before I get married is my parents'
business. I need to be confident that the business will remain in the
family in the event the unthinkable occurs."
There's HELP!
Need more help bringing the topic of a prenup up and having the
conversation? This guide will help anyone who is looking to effectively
build a strong and honest long-term relationship.
Prenup No-no's
• Springing a prenup upon your intended
• Presenting the idea of a prenup as a fait accompli
• Suggesting a prenup at the last moment
• Being overbearing or heavy handed
REMEMBER: Don't let a prenup fall to the bottom of your "To Do" list.
The discussions you have revolving around the prenup are conversations
you WILL have once you are married. Getting to know your partner's
position on these important aspects early can help head-off more
difficult discussions during the relationships. If you can't talk about
touchy issues, it doesn't bode well for the relationships.
We agree to sign a prenuptial agreement
The terms will be:
Notice: This free prenuptial agreement form is provided for general
informational purposes. Before you utilize any legal form you find on
the Internet, you should have it reviewed by a lawyer in your
jurisdiction to be sure that it meets your legal needs, and will be held
valid by a court in the jurisdiction where you reside. For best results,
both parties to a prenuptial agreement should be represented by counsel
of their choice, the agreement should be custom-drafted to their
specific circumstances and the law of the jurisdiction in which they
reside, and the prenuptial agreement should be executed at least a month
before the wedding date.
Prenuptial Agreement
This pre-marital agreement is made on this ____ day of ______, 200__,
between ________________ and ________________ .
Whereas the parties intend to marry under the laws of the State of
_______________, and wish to set forth in advance of their relationships
the rights and privileges that each will have in the property of the
other in the event of death, divorce, or other circumstance which
results in the termination of their relationships;
Whereas the parties have made to each other a full and complete
disclosure of their assets, as set forth in Exhibits 1 and 2 to this
agreement;
Whereas both parties have been represented by independent counsel of
their own choosing, and whereas both parties have received a full and
complete explanation of their legal rights, the consequences of entering
into this pre-marital agreement, and the rights they would possess were
it not for their voluntary entry into this agreement; and
Whereas both parties acknowledge that they have read and understand this
agreement, have not been subjected to any form of coercion, duress, or
pressure, and believe this agreement to be fair and to represent their
intentions with regard to their assets and to any estate that shall
result from their relationships;
The parties hereby agree as follows:
1. Each party shall separately retain all of his or
her rights in his or her separate property, as enumerated in Exhibits 1
and 2 to this agreement, free and clear of any claim of the other party,
without regard to any time or effort invested during the course of the
relationships in the maintenance, management, or improvement of that
separate property.
2. At all times, the parties shall enjoy the full
right and authority with regard to their separate property as each would
have had if not married, including but not limited to the right and
authority to use, sell, enjoy, manage, gift and convey the separate
property. Both parties agree to execute any documentation necessary to
permit the other to exercise these rights, provided the act of executing
the documentation does not impose upon them any legal or financial
responsibility for the separate property of the other.
3. The parties agree that each shall be responsible
for any tax obligations associated with their separate property.
4. The parties agree that neither shall contest the
validity or provisions of any will, account, trust agreement, or other
instrument executed by the other which disposes of his or her separate
property or which creates any interest therein in another. To the extent
that such an action would create any right or interest in the separate
property of the other, both parties hereby waive any right in the
property of the other, whether created by statute or common law,
including but not limited to any right to elect against the will of the
other, or to take an intestate share of the other's property. The wife
hereby waives any dower interest in the husband's separate property, and
the husband hereby waives any curtesy interest in the wife's separate
property.
5. In the event of separation or divorce, the parties
shall have no right against each other for division of property existing
of this date.
6. Both parties acknowledge that they possess
sufficient education and job skills to adequately provide for their own
support, and hereby waive any claim to spousal support (alimony) except
in the event that:
i. One of the parties suffers
medical disability and the other remains both employed and physically
able, in which case the disabled party may receive reasonable spousal
support consistent with state law until such time as the disability is
resolved, or the other spouse retires or becomes disabled from working,
either by agreement or by judicial determination;
ii. The parties mutually
agree that one of the parties shall reduce his or her work hours, or
shall refrain from working, in order to care for any children born
during the course of the relationships, in which case, if the parent's
employability is affected by this full or partial withdrawal from
employment, that parent may receive reasonable remedial spousal support
consistent with state law for a period of not more than two years,
either by agreement or judicial determination.
7. In the event of separation or divorce, marital
property acquired after relationships shall remain subject to division,
either by agreement or by judicial determination.
8. This agreement shall be binding and inure to the
benefit of the parties, their successors, assigns, and legal
representatives.
9. Without regard to the location of any property
affected by this agreement, this agreement shall be interpreted and
enforced under the laws of the state of ____________. In the event that
any portion of this agreement shall be held invalid or unenforceable, it
is the intent of the parties that all provisions of this agreement be
regarded as separable, and that all remaining provisions remain in full
force and effect. It is further the desire of the parties that all
provisions of this agreement be considered as evidence of their
intentions by any court, arbitrator, mediator, or other authority which
seeks to divide their estate, and that their intentions be respected
whatever the legal status of this agreement or any of its terms.
10. This Agreement and the exhibits attached hereto
contain the entire agreement of the parties. This Agreement may only be
amended by a written document duly executed by both parties.
Signed this ______________ day of _________________, 20___
_______________________________________
Fiance
_______________________________________
Fiancée
Signed in the presence of:
_______________________________________
Witness
_______________________________________
Witness
[Note- Each witness should sign separately. You may wish to execute the
agreement before a notary public.]
Post-Marital Endorsement
The parties, having entered into this prenuptial agreement in advance of
their wedding, which was held on the ____ day of ________, 200__, hereby
reaffirm that they entered into this agreement voluntarily, free from
coercion, duress, or pressure, with the benefit of the advice of
independent counsel of their own choosing, and continue to believe this
agreement to be fair and to represent their intentions with regard to
their assets and to any estate that shall result from their
relationships.
Signed this ______________ day of _________________, 20___
_______________________________________
Husband
_______________________________________
Wife
Signed in the presence of:
_______________________________________
Witness
_______________________________________
Witness
[Note- Each witness should sign separately. You may wish to execute the
post-nuptial endorsement before a notary public.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships are a challenging endeavor that requires hard work,
determination and discipline. However, as this guide has shown, it also
has the potential to be very rewarding and satisfying. Spouses who seek
to incorporate positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, and mutual
love and respect into their relationship are more likely to have a
fulfilling relationships. Husbands and wives also benefit when they
understand the nature of conflict and know how to manage it
successfully. Finally, when people base their relationships on
friendship, thoughtfulness, fun and traditions, they usually find joy
and happiness in their relationship. Creating a strong and satisfying
relationships is possible, and it is definitely worth the effort!
Personal Awareness Questions:
When you know the answer to every question on here, about each other,
THEN you can probably get married.
These are to be answered live and in-person by both people:
Are you a creature of habit?
Are you a good listener?
Are you adventurous?
Are you afraid to get close?
Are you ambitious?
Are you ambitious?
Are you an “indoors” person?
Are you an artist?
Are you and “outdoors” person?
Are you assertive?
Are you comfortable continuing this relationship if there are things in
my past that I am not willing to share with you?
Are you competitive?
Are you content to stay home and cook?
Are you creative sexually?
Are you creative?
Are you creative?
Are you curious?
Are you dating now?
Are you easy to get to know?
Are you emotionally available?
Are you emotionally available?
Are you extravagant?
Are you Gay? Bi? Straight?
Are you gentle?
Are you good in social situations?
Are you handy?
Are you happy staying home-snuggling-eating popcorn and watching a
movie?
Are you jealous?
Are you looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, lover or husband/wife?
Are you more concerned about being loved or loving?
Are you neat? When do you usually shower?
Are you open minded?
Are you open to meeting and getting to know them?
Are you polite?
Are you predictable?
Are you reliable?
Are you romantic?
Are you romantic?
Are you selfish
Are you self-reliant?
Are you sensitive?
Are you set in your ways – if so are you willing to be flexible or make
changes?
Are you shy about your body?
Are you sincere?
Are you sleeping with anyone now?
Are you sleeping with anyone now?
Are you spontaneous?
Are you spontaneous?
Are you still in touch with any of your childhood friends?
Are you supportive?
Are you thinking about moving in the next few years?
Are you thoughtful, loyal, patient?
Are you thrifty?
Are you touchy feely?
Are you willing and wanting to grow together?
Are you willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement for work purposes?
As a couple, how do you socialize at parties
Can you adapt?
Can you admit when you're wrong?
Can you be alone?
Can you be decadent?
Can you be laid back and put work away for awhile?
Can you be monogamous?
Can you be supportive?
Can you express yourself physically and verbally?
Can you go play during the day? At night? Midweek? Weekends?
Can you handle intensity?
Can you have a monogamous relationship today?
Can you laugh at yourself?
Can you make decisions?
Can you make love but also have raw-hungry sex?
Can you share your thoughts, dreams and desires?
Can you socialize and carry on a conversation with anyone?
Could you talk to me seductively over the phone?
Describe your childhood?
Describe your sense of humor?
Describe your work?
Do they live with you? Ages?
Do you appreciate the simple things in life?
Do you believe in ghosts?
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in the supernatural?
Do you believe that one person can have a productive impact on world
change?
Do you believe that what goes on behind closed doors is okay?
Do you believe there are evil spiritual forces in the
world?
Do you believe we choose our own course in life or is it
preordained?
Do you brush your teeth after eating?
Do you drink alcohol?
Do you drink coffee?
Do you drink daily?
Do you enjoy your work?
Do you expect your future wife to take your last name
Do you face your fears?
Do you feel differently about people that are not as fortunate as
you?
Do you go out to eat a lot?
Do you go to bars?
Do you go to church?
Do you have a best friend?
Do you have a favorite food?
Do you have a favorite time of day for sex and how much is too much?
Do you have a large family?
Do you have a pet? What kind?
Do you have a temper?
Do you have call waiting? If someone calls do you get rid of the person
you were talking to?
Do you have children?
Do you have compassion?
Do you have good manners?
Do you have insomnia?
Do you have unprotected sex?
Do you like a house with lots of sun or kept dark and cave like
Do you like art?
Do you like foreplay?
Do you like going to new restaurants and trying different food?
Do you like going to the movies?
Do you like it cold and use a big down comforter and snuggle or do you
like it warm when you sleep?
Do you like museums, the theater, concerts?
Do you like quickies?
Do you like sex toys?
Do you like soft touch?
Do you like sunsets and sunrises?
Do you like the rain?
Do you like them?
Do you like to argue?
Do you like to be held while sleeping?
Do you like to cook or bake?
Do you like to cuddle?
Do you like to dress up?
Do you like to go alone?
Do you like to kiss?
Do you like to play outside or inside best?
Do you like to putz around the house?
Do you like to read?
Do you like to shower alone?
Do you like to sleep with the windows open
Do you like to travel and explore?
Do you like to watch sports on TV? In person?
Do you like your bedroom dark?
Do you live in a house, condo, apartment, etc?
Do you meet new people easily?
Do you move around allot?
Do you own a car? What kind?
Do you own a computer? MAC or PC?
Do you own a FAX and what is the number?
Do you practice any particular diets or eating habits?
Do you prefer to talk or be quiet during sex?
Do you remain friendly with your ex's?
Do you set goals?
Do you sleep-in on Sundays?
Do you smile easily and often?
Do you smoke at all?
Do you smoke?
Do you Smoke?, If so will you quit?
Do you snore?
Do you snore?
Do you socialize often?
Do you take a shower at night or in the morning on a regular basis?
Do you think alone time is important?
Do you think you have ever truly been in love?
Do you try to find the good in all?
Do you understand and distinguish between the five states of intimacy
(IE: Being sensual, being erotic, having sex, making love, F**ng)?
Do you want a relationship?
Do you want children?
Do you wash you hands before eating?
Do you wear pajamas?
Do you wiggle or kick in your sleep?
Do you work 7 days a week?
Favorite food?
Have you ever been to an analyst, psychiatrist or psychologist? Why?
Have you ever made love outside?
Have you ever paid for sex?
Have you ever seen a double rainbow?
Have you ever slept with someone on the first date?
Have you ever spent all day in bed!?
Have you had a recent STD test since you were with someone? Are you
willing to provide a doctors certificate of HIV/AIDS testing from the
last 30 days if your partner also does?
Have you recently broken up with someone?
Have you seen a green flash at sunset?
How are you at compromising?
How do you feel about a woman having male friends?
How do you feel about being touched?
How do you feel about house cleaners
How do you feel about public affection?
How do you feel about someone that already has children?
How do you feel if views are different?
How do you feel if you have to go to work earlier than your mate and
they get to stay in bed and sleep longer?
How do you feel right now?
How do you look at each new day?
How do you prefer the weather?
How does answering these questions make you feel?
How does fast make you feel?
How does stress affect your lovemaking ability?
How important is it to you that everyone likes you?
How is trust earned?
How late do you usually stay out?
How long has it been since your last significant relationship?
How long have you lived where you live?
How many dates have you ever had?
How many different people have you ever been with sexually?
How many friends do you have in your social circle?
How many parties do you go to in an average month?
How much do you earn per year?
How much is too much to drink?
How much time do you spend on the phone each day?
How much time do you want to spend together – what is too much, what
kind of time together– working, volunteering, socializing, just hanging
out, all of it or some of it.
How often do you change your sheets and towels?
How often do you talk about yourself?
How should who-pays-for-what be allocated when going out?
How would you describe your personality?
I like gentle and sometimes not so gentle-how do you feel about
that?
If we eliminated physical attraction from our relationship,
what would be left?
If you could live anywhere in the world where would that be?
If your mate was sick or stressed, how long go you put up with them
being like that before looking elsewhere?
In what ways?
Is family important to you?
Is religion a part of your life?
Is spirituality a part of your life?
Is there anything sexually you would not do?
Is there anything we have not discussed that concerns you about our
relationship?
Is trust automatic until something occurs that takes it away, or does
evolve over time?
Is your monthly cycle likely to interact with a date or trip we have
planned? Do you have sex during that time of the month?
Jealous?
List three things that really push your buttons?
Name a place you would like to go?
our position on recreational drugs?
Possessive?
Use an adjective to describe how thinking about it makes you feel?
What 3 magazines do you read most?
What angers you?
What are the medical tests and requirements for you to safely have
barrier-free sex?
What are you allergic to?
What are you in the birth order?
What are you most grateful for?
What are you the most frustrated about in your life?
What are your erotic “kinks”?
What are your expenses per year?
What are your favorite clothes to relax in?
What are your favorite TV shows?
What are your feelings about having children?
What are your feelings about relationships?
What are your hobbies: and interests?
What are your sexual needs relative to specific actions or techniques?
What areas do you feel you need to work on?
What can't you tolerate?
What did you like most about me when we first met?
What do you dislike about being single?
What do you expect on a first date?
What do you fear in relationships?
What do you look forward to?
What do you not like about me?
What do you say it is?
What do you think of you and me in a relationship, so far as you can
tell, all other things being equal, based on projection?
What do you value
What do you want-friend-lover-wife-or all of the above?
What do you wear to bed
What do your friends say is your worst habit?
What does being "In Love" mean to you?
What gives you goosebumps?
What happens to us when we die?
What I really want to know is what is your favorite flavor of
ice-cream???
What is and what is not cheating?
What is desire?
What is the best way for me to show that I care for
you?
What is the best way to turn you on?
What is the longest you have worked at one job?
What is the most exciting aspect of your life?
What is the most positive, and negative, relationship experience you
have had?
What is the purpose of your life?
What is you favorite place ion the whole world?
What is you stand on religion and politics?
What is your astrology sign?
What is your bodytype?
What is your ethnicity?
What is your favorite animal?
What is your favorite body of water?
What is your favorite color?
What is your favorite drink?
What is your favorite form of exercise?
What is your favorite pastime?
What is your favorite season?
What is your favorite sport?
What is your favorite surface or texture?
What is your favorite time of day?
What is your favorite way to relax?
What is your idea of a great weekend escape?
What is your personal policy re: homeless people?
What is your political viewpoint?
What is your position on how much money you should be provided with by
your boyfriend of husband each day, week or month?
What is your position on who should pay for what?
What kind of birth control do you use?
What kind of books?
What kind of education did you have?
What kind of intimacy have you been used to on a first date?
What kind of movies do you like?
What kind of music do you like?
What kind of music do you like?
What makes him/her so?
What makes you feel good about being with me?
What makes you feel important?
What makes you feel lonely?
What percent of your ex-mates do you still talk to?
What side of the bed do you sleep on
What sign are you?
What style of clothes do you wear?
What time do you generally get up?
What time do you generally go to bed?
What time do you usually go out at night?
What turns you off sexually?
What was the reason you were terminated from all of the jobs that
terminated you?
What would your friends say is your best quality?
What's your favorite childhood memory?
Where is the most favorite place you've ever been?
Where is your favorite place to get away?
Which do you like best, the beach or mountains?
Who are your heroes?
Would someone's past haunt you or do you think you could let it go?
Would you dance with me in the rain?
Would you go to the gym with me?
Would you go with me to do some volunteering?
Would you like me to dress interestingly for you?
Would you still respect me in the morning if I did something totally
naughty in bed the night before?
Would you switch from morning to night or vice versa?
Would you tell me if I did something you didn't like?
Would you understand if your mate couldn’t sleep if they held you all
night?
Your drinking habits?
FACIAL SYMMETRY AND ONLINE DATING HATE EACH OTHER
Online dating requires a front-on 2D image but our brains are trained to
reject most faces. Here is the problem:
All of these people have stereotypical “yuppie” kinds of “upscale” faces
sought by sorority and fraternity houses at elite colleges. These kinds
of faces are thought, by some, to “keep the line pure”. Other people
think that sort of thinking is nonsense:
So how do you get a date when your subconscious brain is fighting
against you? First, you need to understand the biology of the challenge.
As you see in the report at:
http://www.faceresearch.org/students/notes/symmetry.pdf
Why Are Symmetrical Faces So Attractive?
There is a surprising reason we are drawn toward symmetry, especially in
faces. You are addicted to staring at certain movie star’s faces because
of their “addictive facial symmetry”.
- “Love-At-First-Sight” is almost entirely about your attraction to a
person’s facial symmetry and their practiced use of facially exaggerated
expressions and social face muscle exaggerations.
- Political candidates, movie stars and business executives get their
jobs almost entirely because of their facial symmetry
What constitutes beauty as seen on the internet?
Among cultures and through history, standards of beauty have changed
considerably. At certain times, stoutness was a symbol of wealth and
influence and thus was considered attractive. At other times, hardy
physical fitness was the gold-standard. Different variations
of skin tone, facial hair (men), breast size (women), eye color, hair
texture, color, and style have all experienced wide swings in their
perceived attractiveness at different points in history and in
different places.
Source: Jean Alves/Pexels; RoyalAnwar/Pixabay
When it comes to physical attraction, cultural forces far outweigh
biological ones, but there are a couple of features that seem to cut
through the cultural conditioning and are seen as universally
attractive. (Read about how our brain computes attraction.)
For example, across cultures and times, height is reliably rated as
desirable in men. For women, a low waist-hip ratio is seen as
attractive globally. Of course, these two features are each just one
aspect within a full suite of qualities for a specific person and do not
overpower everything else. However, there is indeed something special
about them simply because they are so universal while most other
"attractive features" are not.
There is another feature that drives perceptions of attractiveness and
does so almost equally among men and women: facial symmetry. Across many
clever experimental designs, researchers have confirmed that we rate
faces that are more symmetrical as more attractive than those with
less symmetry. Like height in males and waist-hip ratio in females,
symmetrical faces are more attractive to people across cultures and
historical times. But where does this biological attraction to facial
symmetry come from? First, we must consider how symmetry develops.
Source: CFF/Wikicommons
Like all vertebrates, humans have bilateral symmetry about the
sagittal plane. For the most part, our right side develops as a mirror
image of our left side. Beginning during embryonic development and
continuing through growth and maturity, the same developmental genes
should be activated in the same cells, at the same time, and with
the same dosage. In the ideal situation, all of that unfolds identically
in the left and right sides of our faces, leading to perfect symmetry
between the two halves.
Of course, in the real world, the tiniest fluctuations in gene
expression and cellular activity lead to small differences between the
two halves of our face. Look closely at your face in the mirror (or a
friend’s face). You can usually see that one eye is slightly larger than
the other. The larger eye is also usually higher. The nostrils usually
show asymmetry in their size and shape as well, and the height and size
of the ears can be surprisingly asymmetric also.
All of this asymmetry adds up to a symmetry score for each human face
and these symmetry scores strongly influence how attractively we rate
faces. Using CGI, researchers can transform an image of a face that most
people rate as highly attractive into one that rates poorly simply
by tweaking the symmetry.
But why do we find symmetrical faces more attractive? The dominant
scientific explanation for the attractiveness of facial symmetry is
sometimes called “Evolutionary Advantage Theory.” If the grand
choreography of developmental gene expression is perfectly executed, the
result is perfect symmetry. Therefore, anything less than perfect
symmetry indicates some kind of dysfunction, however small. If, on one
side of the face, a gene gets expressed too much or too little, in
slightly the wrong place, or a bit early or late, the tissue will take
shape in a slightly different pattern than on the other side. Most of
these small fluctuations result in what is called micro-asymmetry, which
we can’t detect with the naked eye (but which we may be subconsciously
aware of).
However, larger differences in symmetry may indicate issues that have
occurred (or are ongoing) with the growth and development of the
individual. Some factors that are known to affect facial symmetry are
infections, inflammation, allergic reactions, injuries, mutations,
chronic stress, malnourishment, DNA damage, parasites, and genetic
and metabolic diseases. Each of these is a potential handicap
to the success of the individual and possibly his or her offspring.
While the resulting facial asymmetry is probably the least of the
person’s worries, the rest of us respond negatively to it because it
could indicate reduced fitness. Since mating strategies invariably
involve the pursuit of the highest quality mate possible, facial
asymmetry knocks someone down a few pegs in terms of their
attractiveness. This is the currently dominant thinking about why humans
strongly prefer symmetry in each other’s faces.
The preference for symmetrical faces is not limited to sexual attraction
and mate selection. Facial symmetry appears to influence how we
pursue friends and allies as well. Of course, we all want a “high
quality” mate and co-parent of our children, but we also want friends
that are high quality and, dare I say it, high status. It’s an awful
thing about us, but everyone wants to be friends with the rich,
powerful, and popular. This reality has become crystal clear in today’s
society where people can be “famous for being famous,” having produced
essentially nothing of value to anyone and possessing no identifiable
skills, talents, or accomplishments and still somehow be known as an
important “influencer.” I digress.
It's not altogether surprising that we, as a species, would read so much
into faces. We speak face-to-face and we spend a lot of time
looking at each other's faces even when we're not in conversation. We
also have an exceptional degree of diversity in our faces and this
probably comes from the face-centric nature of our social interactions.
In sum, facial symmetry is universally associated with beauty and
attractiveness in both sexes and in sexual and non-sexual contexts. The
most well-supported theory for this is that our species has evolved to
recognize symmetry, if unconsciously, as a proxy for good genes and
physical health. This gives us a tentative answer to the question:
What’s in a face?
While many studies have shown that symmetric faces (e.g. left image
above) are preferred to relatively asymmetric faces (e.g. right image
above), the reason why symmetric faces are preferred is controversial.
The Evolutionary Advantage view proposes that symmetric faces are
preferred because symmetric individuals are particularly healthy. The
Perceptual Bias view, however, proposes that symmetric faces are
preferred because symmetric stimuli of any kind are more easily
processed by the visual system than their asymmetric counterparts.
Which version of this guy is more attractive to you?:
A “Super Hot” yuppie girl is never going to pick a guy without a
symmetrical yuppie face because society has spent decades of social
programming her to reject any guy without a yuppie symmetry. Modern
dating site prep software, though, can adjust your photos in order to
make your face symmetrical.
Symmetry is one aspect of faces that has been extensively studied by
many researchers in relation to attractiveness. The most common method
used to investigate the effect symmetry has on the attractiveness of
faces involves manipulating the symmetry of face images using
sophisticated computer graphic methods and assessing the effect that
this manipulation has on perceptions of the attractiveness of the faces.
Typically, perfectly symmetric versions of a set of face images are
manufactured and presented to subjects along with the original (i.e.
relatively asymmetric versions). Participants are then asked to indicate
which face is more attractive, choosing between a perfectly symmetric
version of a given face and the original version. Because the faces used
in these tests differ in symmetry but not in other facial
characteristics, these findings demonstrate that symmetry is a visual
cue for attractiveness judgements of faces. Although studies have
generally shown that people prefer symmetric versions of faces to the
original (i.e. relatively asymmetric) versions, there has been
considerable debate about why people prefer symmetric faces.
Two different explanations have been put forward by researchers to
explain attraction to symmetric faces: the Evolutionary Advantage view
(which proposes that symmetric individuals are attractive because they
are particularly healthy) and the Perceptual Bias view (which proposes
that symmetric individuals are attractive because the human visual
system can process symmetric stimuli of any kind more easily than it can
process asymmetric stimuli).
The Evolutionary Advantage view proposes that symmetric faces are
attractive because symmetry indicates how healthy an individual is:
while our genes are such that we are designed to develop symmetrically,
disease and infections during physical development cause small
imperfections (i.e. asymmetries). Thus, only individuals who are able to
withstand infections (i.e. those with strong immune systems) are
successful in developing symmetric physical traits. Indeed, some (but
not all) findings from studies of health in humans and many animal
species have observed such a relationship between symmetry and
indicators of health, with healthier individuals being more symmetric.
For example, swallows and peacocks with symmetric tail feathers are
particularly healthy and preferred by potential mates. Under the
Evolutionary Advantage view of symmetry preferences, symmetric
individuals are considered attractive because we have evolved to prefer
healthy potential mates.
While the Evolutionary Advantage view suggests that attraction to
symmetric individuals reflects attraction to healthy individuals who
would be good mates (i.e. will have healthy offspring), the Perceptual
Bias view of symmetry preferences makes a very different claim. Our
visual system may be ‘hard wired’ in such a way that it is easier to
process symmetric stimuli than it is to process asymmetric stimuli.
Because of this greater ease of processing symmetric stimuli, symmetric
stimuli of any kind might be preferred to relatively asymmetric stimuli.
Under the perceptual bias view, preferences for symmetric faces are no
different to preferences for symmetric objects of any kind. Indeed, it
has been shown that people prefer symmetric pieces of abstract art and
sculpture to relatively asymmetric versions.
Little and Jones (2003) carried out a study that investigated why people
prefer symmetric faces to asymmetric faces, testing predictions derived
from both the Evolutionary Advantage view and the Perceptual Bias view
of symmetry preferences. Previous studies have found that symmetry had a
bigger effect on the attractiveness of opposite-sex faces than own-sex
faces and have suggested this is because opposite-sex faces are an
example of ‘mate choice relevant stimuli’ (i.e. they are the faces of
potential mates and own-sex faces are not).
Little and Jones noted that it is well established that inverting face
images (i.e. turning them upside down) reduces the ease with which they
can be processed and are perceived as being people. While people find it
easy to process faces that are the right way up, face processing is
disrupted by inversion to a far greater extent than processing of other
types of visual stimuli is. Furthermore, inverted faces are processed
more like other objects when inverted than when they are upright.
Inverting faces, however, will obviously not alter how symmetric the
faces are. So while opposite-sex upright faces are ‘mate choice relevant
stimuli’ (i.e. are easily perceived as potential mates) inverted faces
will be perceived more like objects, even though both inverted and
upright faces will be equally symmetric. While the evolutionary
advantage view suggests that preferences for symmetric faces will be
weaker when the faces are inverted (because they will be perceived as
less mate choice relevant), the perceptual bias view suggests that
inversion will have no effect on symmetry preferences because symmetry
is attractive in any type of stimulus. With this in mind, Little and
Jones tested if inverting the faces used to assess preferences for
symmetric faces weakens the strength of symmetry preferences (which
would support an Evolutionary Advantage account of symmetry preferences)
or if symmetry is equally attractive in upright and inverted faces
(which would support a Perceptual Bias account of symmetry preferences).
Little and Jones found that symmetric faces were judged more attractive
than asymmetric faces when faces were shown the right way up, but not
when the faces presented were inverted. Because this suggests that
symmetry is more attractive in mate choice relevant stimuli than in
other types of stimuli, Little and Jones' findings support an
evolutionary advantage account of why symmetric faces are attractive and
present difficulties for the Perceptual Bias account (which proposes
that symmetry will be preferred in stimuli of any kind).
THE GOLD-DIGGER OR ‘FOODIE CALL’ VAMPIRE DATES
A large percentage of people use dates for free food with no intention
of ever engaging with the other person. Here are some discussions of
this issue:
In the current recession, many people date for expense offset. One
must be clear, up front, if this is their agenda. If your dating partner
has visions of a traditional relationship and later finds out your plan
is to use them for income, the results will never be good.
The best program is to state this up front in a clear manner. Do NOT be
suggestive, the other person will almost always interpret the implied
comment as the more traditional implication and sadness will result.
There is a current standard structure in most major cities: $300/per
hour with a volume commitment discount. $3000/per month. If the person
is unusually hot, has super defined abs and super model facial structure
the "donation can go up to $10,000/month. A once a week, twice a week or
"anytime" get-together frequency rate is arranged between the two
people.
It is a highly competitive market. There are hundreds of thousands of
people doing it in each major city and super hot ones are
coming here from overseas, every week, to do it. 90% of the
arrangements are cancelled after the first month because the other
person realizes that competitive market rates are lower than they first
thought.
Wealthy men in technology cities and industrial cities consider it a
business status factor to brag about their mistress to other
businessmen.
The code words in ads and profiles are:
"Arrangement"
"Discrete"
"Gentleman"
"Generous"
"Studying in college"
"Complete my degree"
"Single mother"
Is being a mistress or gigolo OK? Check with your local laws, therapist
and personal compass and tell the other person, in the very FIRST
conversation, about this being your agenda. Silicon Valley, New York
City and Los Angeles have the largest number of Dating-For-Cash people
on their dating sites.
Millionaire, Gold Digger dating sites
https://www.allonlinedatingsites.com/millionaire-dating-sites
Millionaire & rich dating. Here you will find all millionaire dating
sites. Millionaire dating sites are created only for wealthy people or
beautiful gold digger girls seeking rich men. In this list you will find
a collection of international millionaire dating sites. RichHookUp is a
focused rich men dating site where you can hook up rich men.
Gold diggers dating sites - ITD World
https://itdworld.com/gold-diggers-dating-sites/
Gold diggers dating sites - Men looking for a woman - Women looking for
a man. Find a man in my area! Free to join to find a man and meet a
woman online who is single and hunt for you.
Single Gold Diggers Interested In Gold Diggers Dating
https://www.golddiggersdating.com/browse/singles,33,gold-diggers-dating.html
Gold Diggers Dating is part of the Infinite Connections dating network,
which includes many other general and sugar daddy dating sites. As a
member of Gold Diggers Dating, your profile will automatically be shown
on related sugar daddy dating sites or to related users in the Infinite
Connections network at no additional charge.
How to Spot Gold Digger on Online Dating Website ...
www.love-sites.com/how-to-spot-gold-digger-on-online-dating-website/
Gold diggers - be it gorgeous Russian ladies or American beauties - are
very manipulative and can be so subtle that most men don't suspect
anything before it's too late and she drains their bank account. There
are certain ways you can spot a gold digger on online dating websites.
10 Signs you are Dating a Gold-Digger - idateadvice
https://idateadvice.com/10-signs-you-are-dating-a-gold-digger
10 Signs you are Dating a Gold-Digger. The second date involved a
reservation at the most expensive restaurant in the city and a black
Dior dress with a pair of sky high Jimmy Choos. Fast forward to two
months later, I had spent thousands of dollars on this girl and her
sweet personality had mostly vanished.
Are Chinese Dating Sites Full of Gold Diggers? - Chinese ...
https://www.chinesedatingsitesguide.com/articles/chinese-dating/gold-diggers/
Some men end up spending a lot of money chatting to girls on pay per
contact sites. Other men fall prey to scammers, and end up wiring off
their life savings via Western Union. Top on the list of worries is the
issue of gold diggers. So are Chinese dating sites full of gold diggers,
and how should you avoid them?
Gold Diggers Dating Site
gold-diggers-dg-site.dtwellddp.com
Gold Diggers Dating Site - Chat and meet beautiful girls and handsome
guys on our dating site. We are leading online dating site for singles
who are looking for relationship. These sites offer personalized
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Why women r gold diggers?! | Mingle2
https://mingle2.com/topic/575233?page=2
Everybody's life should be their own... live and love freely... these
insane laws of who gets what is ridiculous... except where common law is
practiced you should enforce a union where you still have the ceremony
but the courts are out of jurisdiction... that piece of paper has ruined
a lot of soulmate connections making them feel unworthy of ever finding
that special someone because they have!
Ukrainian dating experience with a gold digger - Russian ...
https://www.ukrainiandatingstories.com/ukrainian-dating-experience-with-a-gold-digger/
This site contains the personal opinions and other expressions of the
persons who post the dating agency reviews. UkrainianDatingStories.com
does not control or guarantee the information contained in these reviews
or information contained in links to other external web sites, and does
not endorse any views expressed or services offered therein.
DATING LATER IN LIFE
After six months of coffee dates with women he met through an online
dating site, Dave Prochniak was ready to give up.
“I met too many angry goofballs. I thought, the hell with it, I’ll just
be single and work on my garden,” said Prochniak, 55.
But then he spotted a profile that intrigued him. “I found her
mysterious,” he said.
Barbara Allen had been on the site for two years, an experience that had
prompted her to pare down her profile. “I’d been a stay-at-home mom and
I saw how that freaked guys out so I disappeared for a while, then
turned my profile back on to try again,” said Allen, 55.
The two, who live in a suburb outside St. Paul, Minn., texted, then
talked, and then Prochniak invited Allen to meet him at a coffee shop
where he was hanging canvases for a show of his paintings.
The chemistry between the pair, both of whom had been divorced, was
immediate. “I walked her to her mom-minivan and gave her a hug,”
Prochniak recalled.
Within two weeks, he said, they were in love.
Stories like that are not unusual, but for every midlife encounter that
hits, there are a near-infinite number of disappointing, unfulfilling or
just plain weird dates that miss.
There are, however, strategies from those who study online dating that
can help even the odds of finding a match, whether for a night on the
town or a lifelong relationship.
Try before you buy
The online dating industry recognizes that people of all ages want to
pair up, whether they’re longtime singles with experience connecting
over the internet or the divorced or widowed who are returning to
dating.
There’s a proliferation of sites and apps specifically targeting
over-50 daters, both same-sex and straight; that’s in addition to
all-ages sites that boast significant numbers of older members.
“It’s a societal misnomer that people stop wanting to find love and give
up having sex at a certain age,” said Amie Clark, founder of The
Senior List, a consumer site that regularly publishes stories about
online dating for its midlife readers.
A recent post ranked the best apps and sites for older daters.
Clark said most of the top finishers allow prospects to test them out.
“Our advice is: try before you buy. Sign up for a free limited trial and
browse before making a financial commitment,” Clark said. “Our research
found many dating sites are owned by the same companies. They seem to
work about the same, but cater to niches.”
Clark said there’s no secret to success, but advises daters to “take the
time and energy to put out there what you want back.”
‘Treat this like a business’
The U.S. Census Bureau calculates almost half of American adults
are unmarried, and dating sites and apps foster interactions for those
singles.
Online options are preferred by busy older people who don’t have the
time, patience or interest in meeting a companionable prospect in the
hunting grounds of their youth. Dating in the workplace is fraught with
peril as people move along in their careers and the bar scene has lost
its appeal.
“My favorite people to work with are 50 and over,” said Denys Crea, 62,
vice president of the Pairings Group, a relationship and
matchmaking agency. Crea specializes in dating re-entry and coaching
online daters, male and female. “By the time I meet them, they’re
exhausted and frustrated (from online dating). I tell them, if you know
how to cast a wide net, you will have fun and get results.”
Crea, who charges $1,295 for her services, advises clients on their
photos and assists them in crafting a profile that makes the right first
impression. She helps them select a site that suits their personality,
guides them in evaluating dating candidates and then offers post-date
analysis.
“You have to treat this like a business,” Crea insists. “Commit the
time, set goals. Don’t mess around. Think about the qualities you’re
looking for and really read the profiles to see if they have them.”
Crea says the one consistent deal breaker for everyone looking for love
(or some facsimile of it) should be dishonesty from a potential match.
She tells her clients to lead with their own authenticity.
Also see: Dating after 50: Who pays? And should I accept a date by text?
“At this age, life is complicated. Everyone has some baggage. But dating
is simpler. They’re not looking for someone to have kids with; they’re
often not looking for marriage. They’re looking for a romantic partner,”
Crea said. “They’re adults and they can look over someone’s
accomplishments and choices and see what they’ve done with their lives.”
Done being single
Navigating midlife dating, relationships and romance is the subject of
the Done Being Single podcast and internet radio show. Hosts
and spouses Treva and Robby Scharf, who were in their 50s when they
married (the first time for each), bring decades of experience in the
search for love to their listeners. Both have used apps and sites and
see online dating as a crucial but imperfect resource for midlife
singles.
“People would not be dating without [online dating]; it’s not easy to
meet eligible people. But it has its drawbacks,” said Treva. “There’s so
much selection that it can paralyze you or leave you dissatisfied,
feeling like no matter who you choose, there might be someone better out
there that you’re missing.”
The Scharfs advise daters to switch up their game to make successful
cyber connections.
“They have to learn how to flirt in a two-dimensional medium, using the
way they write instead of eye contact,” Robby said. “Coming out of a
long-term marriage, they might feel they’ve lost their touch. It’s
ego-flattering when they see who contacted or swiped them. But they have
to resist getting lazy and spending their time with superficial
back-and-forth messaging instead of getting out there.”
That’s why the couple urges daters who click in an online connection to
waste no time setting up a face-to-face meeting. “Get out there. Meet
quickly and find out if there’s real life chemistry,” Robby added.
“Don’t confuse online interactions with dating.”
While Treva bemoans the fact that online dating can be “cruel, soulless
and depressing,” she also finds it magical.
“It’s one part effort and one part faith. You must put in the effort; go
onto different sites, get nice pictures, work on your profile,” she
said. “Then let it go and let faith take over; believe that the universe
will do its part in bringing you to who you are supposed to meet.”
A meeting, a marriage
Last spring, Barbara Allen and Dave Prochniak bought a marriage license.
They are talking about staging a “pop-up wedding” this summer, gathering
her three daughters, his son and their close friends to witness a
low-key ceremony where they will speak their vows.
“We’re a good fit; we get along and communicate so well,” said Allen.
“We have a lot to look forward to.”
“We feel really lucky,” added Prochniak. “Lucky and thankful.”
Five things to know about online dating
1. Three-quarters of online daters never update their original
profile. But if you switch up the text and add new pictures, site
algorithms will likely reward you by sharing your profile to new and
different eyes.
2. Sunday is the busiest day for online dating. Make time
after brunch to get on your app and browse. This is also an excellent
time to post your freshened profile.
3. Safety first. Arrange a public get-together, tell a friend
the details of whom you’re meeting and don’t overshare on first or
even second dates. When you use your real name, a quick Google search
can reveal your address, property you own, professional information and
more.
4. There’s someone for everyone. In addition to mainstream sites,
there are dating platforms for people of different religious and
professional backgrounds and some oddly specific narrow niches,
including sites for the gluten intolerant, cannabis fans, and
people with STDs.
5. Practice saying this: “I don’t think you’re a match for
me.” Only you know what you’re looking for. When you don’t feel a
connection, be frank and don’t waste your time — or theirs.
HONEY TRAPS WILL BE SENT BY YOUR COMPETITORS, ENEMIES AND POLITICAL
ADVERSARIES
If you are successful in business, politics, media, social change or,
really, anything that affects other big players, expect to have a few
too-good-to-be-true hotties try to date you on match.com, OKCUPID,
PLENTY OF FISH, TINDER or other big sites.
They may be shills sent to destroy you.
If someone does not like you, they can reverse search your photo or
vital statistics and find every dating site you are on. Then they can
target you for a social kill. Here is how it works:
Honey trapping - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honey_trapping
Honey trapping is an investigative practice that uses romantic or sexual
relationships for an interpersonal, political or monetary purpose to the
detriment of one party involved in this romantic or sexual affair.
Investigators are also often employed by wives, husbands, and other
partners usually when an illicit romantic affair is suspected of the
"target", or subject of the investigation.
The History of the Honey Trap - Foreign Policy
https://foreignpolicy.com/2010/03/12/the-history-of-the-honey-trap/
One of the best-known honey traps in spy history involves Mata Hari, a
Dutch woman who had spent some years as an erotic dancer in Java. (Greta
Garbo played her in a famous 1931 film.) During ...
Politicians at mercy of Honey Traps - 30 Minutes - TV9
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-xZR690K70
TV9 Telugu LIVE : Sujana Chowdary in Encounter with Murali Krishna TV9
Telugu Live 3,447 watching Live now Baahubali Black Holes : Questions
without Answers - Spotlight - TV9 - Duration: 13:42.
The Professors, George, and The Honey Trap
www.politicalpaige.net/5-may-2019-the-professors-george-and-the-honey-trap.html
the professors, george, and the honey trap A 9 minute free range take on
this blog article is now available above as a PodCast. For this and more
episodes of the PodCast, check out PoliticalPaige.net Blog at its home
on Spreaker .
How to Spot a Honey Trap - ClearanceJobs
https://news.clearancejobs.com/2016/08/28/how-to-spot-a-honey-trap/
Something about small favors. If honey traps are in it for the long
haul, they start actual relationships with their marks. Long term
relationships built on sex and secrets. They probe gingerly at
first—asking for something small. Some tiny secret that can help her
somehow. For work or whatever.
Honey trap case: Accused woman, an IAS aspirant, has trapped ...
https://www.indiatoday.in/india/story/honey-trap-case-gujarat-bjp-mp-kc-patel-delhi-police-974954-2017-05-03
Honey trap case: Accused woman, an IAS aspirant, has trapped over 20
MPs. The activity of the gang came to light after Valsad MP KC Patel
filed a complaint of extortion with the Delhi Police earlier this week.
While there have been a series of cross allegations between the woman
and the BJP MP, sources from the police claimed that it was an organised
crime.
Honey traps: Do spies use sex to extract secrets? - slate.com
https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2010/12/honey-traps-do-spies-use-sex-to-extract-secrets.html
The classic honey trap is seduction to extract secrets. Perhaps the
best-known trap layer was the Dutch exotic dancer Mata Hari , who was
executed by firing squad in France in 1917 for allegedly ...
Malaysia Flip Flop: Caught in political sex trap
https://malaysiaflipflop.blogspot.com/2015/02/caught-in-political-sex-trap.html
The ONA is also recorded as saying that Dr Anwar's political enemies
engineered the circumstances from which the sodomy charges arose. ''ONA
assessed, and their Singapore counterparts concurred, 'it was a set-up
job and he probably knew that, but walked into it anyway','' the cable
states.
The Brilliant MI6 Spy Who Perfected the Art of the 'Honey Trap'
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-brilliant-m16-spy-who-perfected-the-art-of-the-honey-trap
The Brilliant MI6 Spy Who Perfected the Art of the 'Honey Trap' ...
D.C., where they hobnobbed with the political elite. Betty, sent to the
best boarding schools, well-versed in high-society ...
We now date six people at once and then we just ghost them when
we've lost interest
• Rachel Hosie
• @rachel_hosie
•
Any young person who’s tried to explain the concept of “seeing” someone
to their parents will be able to testify that the dating arena has
changed enormously over the past couple of decades.
It’s no longer as simple as going for dinner and a movie and instantly
becoming boyfriend and girlfriend - we “see” people, often more than one
at a time.
The extent of this trend has been revealed in a new study which claims
it’s now normal to date an incredible six people at once.
Assuming the average person isn’t out on a date every night of the week,
we can also infer that two dates with the same person must be pretty
spread-out too.
The results of the study, carried out by eHarmony Australia, reinforce
the idea that in today’s dating society, people are loath to commit to
one person, seemingly always wanting to keep their options open.
And although there seems to be a new dating tactic arising every week -
have you been benched, breadcrumbed or unghosted of late? - it seems the
trend for ghosting, where you simply stop replying to a potential
suitor’s messages and inexplicably disappear, is still going strong.
The researchers found that over the past year, 64 per cent of singletons
have been ghosted by a date. But there’s a good chance a lot of those
aren’t perfect either, with 51 per cent of those studies admitting to
ghosting someone themselves.
Although considered by some to be rude and inconsiderate, the allure of
ghosting is the opportunity to avoid having to explain why you’ve lost
interest in someone and just hope they’ll work it out themselves.
Couples meeting on dating apps is the norm now, but could it be that
knowing there are always more potential love interests just a swipe away
is leaving us spoilt for choice and confused?
“The research here and around the world shows there is a lot of
dissatisfaction in the outcomes of many dating apps,” Nicole McInnes,
Director of eHarmony Australia, told Cosmopolitan.
But with new apps launching all the time, it doesn’t look like a dating
app backlash is going to happen any time soon. So, best start lining up
your next six dates then.
In the San Francisco and New York online dating scene woman have become
“free dinner whores” and men move up in the dating hierarchy depending
on the size of their house and how much money they spend on dates.
Daddies, “Dates,” and the Girlfriend Experience: Welcome to the New
Prostitution Economy. How Silicon Valley Guys Actually Get The Women
They Are With
A growing number of young people are selling their bodies online to pay
student loans, make the rent, or afford designer labels. Is it just an
unorthodox way to make ends meet or a new kind of exploitation? Nancy Jo
Sales investigates.
By
Nancy Jo Sales
DADDY DEAREST
A model illustrates the fantasy of “the girlfriend
experience.”Photograph by Mark Schäfer.
•
The waiter with the handlebar mustache encourages us to “participate in
the small-plate culture.” Geraldine’s, the swank spot in Austin’s Hotel
Van Zandt, is brimming with tech guys, some loudly talking about money.
The college student at our table recommends the ribs—she’s been here
before, on “dates” with her “daddies.” “There are a lot of tech guys,”
she says. “They want the girlfriend experience, without having to deal
with an actual girlfriend.”
“The girlfriend experience” is the term women in the sex trade use for a
service involving more than just sex. “They want the perfect
girlfriend—in their eyes,” says Miranda, the young woman at our table.*
“She’s well groomed, cultured, classy, able to converse about
anything—but not bringing into it any of her real-world problems or
feelings.”
Miranda is 22 and has the wavy bobbed hair and clipped mid-Atlantic
accent of a 1930s movie star; she grew up in a Texas suburb. “I’ve
learned how to look like this, talk like this,” she says. “I work hard
at being this,” meaning someone who can charge $700 an hour for sex.
Her adventures in “sugaring” started three years ago when she got hit on
by an older guy and rebuffed him, saying, “Look, I’m not interested, so
unless you’re offering to pay my student loans,” and he said, “Well . .
. ?” After that, “he paid for stuff. He gave me money to help out with
my living expenses.”
It ended when she went on a school year abroad and started meeting men
on Seeking Arrangement, the Web site and app which match “sugar daddies”
with “sugar babies,” whose company the daddies pay for with
“allowances.” Now, she says, she has a rotation of three regular
“clients”—”a top Austin lawyer, a top architect, and another tech guy,”
all of them married. She adds, “Their relationships are not my
business.”
She confesses she isn’t physically attracted to any of these men, but
“what I’m looking for in this transaction is not sexual satisfaction. Do
you like everyone at your job? But you still work with them, right?
That’s how it is with sex work—it’s a job. I get paid for it. I do it
for the money.”
And not only the money. “I’m networking,” Miranda maintains, “learning
things from older men who give me insights into the business world. I’ve
learned how to do an elevator pitch. I’ve learned so many soft skills
that will help me in my career.
“ALMOST ALL OF MY FRIENDS DO SOME SORT OF SEX WORK . . . . IT’S ALMOST
TRENDY TO SAY YOU DO IT—OR THAT YOU WOULD.”
“While in college,” she goes on, “I’ve had the ability to focus on
developing myself because I’m not slaving away at a minimum-wage job. I
reject it when people say I’m oppressed by the patriarchy. People who
make seven dollars an hour are oppressed by the patriarchy.”
“She’s in control of the male gaze,” says another woman at the table,
Erin, 22.
“I thought about doing it,” says Kristen, 21, tentatively. “I signed up
for Seeking Arrangement when I couldn’t pay my rent. But I was held back
because of the stigma if anyone finds out.”
“What right does anyone have to judge you for anything you do with your
body?,” Miranda asks.
“Just Another Job”
The most surprising thing about Miranda’s story is how unsurprising it
is to many of her peers. “Almost all of my friends do some sort of sex
work,” says Katie, 23, a visual artist in New York. “It’s super-common.
It’s almost trendy to say you do it—or that you would.”
“It’s become like a thing people say when they can’t make their rent,”
says Jenna, 22, a New York video-game designer. “ ‘Well, I could always
just get a sugar daddy,’ ‘I guess I could just start camming,’ ” or
doing sexual performances in front of a Webcam for money on sites like
Chaturbate. “And it’s kind of a joke, but it’s also not because you
actually could. It’s not like you need a pimp anymore. You just need a
computer.”
“Basically every gay dude I know is on Seeking Arrangement,” says
Christopher, 23, a Los Angeles film editor. “And there are so many rent
boys,” or young gay men who find sex-work opportunities on sites like
RentBoy, which was busted and shut down in 2015 by Homeland Security for
facilitating prostitution. “Now people just go on RentMen,” says
Christopher.
As the debate over whether the United States should decriminalize sex
work intensifies, prostitution has quietly gone mainstream among many
young people, seen as a viable option in an impossible economy and
legitimized by a wave of feminism that interprets sexualization as
empowering. “People don’t call it ‘prostitution’ anymore,” says Caitlin,
20, a college student in Montreal. “That sounds like slut-shaming. Some
girls get very rigid about it, like ‘This is a woman’s choice.’ ”
“Is Prostitution Just Another Job?” asked New York magazine in March; it
seemed to be a rhetorical question, with accounts of young women who
found their self-esteem “soaring” through sex work and whose “stresses
seem not too different from any young person freelancing or starting a
small business.” “Should Prostitution Be a Crime?” asked the cover of
The New York Times Magazine in May—again apparently a rhetorical
question, with an argument made for decriminalization that seemed to
equate it with having “respect” for sex workers. (In broad terms, the
drive for decriminalization says it will make the lives of sex workers
safer, while the so-called abolitionist movement to end prostitution
contends the opposite.)
The Times Magazine piece elicited an outcry from some feminists, who
charged that it minimized the voices of women who have been trafficked,
exploited, or abused. Liesl Gerntholtz, an executive director at Human
Rights Watch, characterized the prostitution debate as “the most
contentious and divisive issue in today’s women’s movement.” “There’s a
lot of fear among feminists of being seen on the wrong side of this
topic,” says Natasha Walter, the British feminist author. “I don’t
understand how women standing up for legalizing sex work can’t see the
ripple effect of taking this position will have on our idea of a woman’s
place in the world.”
A ripple effect may already be in motion, but it looks more like a wave.
A string of feminist-sex-worker narratives have been weaving through pop
culture over the last few years, as typified by Secret Diary of a Call
Girl (2007–11), the British ITV2 series based on the memoir by the
pseudonymous Belle de Jour. Belle, played by the bubbly Billie Piper, is
a savvy college grad who hates working at boring, low-paying office
jobs, so she becomes a self-described “whore,” a lifestyle choice which
always finds her in fashionable clothes. “I love my job,” Belle
declares. “I’ve read every feminist book since Simone de Beauvoir and I
still do what I do.” And then there is The Girlfriend Experience(2016–),
the dramatic series on Starz, a darker take on a similarly glossy world
of high-priced hotels and high-end shopping trips financed by wealthy
johns. “I like it, O.K.?” snaps the main character, Christine, played by
Riley Keough, when her disapproving sister asks why she’s working as an
escort. Christine likes sex work so much she leaves law school to do it
full-time. Both shows feature graphic sex scenes that sometimes look
like porn.
“We talked a lot about agency” when conceiving The Girlfriend
Experience, says producer Steven Soderbergh (who directed a movie of the
same name in 2009), “and the idea that you have this young woman who is
going into the workforce and ends up in the sex-work industry, where she
feels she has more control and is respected more than she is at her day
job,” at a law firm.
PRETTY WOMAN
“My friend who does it says, ‘I do it for the Chanel,’ ” a young woman
told the author.
Photograph by Mark Schäfer.
Since Seeking Arrangement launched in 2006, practically a genre of
sugar-baby confessionals has emerged. I WAS A REAL-LIFE “SUGAR BABY” FOR
WEALTHY MEN, said a typical headline, in Marie Claire. The anonymous
writer made clear, “I’d always had personal agency.”
Meanwhile, sugaring has its own extensive community online—also known as
“the sugar bowl”—replete with Web sites and blogs. On Tumblr, babies
exchange tips on the best sugaring sites and how much to charge. They
post triumphant pictures of wads of cash, designer shoes, and bags. They
ask for prayers: “Pray for me, this will be great to have two sugar
daddies this summer since I quit my vanilla job! I’m trying to live free
lol!”
On Facebook, there are private pages where babies find support for their
endeavors as well. On one, members proudly call themselves “hos”
(sometimes “heaux”) and post coquettish selfies, dressed up for “dates.”
They offer information on how to avoid law enforcement and what they
carry to protect themselves (knives, box cutters, pepper spray). They
give advice on how to alleviate the pain of bruises from overzealous
spanking and what to do when “scammers” refuse to pay. They ask
questions: “How do you go about getting started in sex work? I’m
honestly so broke.”
In interviews, young women and men involved in sex work—not
professionals forced into the life, but amateurs, kids—in Austin, New
York, and Los Angeles, talked mostly about needing money. They were
squeezed by college tuition, crushed by student loans and the high cost
of living. Many of their parents were middle- or upper-middle-class
people who had nothing to spare for their children, derailed by the
economic downturn themselves. And so they did “cake sitting”—a specialty
service for a fetish that craves just what it says—or stripping or
Webcamming or sugaring. Some beat people up in professional “dungeons”;
others did “scat play,” involving sex with feces. They did what they
felt they had to do to pay their bills. But was it feminism? And no,
that isn’t a rhetorical question.
Landing a Whale
‘It just seemed so normal, like no big deal,” says Alisa, 21, one night
at Nobu in Los Angeles, a place she’s been with her daddies. She’s
talking about how she started sugaring when she was 18. “People kept
telling me and my friends, ‘There are rich daddies who will take care of
you.’ ”
She had profiles on Seeking Millionaire and Date Billionaire when she
landed a whale on Seeking Arrangement. He was a high-profile venture
capitalist in San Francisco and founder of a major tech company—“the
real deal.” (Friends confirm their connection.)
“THERE ARE A LOT OF TECH GUYS. THEY WANT THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE,
WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH AN ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND.”
Soon after they met he flew her to New York and installed her in a chic
hotel. Alisa says he was busy most of the time, but she and her friends
ran up $60,000 in room service and spa services while he worked. To make
up for his absence, he took her shopping at Alexander McQueen, “my
obsession.”
“Being in the L.A. atmosphere, and at the age of 16 or 17 going out in
nightlife—it’s all very based on appearance,” Alisa says. “Out here, as
long as you’re wearing Saint Laurent and the newest items, that’s all
people care about, so my friends and I were obsessed with fashion. I
think with our generation, Instagram also has a lot to do with it—people
are constantly posting what they have.” She’s explaining that she became
a sugar baby in order to buy luxury goods.
“My friend who does it says, ‘I do it for the Chanel,’ ” Alisa says
wryly. “We both come from upper-middle-class families, but we never felt
right asking our parents to buy us designer handbags or something, to
put that burden on them financially. I was already working full-time,”
at a clothing store, “and all my money was going towards helping my
parents to pay for school.” So there was nothing left for shopping.
Her assignations with the billionaire went on for two years. “It was
purely for financial purposes,” she says. “He was not my type
whatsoever.” She’s reluctant at first to say whether they had sex, but
finally admits their relationship was physical. “If anyone tells you
they’re not sleeping with these guys, they’re lying, even if it’s just a
blow job, because no one pays for all that without expecting something
in return.”
It ended when he started dating a famous beauty; Alisa read about it on
a celebrity blog. She had other daddies, during and after him, but then
last year she stopped sugaring. “I haven’t done it in a really long
time,” she says, “solely because of how it made me feel. Like it just
makes you feel worthless ‘cause they don’t pay attention to your brain,
they don’t care what you have to say. They just care that you’re
attractive and you’re listening to them. I don’t want to ever have to
look back and think, like, I made it to this point just because I used
my body to get there.” A friend who got “envious” of her postings on
Instagram also told Alisa’s parents what she was doing. She says, “She
called me a prostitute.”
“It’s Transactional”
‘She’s a pro,” murmurs the young guy at the bar at Vandal, the hot new
restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side. “And so is she.” He’s cocking
his head toward some women in the room who are drinking alone. “How do
you know?,” I ask. “You know,” says the guy. “They let you know.”
“The thing is, nowadays,” says his friend (they both work in real
estate), “there’s the hidden hos. Like they’re hos, but they pretend to
be just some regular girl hitting you up on Tinder.”
“I hate that,” the first guy says. “The hidden hoochies.”
“The ho-ishness,” the second guy says, “is everywhere. I used to take
girls out to dinner, but then I’d see they’d eat and bounce—they just
want a free meal—so now it’s no more dinner, just drinks.”
“IF ANYONE TELLS YOU THEY’RE NOT SLEEPING WITH THESE GUYS, THEY’RE LYING
. . . NO ONE PAYS FOR ALL THAT WITHOUT . . . SOMETHING IN RETURN.”
Their complaints are of a type commonly heard online, on social media
and rampant threads: “All women are prostitutes”; women just want to use
men to get money and things. The Internet holds a mirror to the misogyny
doing a bro dance in the background of this issue.
I ask the guys why they think some men pay for sex, especially when
dating apps have made casual hookups more common.
“It’s transactional,” the second guy says. “There’s no one blowing up
your phone, demanding shit from you. You have control over what
happens.”
I tell them how Seeking Arrangement promotes itself as feminist.
(“Seeking Arrangement is modern feminism,” says founder Brandon Wade,
46, an M.I.T.-educated former software engineer, on the phone. His
InfoStream Group includes a number of other dating services, such as
Miss Travel, where a woman can find a traveling “companion” to “sponsor”
her vacation.)
“Oh, come on,” the first guy says. “They call them ‘daddies.’ They call
women ‘babies.’ ”
“You can’t tell who the hookers are anymore,” says another guy at the
bar, a well-known D.J. in his 30s. “They’re not strippers, they’re not
on the corner, there’s no more madam. They look like all the other club
girls.”
He tells a story of a young woman he let stay in his hotel room one
weekend while he was working in Las Vegas. “She met up with this other
girl and all of a sudden they had all these men’s watches and wallets
and cash. They were working.” He laughs, still amazed at the memory.
“It’s like hooking has just become like this weird, distorted extension
of dating,” the D.J. says. “ ‘He took me to dinner. He throws me money
for rent’—it’s just become so casual. I think it’s dating apps—when sex
is so disposable, if it doesn’t mean anything, then why not get paid for
it? But don’t call it prostitution—no, now it’s liberation.”
$50 for the Powder Room
Jenna says that a friend of hers was sexually assaulted by a man she met
on a sugaring site. “She didn’t want to report it,” she says, “because
she didn’t want her parents to know what she was doing.” Women in sex
work reportedly experience a high incidence of rape, as well as a
“workplace homicide rate” 51 times higher than that of the next most
dangerous job, working in a liquor store, according to the American
Journal of Epidemiology.
“If prostitution is really just physical labor,” says the Canadian
feminist writer and prostitution abolitionist, Meghan Murphy, on the
phone, “if it’s no different than serving coffee or fixing a car, then
why would we see rape as such a traumatic thing? If there’s nothing
different about sex, then what’s so bad about rape?”
Jenna, the video-game designer, did Seeking Arrangement for two years,
between the ages of 19 and 21. As with other young women I spoke to, the
catalyst for her was when she couldn’t pay her rent: “I had like
negative $55 in the bank. My mom was guilt-tripping me about asking her
for money.”
The night Jenna Googled “sugar daddies,” she says, she’d also just come
home from a “very bad date” with “a guy who smelled.” “I was like, I
can’t take this anymore, these guys are horrible. I just want someone
who’s gonna have some manners, or at least some better hygiene.” It was
a refrain I’d heard from others, including Miranda in Austin, who
complained, “The dude bros are infantile, they’re rude.” “Wish you could
send an invoice” to a “fuck boy that used you,” said a young woman on a
sugaring page on Facebook.
“So I was like, If I’m gonna spend my time with some guy and have it be
horrible,” Jenna says one night at a dark East Village bar, “then if I
get some money at the end of the night, at least I get something.”
The guys she met on Seeking Arrangement weren’t horrible, she says, but
some of them were “weird.” “Because I know a lot about video games I
tend to attract, like, the nerdier [Brooklyn] tech guys. Like the ones
who are looking for someone who can talk to them, like, ‘Oh, you’re into
Harmony Korine? You like Trash Humpers?’
“They’re actually profoundly lonely guys,” she says, “and think this is
the only way that they can meet women.”
There was the guy who just wanted to brush her hair, for hours, as she
sat watching television in a hotel room. He brought his own brush. And
there was the guy who was “fat—not like morbidly obese, but big.” He
liked to take her out for long dinners.
She usually charged around $400 for an encounter. “The guys don’t like
talking about money, so they’ll just like leave money in your purse.”
What Holly Golightly called “$50 for the powder room” was discreetly
offered, she says, “because then it can feel more like real dating to
them.”
A model poses as a “sugar baby.”
Photograph by Mark Schäfer.
But it wasn’t real dating, and after a while it began to bother her, as
she realized the men, although “generally nice,” didn’t actually respect
her. “I think the sugar daddies just see the sugar babies as whores,”
she says. “They would never consider a monogamous relationship with
someone who would need to do this to survive. It’s like a class thing.
They see you as beneath them, desperate.
“Sometimes I think, Did I really have to resort to this?” she asks. “Or
was I being validated in some way?” She was a “late bloomer,” she says,
and wonders if part of her felt reassured of her attractiveness by
having someone pay to have sex with her. “But that’s crazy.”
She stopped sugaring when she got into a serious relationship; now she
lives with her boyfriend in an apartment with four others. “One day, one
of our roommates was watching porn, and he says to me—he had no idea
what I’d been doing—‘Do you think there are sex workers who are really
into it?’ I think it’s, like, a male fantasy.”
Wish Lists
Interestingly, the young men I talked to who do sex work voiced few
qualms about whether what they were doing was empowering or
disempowering. One straight guy I spoke to who’s on Seeking Arrangement
(the company claims to have more than 400,000 “mommies”) did say that he
was sometimes uncomfortable with “not being in control of the
situation.”
One night at Macri Park, a gay bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Derek is
having a drink with friends. He’s 20 and an art student from New Jersey.
“I do RentMen, I do dominating,” he says. “People want to be hit, beat
up—mostly older guys. One’s a Broadway actor. I work for dungeons and I
have private clients. I don’t have to have sex with them—just whip them
with devices, or beat them with my hands. Or I do muscle worship”—where
guys ogle and touch his body.
“If I do it two or three times a week,” he says, “I can make my rent, I
can eat, I can make my art.”
Once upon a time, young artists and musicians came to New York looking
to find a creative community where they could thrive, but now, as David
Byrne noted in a piece in The Guardian in 2013, the city has become
virtually unaffordable to all but the 1 percent, inhospitable to
struggling artists. “One can put up with poverty for a while when one is
young, but it will inevitably wear a person down,” wrote Byrne.
“Especially with the intern culture—like New York runs on interns—it’s
impossible to get a decent job,” says Katie, the visual artist, at Macri
Park. “I was sending out 20 e-mails a day for the first five months I
lived here,” looking for jobs, “and I was like, This isn’t working.” Now
she does Webcamming. She says she “feels O.K. about it,” and uses it to
“fuel my art.” She dresses up as a Disney princess for men to explore
“the effects of princess culture on my sexuality.” If a client turns out
to be a “creep,” someone whose attitude she can’t abide, she’ll just
“nuke them,” or turn the Webcam off.
“IF I DO IT TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK, I CAN MAKE MY RENT, I CAN EAT, I
CAN MAKE MY ART.”
She and her friend Christopher start talking about the Amazon “Wish
Lists” that sex workers set up for their clients. In lieu of money
(which is sent through PayPal or Venmo), clients can pay with gifts. “I
know guys who’ve gotten iPhones, laptops, a flat-screen TV,” says
Christopher.
“A lot of people have the really practical ones—like ‘I want silverware,
a blender,’ ” says Katie.
“I’ve seen people put furniture, even like shaving cream and razors,”
Christopher says. He pulls up one of his friends’ Wish Lists on his
phone. The young man wants a stuffed Pokémon doll.
Travis, 27, a porn actor from Virginia, has been a professional escort
for years. He says he bemoans the way social media has made it so easy
for anyone to do. “There’s a lot of people with day jobs now who are
making good money and doing escorting on the side—you’d be surprised.”
Why do they do it?, I ask. “ ‘Cause they’re greedy,” Travis says. “The
market is flooded. I’m so over it.”
Benefactors
At the Seeking Arrangement Party 2016, a masquerade ball, babies and
daddies crowd into Bardot, a lounge in the Avalon Hollywood nightclub,
in Los Angeles. Exotic dancers writhe around on risers.
General-admission tickets are $100, the drinks aren’t free, and many
babies aren’t drinking. Some seem antsy. Many have spent the day at the
Seeking Arrangement Sugar Baby Summit, hearing how they should expect to
be “spoiled” and have men pay for things. So they’ve gotten dressed up,
put on Eyes Wide Shut-like masks, and come here to meet their potential
“benefactors.”
“I’m just looking for someone to pay for my boob job,” says a small
blonde woman who flew into town from Utah; she’s a Mormon. “I thought I
must be doing something wrong because all the guys I’ve met on the site
so far have been sending me dick pics and hairy-butt pics.”
The place is filled with guys who resemble John McCain. “My daughter’s
36,” I hear one saying to two rapt young women. He pulls out pictures
from his wallet to show them—actual photo printouts.
There’s another type of guy here, the jumbo-size Danny DeVitos. “I
thought they said these girls were gonna be 10s,” I hear one of them
telling some other guys. “But this is like a buncha 5s and 6s. Maybe
they’ll take an I.O.U.” The other men chuckle.
“Why do men pay for sex?,” I ask a young man, the handsomest in the
room. “Sometimes in Vegas if you’re drunk,” he says with a shrug. I ask
him why he’s here. “I work all the time, and I don’t have time for a
girlfriend.” He says he works in tech. “But I like to flirt and have
company, not just sex,” he goes on. So he does Seeking Arrangement. I
ask him how much he pays the women. “Depends how much I like them.”
There are a lot of young black women here. “I’m kind of surprised,” says
a young black woman named Nicole, 25, “but not really. They’re probably
here for the same reason I am, which is there’s a lot of racism on the
site, like guys will just openly say, ‘No black women,’ so maybe they
thought they’d have a better chance in person.”
Nicole is lovely and has a job as an executive assistant. I ask her why
she’s seeking an arrangement. “I want to start a handbag line,” she
says. “I have all these great designs and ideas. And I just don’t see
how I could ever get together the capital. So an investor would really
help.”
She seems to truly believe the Seeking Arrangement marketing, that she
might find that supportive, encouraging person here. We look around the
room. There’s a John McCain with his hand on the behind of a young black
girl. Her smooth skin looks so young and fresh in the lamplight, next to
his wizened face.
All of this material is open source public domain news from publicly
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